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female
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anonymous
writes: Please help,I am in love with a loving guy for over a year now.The problems we have are:A I earn a LOT more money than he does and we're running into financial difficulties all the time due to being unorganised.B Sex, I have a high drive...I guess he does too as he wanks a lot. But when we do have sex it always has to involve some kink and abuse- I just want to feel desired.c I talk about these problems and alls ok as we make up, but the next day we dont have sex and he cracks jokes re crazy kinky acts.I love him so much in every other way but I cant go on like this, I was a borderline alcoholic when we met but got to be 'good' now I just want to be single and getting drunk all the time. I cant face a life of kinky sex or nothing! I desperately love him and find myself sinking back into the alcohol as an escape - I'm so unhappy, please help me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers. I have to say that the kinky stuff doesnt ever involve other people, nor do we go to clubs. I have asked for a 50/50 solution as I dont mind the kinky stuff now and again.
We went out for lunch yesterday and had a good talk about things.
As for money,we do have a windfall coming so I guess we can get everything back on track and then get more organised.
I was just desperately down in the dumps the other day when I posted this, I do love him very much and I guess part of my depression was caused by not being able to make love the way I wanted to.
Thanks Again.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers. I have to say that the kinky stuff doesnt ever involve other people, nor do we go to clubs. I have asked for a 50/50 solution as I dont mind the kinky stuff now and again.
We went out for lunch yesterday and had a good talk about things.
As for money,we do have a windfall coming so I guess we can get everything back on track and then get more organised.
I was just desperately down in the dumps the other day when I posted this, I do love him very much and I guess part of my depression was caused by not being able to make love the way I wanted to.
Thanks Again.
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A
female
reader, penta  +, writes (17 May 2007):
 A. Since financial difficulty is one of the #1 problems in on-the-rocks relationships, this is not a minor thing. If finances are your strength, maybe bill-paying can be solely your chore, while taking out the garbage can be his. This is more important than people think, and it can really sneak up on you. How can you afford the long-term goals if you keep spending $$ without thinking on the short-term fun? If this doesn't work, you may have to separate your finances from his.
B. How much kink can you stand? Decide what parts turn you on, what parts you can put up with once in a while, and what parts you won't ever feel good about. Discuss this with him and come to a compromise. Maybe for every kink-sex you do for him, he has to do one romantic-sex for you. Fair is fair. Turn it around and make sure he does what you like, too, or it's too one-sided. Remember, in the end its your body, your rules.
C. If he's not taking you seriously when you talk to him about your wants/needs, then he's not the guy for you. When he cracks jokes about things you already came to an understanding about, remind him of the compromise. If he can't respect it, then run like your ass is on fire. You deserve better.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (17 May 2007):
 One more thing...
if you have not already read the gist of my other advice here...my adivce would have been EXACTLY the same if the gender roles were reversed and it as SHE that was into kink.
It is you projecting your own issues into this.
-FBK
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (17 May 2007):
For the record, my answer here was not tonue in cheek, and I am very serious. People have sexual orientations (strait, gay, bi, kink, etc..) and their sexuality can not be denied out of "promises". I am involved in consulting people in alternative lifestyles, and each couple finds their own way of working things out.
I think your vomit comment is hypocritical, as you state later in your email that it is OK if they agree to it as a couple.
-FBK
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2007): Not sure if that answer was tongue-in-cheek, but the whole idea of going to a kinky sex club or letting him have sex with other people is vomit-making. How utterly selfish this race of humans is becoming. There is this attitude going around that boys will be boys, it is OK to go to sex clubs, pay prostitutes, tart around, check out other women.... Well OK if you both wholeheartedly want to do these things together and feel the same about them. What people choose to do and agree to is their own business. What I absolutely hate is this idea that men just can not help themselves. Well they can. I have experimented checking out guys and admiring sexy pictures and my partner HATED it. So treat other people as you expect to be treated and do NOT compromise yourself into being unhappy by agreeing to other people's demands. Do what makes you happy. If you want to sort this out see a properly trained psychologically qualified sex therapist. There are some good ones and there is nothing kinky just straight talk. I think your man may have become addicted to porn.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (16 May 2007):
I have three suggestions for you:
1-Break up with him, stay sober, and find someone new.
2-Stay with him, stay sober, and work it out that he can give you the sex you need, but give him the freedom of seeking his kinky sex with other people. Maybe even go to a fetish club with him.
3-If he is willing to give you the kind of sex you need half the time, are you willing to give him the kind of sex he needs the other half? If so, go for that.
That is it. Sex is only 10% of the relationship, but when it is the problem it is 90% of the problems.
I do not see any other way around it.
Forget the money issue. If money is that important to you, learn to seduce a rich man and be done with it.
-FBK
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIm 35 by the way. Out of a crappy marriage less than 2 years ago.
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