A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I was sexually abused as a child and as a result I have problems in bed. I have had therapy on and off for years. I think I am doing better, but my partner tells me I am not, he has told me I am boring in bed and if it wasn't for porn he would not get any pleasure from sex with me. I don't have a problem with porn, I just did not want porn on every time we made love, but when I asked for him not to put porn on he would smash it up and fall out with me. He would say sorry that he did not mean to say those things to me and promise not to say things again, but he would and I gave him the choice porn or me, three times he has went back to porn.I have left him three times but he begs me to come back, since the last time things are hard as I keep thinking that he does not love me any more and that he will get porn again. I don't know what to do any more, how can I learn to trust again?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): Responding to the update, which I presume is from the original poster, although the site doesn't say so.
It sounds like there is more going on, you don't have a problem with porn, good for you, wish more women had that attitude, but frankly the guy is a bit too much. There is one thing in keep a subscription to playboy, another to watch a porn together, maybe watch some stuff alone, but... well he is over the limit and this is coming from a male pig who likes porn, the weirder the better.
Exactly what kind of porn does he watch? There is a HUGE variaty, anything from Glamour (if you can call fully clothed women posing porn) to Max Hardcore, who can make pro's cry from the verbal abuse he gives them. (If you want a real exposure to porn, go to youtube.com and search for "reaction to two girls and a cup", this ain't porn, it is the reaction of people to a porn vid. I wouldn't recommend ever seeing the real thing.)
What I am trying to get across here is that NOT all porn is the same and it might be that you can tell a lot about a person, and how they see partners, by what type of porn they watch. I for one would stay the hell away from any woman into gay porn if she owns a strapon. OUCH!
In your update you hint that when he watches porn, he treats you more roughly, this makes me think he is more into stuff like "destroy that ass" then cuddle porn.
You are NOT a porn actress, unless he pays you and you can go home after the shoot to be with a person who does love you, forget it, fantasy is onething, relationship is another and you deserve better.
He needs to learn that there is a difference between how he treats you and what happens in a movie.
But I am just guessing here. You know what it is he watches, look at how the actors act in it, and judge for yourselve wether he is behaving like that. Not all porn is crude and anti-female.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): thanks for all responses to my question. I would like to add that I have tried watching porn,like i said I dont have a problem with that as such, what i do have a problem with is being told that I am useless, although it has got to the stage now where I do just lie there as I have got it into my head that it will hurt less if he tells me I am useless than if I try any thing sexy and he says it,if you know what I mean, I have bags of exotic undies, vibrators ect,but I feel too stupid to use them now.
I want to believe him when he says sorry that he doesnt mean the things that he said, but how do I know what is the truth when one minute he says I'm sexy the next I'm not? one minute he says that he understands why I am upset about porn (as it is when he has porn in the house that he is really nasty to me)when he doesnt have porn things are so much better sexually and for a while he will agree that I am more responsive, but this does not last for long a few months at most.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 March 2008):
 There are some men or couples who like making love with the porn on.
It gives them a 'kick.'
You could either tolerate it or you refuse to have sex with him.
Since you have chosen the latter, your relationship have suffered.
If you think it is not right then your needs are incompatible and this can be a very sore point in your relationship.
It is best if you can work it out .Otherwise it will be a wedge in your relationship.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (9 March 2008):
 The other aunts have all made excellent points. I have just one thing I want to stress; this man is not good for you! He's damaging your self-esteem and your healing process. Don't let him back into your bed or your life. Get some professional therapy to help you move forward, not backward, in life and in your relationships. If you keep on with him, things will only go on as they have been, and it seems to me that would be very damaging to you in the long run.
All the best, and I hope you find the strength within you to end it with him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2008): Being boring in bed, well that ain't nice. But you ask for advice, not a pat on the shoulder.
So do you do anything besides lie on your back with your legs spread? That would be pretty boring yes, and at your age, more is going to be expected. Sorry to be nasty, but a young girl can rely on just her body and that will be enough, but as you get older more is required.
In a normal sexual relationship both should take action and communicate what they want, if you must, download some REAL amateur porn and see what other couples do. If you are not vocal by nature you might have to fake it a bit to give him enough feedback. Men are pigs, we like it if you talk dirty and basically cheer us on when we are doing it right.
Take the initiative yourself sometimes, be a bit aggresive, I have no idea how this relates to the earlier abuse, but a girl who goes down on her man can hardly be called boring. What does he expect anyway, for you to do a handstand? Clowns to parade around the bed? If he wants you to do something special, let him ask. You can't read his mind after all can you?
You say you have no problem with porn, so okay, watch what he watches and see what turns him on and see if you can (and are prepared) to emulate. What age are the actresses in his porn? You are past 40, does he expect you to compete on looks with an 18yr old? Good luck, then again, does he think he looks as good as some of the guys in porn, and can keep it up as long? Does he think foreplay porn style should be enough to get you to loose your marbles?
But frankly the guy sounds like a dickhead. If he knows so much, why ain't he teaching you? Perhaps he ain't any good himself. It takes two to tango.
Also, not get any pleasure from your body unless it was for porn? Get him to stick his dick in the VCR, see how that feels. You can't fuck porn.
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A
female
reader, Dawnie +, writes (9 March 2008):
 I agree with the other comments here from the other aunts.
He is completely selfish and i doubt he will change. You deserve so much better than him, and there are men out there that would treat you with love and respect. Porn does cause problems in relationships, that is a fact. I don't understand why men need porn myself, if it is something that both partners wish to view together that is fine. Your situation is awful and i feel you need to get rid of this guy for you to move forward and find happiness.
I am sorry to hear about your abuse and i think you are brave to have sought therapy in overcoming this. Don't let this man ruin all you have achieved. I wish you all the luck in the world in finding true happiness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2008): You're with the wrong bloke here darlin'. He's nothing but an insensitive twat who can't get it up without porn - and he says YOU'RE the one one with the problem!
You can do better for yourself - with a bloke who can at least attempt to understand what effect child abuse can have on a person.
The others have said it all, really. Nothing more I can add.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (9 March 2008):
 If you have been abused when you were younger and you are getting help for this now then the partner you need is someone who is willing to work with you and be caring and understanding for you. Your partner is not doing any of the things you need in your relationship. Many men out there would be more caring and work with you so don't think your partner is a typical male.
Regarding your partner, what he is doing to you is bordering on continued abuse and I don't think he has your best interests in mind. He is most likely thwarting your healing process not improving it by reinforcing that you have an issue to the extent that HE needs to watch porn to be happy with YOU. IE: He is blaming you for his problem.
It is not normal for someone to want to watch porn while being intimate with their partner. In fact, it's selfish. I don't like to tell people to leave their situations, it's something you'll have to decide for yourself but I will tell you that you are in an unhealthy relationship.
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A
female
reader, LizzieLowe +, writes (9 March 2008):
You were abused as a child. You deserve to have a good life and be happy. My opinion is that your partner himself has issues and needs to deal with them. I think that because of what you have been through as a child and because you will still have issues with what happened to you, you will be drawn to certain people who also have issues. Hopefully this will change in time. Please just know that when the right person for you comes along he will not think that you are boring in bed. He will love you for you and you won't have the feelings you are having now. You are questioning him blaming you for not having an exciting sex life because that's what he wants. He is trying to blame you and to make you feel insecure when in actual fact it is likely that it is he who has issues that he needs to deal with and so he himself is insecure and needs the porn to get excited. He may deny that he has issues...most people unfortunately are in denial but he is using a certain amount of control over you and you mustn't let him. If you don't change the things you do in your life how will the results ever change?? You deserve better and what happened to you as a child is awful but I'm sure it's made you a stronger person and overall you can use what you've ben through to help and understand other people. I am sure that you are special in many ways. It's not fair that your partner makes you feel bad. You've been through rough times but you've come through so maybe it's time to go and look for happiness elsewhere and leave him to go away and sort out his issues when he realises he has some!! Good Luck.
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