A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hello. I've been married to my husband for almost two years. About three days before my husband and I married, I found out that he had been watching porn online and paying for emails from women to get him off. The reason I found out is because I saw an email he had left up on the screen when I went to check my email concerning wedding plans. Anyway, I confronted him and he said that he was sorry and also confessed to doing it throughout our relationship. I was devastated. I wanted to call off the wedding, but my mom had already spent over $20,000 on everything so I felt like I couldn't call it off. Plus people had already shown up from around the country to attend our wedding. How could I just say "oh, sorry guys - wedding's been called off. you can go home now. and mom, sorry about you spending so much money. better luck next time!" I couldn't do that!!Since we've been married, my husband has been everything I could ask for and stopped with the porn and emails. The only thing is that because of what happened and because I found out three days before we were married, I didn't have time to really work through the problem. Since then I've tried so hard to love him, but I just can't. I feel resentful and I don't even want to have sex with him anymore. I also feel like if he were to die, then I wouldn't be as sad as I would have been earlier in our relationship. This makes me so sad and depressed! I want to feel like I used to feel about him.What is wrong with me? He's perfect now and hasn't done anything else since I found out, but I can't stop feeling betrayed by him. I also feel like he would have never told me if I didn't find out. That makes me think what if he kept doing things behind my back, too. I feel all torn up about this and don't know what to do.I talked to a friend and she said that maybe we should go to counseling. I think that's a good idea, I guess. She also said that maybe we need to do more things to get closer to one another, like go places and find new things to talk about and this way we could rediscover each other and I might be more attracted to him this way. But wouldn't this just mask the problem?I keep thinking I want to divorce him, but I don't want to divorce at such a young age! I'm just in my mid-20's!! I only feel content or sad in our marriage. I want to be more than content!! I'm so confused. What should I do? What should we do?Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007): Resentment is unreleased anger, you have built walls around yourself and you are very shut down emotionally and you are suffering from it immensely, you can't love because you cannot release your anger.
You are protecting yourself from feeling the hurt and pain this caused you and you have feelings of unworthiness and not being loved, and you are really pissed off about not being able to make the choice to get married, you are blaming everyone else for that except you, who made the decision to get married, you made the choice, you just don't believe that you had one!
What you need to do to release this anger is to allow yourself to feel all the hurt and pain this caused you, and to look at your husband and see that he is not perfect, he has a limited ability to be wiser as he is very young just like you, he made mistakes, he has taken steps to correct them, you have to ask yourself are you willing to forgive him and what will you gain by doing so.
Forgiveness and the release of resentment is not about your husband, you are not doing it for him, you think he does not deserve it and if you forgive him it will set you up, open you up to be hurt again and you are very forcefully not gonna let that happen....problem is, you are hurting, you are hurting yourself now instead of him.
Forgiving is something you do for yurself, not him, you will never forget, you will never tolerate it again, but you have had two years now of your husband not doing the thing that hurt you in the first place, are you willing to let him off the hook so you can get reaquainted with what you fell in love with in the first place?
http://www.coping.org/anger/resent.htm#What
Here is a site that will give you some steps towards letting go of resentment, you would do best seeking counseling on your own, this is your problem....you need to change you, you don't have the power to change your husband, but you can work on you and you will be a much more centered and happy person if you did even if you were to leave this marriage, your unresolved resentment would go with you into your next relationship...so get rid of it you will be glad you did.
A
female
reader, Lilly223 +, writes (8 January 2007):
 You should go to a counselor and talk about your feelings of resentment, betrayal, and how hurt you were by this. Hanging on to something for two years is not healthy. Marriage counseling would be a good idea too... if you resent him, then obviously the communication in the relationship has not been at a level that it should be. Everyone makes mistakes, and it sounds to me like him NOT doing this anymore shows that there is something there worth working on. Don't throw away your marriage over a mistake, however insensitive it was, that happened two years ago. Yes, I know it feels like infidelity, and not a good way to start a marriage having that hanging over your relationship, but I believe this can be worked through with a little effort on both your parts. Good Luck, and don't give up yet.
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