A
female
age
26-29,
*kw99
writes:Hi everyone,When my boyfriend and I first started dating we were going to a party and I said as a joke "there are probably going to be really hot girls there" because he is very involved in sports so a lot of the girls that are in his friend group are very fit. He replied "only two that are hotter than you". Obviously it really hurt me a lot, and he has apologized but also said he was just being honest and didn't want to lie to me. They ended up not being at the party, but at another party coming up in 2 weeks they are for sure going to be there. I feel so insecure it's eating me alive. These girls are blonde and popular and thin and I feel so hurt my boyfriend would say that, because I'm more of a loner dark haired and I am thin but I have more curves than they do. Him and I have discussed it many times and he's said hotness is different from being beautiful, that he never meant to hurt me but I can't help but feel awful about myself and thinking in my head that he must want those girls instead. I told him that, and he said he knew them before me and never felt that way about them, and that he only wants to be with me but I don't know how to get past this, or how to face these girls at the party now. He shows he loves me all the time and is a ridiculously sweet guy, takes care of me always but this one comment has hurt so much. I just think in my head that I would never say something like that, and how could he so easily if he actually did love me? I just am struggling on how to get past that comment and how to not automatically start feeling awful about myself in front of those girls.Thank you for reading this and offering any responses.
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female
reader, Kkw99 +, writes (30 November 2015):
Kkw99 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to everyone for the responses. He is a kind man, and he goes out of his way a lot to make me feel loved- he's not someone that was trying to hurt me with that comment. I've been in a verbally abuse relationship before, and he is absolutely nothing like that. As one user commented- I gently grilled him the other night about it, and he got emotional and told me he never meant it that he was more attracted to them, that they have a "hookup vibe" about them more than I do and that's what he meant, not the actually appearance being better than mine. But of course it took a while for him to actually verbalize that. He says he prefers my body and everything about me, because it's "me"- and he said he prefers my curves to them being skinny. It's still hard to look past it because he originally said "hotter than you" so that's been ingrained in my head a bit now. As a side note- English is his third language so maybe that has something to do with it, although he has been talking in English for 10 years now so I don't really think it would be that bad. I'm thinking it's more guy vs girl talk and he had a moment of real stupidity- doesn't mean it hurts any less though.
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (27 November 2015):
 I think in your bf head he wishes he kept his tactless response in his head. In no way,in my opinion, does it mean he doesn't love you and I think his actions of taking care of you in a ridiculously sweet manner as you say is what you should be focused on. You mention that you have discussed the issue many times so my advice would be to leave it alone now because you have made your feelings known, he has apologized so next time might be the one time too many. My guess is he will treat the situation accordingly at the party, knowing how you feel so all you need to do is keep being your usually happy self that he found desirable and attractive to choose you as his gf. Just remember not to let your insecurities show, jealously in ugly and tiresome, instead be polite and friendly should your paths cross.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2015): We can talk all day and night about your insecurity or otherwise. The bottom line is you have a boyfriend who's not grown up enough to know when NOT to say crap things and, into the bargain is happy excusing his lack of manners as 'being honest'. You probably see hotter men than him daily. Do you find yourself compelled to tell him that ? No! Being rude and wanting to get away with it? Give him one chance to learn. Next time... just dump him.
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack  +, writes (27 November 2015):
I really hate the way society shames women who aren't "as hot", which is almost all of us.
Question: even if they're pretty, why do you fear them? What makes you think they'd want anything to do with him?
And even if they're "hot", what makes you think he'd cheat?
I'm 45 and my husband is a very young 47, and a career bartender which means that young, hot women hit on him daily. Yet I have no fear he will cheat. He adores me, wrinkles and all.
Seems you may have pushed him to admit whether there will be anyone at the party who is "hotter". Why? Does it matter? There will always be someone out there who is prettier, has a better body, etc. So what?
Confidence is sexy. Insecurity is not.
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A
female
reader, 02DuszJ +, writes (27 November 2015):
 There's slipping up and saying stupid things but this is one thing you just don't say to your partner- comparing them to others is truly insulting and hurtful- he must of understood this, a fool must know the effect these words have... Anyone would feel insecure and hurt by it! You know you would never say these words- it goes beyond a slip of the tongue IMOOf course wherever ANYONE goes, there's going to be someone fitter, better at something than you, more physically attractive than you- BUT the same goes for you- you have qualities and features that other people lack.It's tricky because you just don't say these words to your partner- unless you're trying to really hurt someone- OR You have a massive foot in mouth habit, terrible verbal communication skills that don't get across the right message (I.e. He didn't mean "hot" he meant fit) and the emotional IQ of 10. -but If you've been in a relationship a long time, youre likely to understand him more, and what he meant by it... If this is a fresh relationship, under six months, I would seriously question the sensitivity and overall character of this guy that thinks it's acceptable to compare you like this... And I don't think I'd bother to be honest, because he sounds like an idiot... :/So really grill him and actually ask him how he would feel if you said the same about two other guys- get to the bottom of exactly what he meant! If you can't come to terms with his explanation, then leave- sorry but for me it's more than a blunder, it's like a knife if your stomach, nobody should be made to feel inferior- the only way I would stay is if I really believe that he was trying to say something else but he said it in the wrong way... Although "hot" was a pretty transparent word to use, he may not have meant hot- or even attractive... Which I just don't understand really, and why I myself would probably write him off.So If you can believe that, give him the benefit of the doubt, ultimately it's what you BELIEVE he means, and what you can deal with. Take care x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2015): Unless he's an idiot he should know that "hotness is different than being beautiful" doesn't mean anything and he was stupid to say those things.
Flirt with other guys a bit see how he reacts!
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