A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Today I woke up at 8;00, drove to another city (20 min.) for a chiro appointment (1/2 hour) returned home (20.min.), picked up documents and drove to another city (20 min.), saw my banker for a wire transfer (20 min.), drove back to pick up my dog (20 min.), took the dog for shots and picking up food (40 min. including travel time), ate lunch AND read a newspaper (very decadent), went to a furniture store for 40 min., went to a shop and bought a gift for my husband's upcoming birthday (20 min.), returned home (10 min.), brought out drink for window cleaner and paid him (5 min.), walked dog (15.min.), washed dog because it was wet out (35 min.), washed the floor in dog's room (10 min.), sorted laundry and did a load (10.min.) washed kitchen floor (10 min.), changed and got on an eliptical machine for a 50 minute workout (1 hour), washed, dried hair, used tongs to straighten hair, applied make up and dressed before husband got home (1 hour). Throughout the course of the day I also answered e-mails and phone calls and made appointments. I am retired after raising my family, have done all the volunteering I will do while my children were at home, and have no family near by. I cannot work in the country I live in because not a citizen. I am fine with this and have friends that I visit when I feel like an outing. I am fine with my life. My husband woke up in another city at 5 to catch a plane. The plane was delayed until 1 pm. I called him throughout the ordeal to commiserate with him (I was driving at the time). When he arrived, he screamed for 45 minutes because the kitchen was dirty (when it was pretty obvious that he had had a really crap day and was taking it out on me). He said that I had done nothing all day. He more or less told me that he is not getting his money's worth by what I do for him (3 children and four countries later). He said I could have done much more all day, but he has support staff dealing with all his problems all day, and I feel like one of them! I was intending to clean and cook dinner at the same time. I am seeing a chiropracter because we moved after living overseas and I have been doing the lion's share of lifting. I pretty much do everything including shelf hanging and furniture building. My husband works, pays the bills and likes to cook on the weekend. When things are done like clockwork and Christmas decorations magically appear, nothing is said. The few areas that he unpacked, however, have been thrown in my face numerous times because I did not do them. I am well into my fifties. He has not gone golfing regularly in a decade, he has no friends outside of work, he does not participate in community events, he has no hobbies or outside interests. An evening or weekend's entertainment will always turn into what he wishes, otherwise you have to view it with a running commentary of criticism and sarcasm until here is no point in trying to watch it. He also thinks that I should have a bigger life, maybe open a business and become a more interesting person for him to come home to!We have been at crossed-purposes at many times, as most couples are from time-to-time. I would be at home with the kids, he would want to be home after travelling all week and I needed to get out. I really need him to see that I am fine with where I am, and I need his support in the form of appreciation. He makes me feel so defeated sometimes. When he walks in the door, every night, I can count on him pointing out some flaw instead of saying Hi Honey (honestly, every night). His complains constantly and never gives out any praise. I would love to get him to go to a councellor, but he is always busy and would never believe that he would have issues to deal with, they're all my issues. He now says that, according to his financial planners, he can retire in three years! I am having my blood-pressure monitered now, how am I ever going to cope and get him to be a real partner, right now, in real life? Should I record him and make him listen to himself?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2007): Hello,
I am 35 years old married for 10 years to the month. Every single day, I face the same problem. Apart from taking care of the home, 2 kids 6 and 3 years old, I am a part time employee. I have a masters in Computers and have lot of respect for the quality of my work. Its my husband who thinks that I am a moron and a very stupid person. Every action of mine, might be as simple as taking a picture he has a complaint. I am tired of it. We have 2 girls he has a constant complaint that I am not able to give him girls. Every time we go out as a family we end up fighting. If I dont do any thing nothing gets done, forever and still he acts like I am worthless. I cant file for divorce. I cant go for any kind of counseling, I have tried every possible way. I feel like giving up on life almost every other day.
He shows me all the other women he works with and tells me how beautiful and sexy they are. He has a problem if I get dressed nicely. He keeps taunting me, who do you want to show your body to.
All the while, he is 100 % sure that the problem is with me and not even remotely with him.
If not for the kids I wouldnt even be living!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for taking the time to write. I really appreciate your support WendyG and mum2be. I'm stll fuming and trying to decide what to do, but that week at a spa idea is looking better and better...
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A
female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (29 March 2007):
 I really do think that you need to sit him down and tell him that hes being unreasonable and that he cant tell you how to live your life. Tell him exactly how you are feeling. He obviously is wrapped up in his little world to appreciate that your life is just as important as his is. He has no concept of whats involved and doesnt really care!
He is being very selfish and obnoxious, just because he thinks hes the one out being the bread winner, doesnt mean that things at home will magically get done! Hes leaving everything at home to you and thats a mamouth task for anyone, what happend to sharing and caring, he really doesnt know whats its like to run a house obviously, I guess he thinks the fairies come in and do it!
I personally would book myself into a health spa something like that and let him fend for himself for a week doing everything and let him see how he fares!
It really annoys me these folk that say youve done nothign all day when they really have no concept of what took place, or even where to begin, show him exactly what you do.
A friend of mine went through a divorce recently, He had been made redundant, the wife was still working, he found it hard to get work even though he tried morning noon and night.
He was looking after the baby, doing all the housework, cooking cleaning, washing, tending to the baby (8months old) shopping, everything around the house, absolutely everything and she didnt lift a finger, he was up with the baby in the early hours, she did nothing, he also was looking for a job at the same time, but to her all this was not good enough, because he was not earning a wage, the long and the short of it was, your not earning you are no good to me! They tried marriage councilling and in the end all it boiled down to was just that money! She didnt care that everything got done and her life was made easier, it was the fact that she had to pay the electric bill for the electric he had used. Anyway long story short, she thought he wasnt doing enough and it didnt matter what he did it was never good enough, she didnt even care about marriage guidance in the end as things were not being done her way.... its a shame but he couldnt take it, he was run ragged and she just thought he was a sponger, she didnt care how much effort he was making, no matter what he did it wasnt good enough! he wasnt working so therefore he didnt deserve to be living in the house, depsite the fact her life was made easier and they could easily afford for him not to work. He was doing everything!
What ever happend to teamwork and support ?
Anyway, if your not careful this will be the route that will happen to you.. Talk to him, make him see whats happening, make him understand its not all smooth running keeping the house in order and so on... Its not about status, its not about who does what where, its about teamwork, loving understanding appreciateing one another, this has to work both ways.... His views are very narrowminded and he needs to be told now before this gets a bigger mess than it is. A marriage is about the both of you.. Not just one, if one isnt happy you have to speak up, the longer it goes on the worse it is, you have allowed him to do this for too long, speak up and get some respect from him.
Take care and hope things pan out for you. x x
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A
female
reader, mum2be +, writes (29 March 2007):
yes... make him see what a jerk he is being! You will hopefully be able to laugh about it later! (Just make sure that by recording him, you are not going to make him more angry).
Alternitively, you could have a bad day yourself, and start snapping at him... to see how he likes it.
A third option is to really sit and do nothing all day, to see how the house looks when you really have not done anything!!! I recommend the latter, but do try not to make the situation worse for yourself!
i hope this works out for you!
xxx
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