A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my fiance are going through a very rough patch.We've been together for 2 years and he recently proposed. We were friends for about 5 years before we started our relationship and I felt I knew him inside out.Many people told me I had changed him - for the better - and that his immature ways were disappearing and I had made him a better person. He also was known to get around a lot, and his friend told me I seemed to be the first girl he was actually genuinely interested in being with, for longer than a week. I took pride in this and I felt confident about our relationship.8 months into our relationship, I found he had cheated. I dont know what possessed me to carry on with him after this, maybe it was the fact he seemed genuinely sorry? I'm not sure. But never the less, I stayed.Now, 2 years on, he seems to be slipping back into his old ways.He's extremely immature and is starting to get manipulative. I simply asked him what he was doing today in general interest and he said i was 'interrogating' him and that I had no right to ask. Then refused to talk to me for a few hours because I had upset him.If I go out with friends, he'll ask me why I didnt ask him first if I could go and goes into tantrums where he doesnt want to talk to me and just rolls his eyes and fiddles with objects as to distract himself. Whenever I ask him a question such as 'What do you need from the store' he'll say 'Yeah' and I'll ask him if he was listening and he'll be like 'NO I WASNT GO AWAY' and then be like 'You know I'm joking'If I dont pick up my phone because I'm in the shower or something he'll text me something like 'YOUR WITH A GUY. YOUR IGNORING ME. YOUR CHEATING' and when I get out I'll be like 'babe, i was in the shower sorry for not picking up what did you need?' and he'll go off on one saying that he hopes i was having fun with whatever guy i was with etc, etc. and then later claims hes joking.His jokes are not funny, and to be honest its starting to wear me down. Ive tried talking to him but all that does is end in a tantrum or him swearing at me. I feel like I can't do anything without asking him first!
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female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (3 May 2009):
Ooooooh, if he's going to be a psycho then he should at least have the decency to be honest about it.
People who cheat are often the most paranoid and possesive because they know how easy it to do it so they can't trust.
The bad news is that you are going to have to give him a MASSIVE kick up the arse to get this sorted and it's not going to be very nice. If he can't sort his head out then he will get worse and worse until you either end up completely broken as a woman, or it'll end in screaming and tears and trauma for everyone. Please don't let it go that far. If you love him then you have to be strong for your sake and his.
SO:
Tell him you are sick of this and if he loves you then he will NOT do this any more. It's not clever, it's not funny. Tell him you love him more than anything but you will not stay in an abusive relationship and that is where this is heading.
You have to be really tough on this and tell him you will leave him if he carries on like this.
Then the tough bit.
When he does it again (and he will) then you give him his ring back / tell him it's over and walk away. Do not take his calls for 2 days, minimum.
When you do take his calls make sure he knows that he is on his last FINAL chance and then take him back.
If he does it again though, then you have to walk away and not go back as he will never change and knows your threats to leave him will mean nothing.
It's tough and it will hurt, but it would be so much worse if you stayed with him.
Good Luck!! xx
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (3 May 2009):
 Right now, he seems to exhibit the typical behaviour of the control freak. A nasty form of abuse as it leaves no physical scars but if you give in to it will slowly come to control your life. He decides who you can see (if anyone) where and when.
Why is he like that? Paranoia, mental disease or a desire to excersise control over you when he cannot have it over other parts of his life. Paranoia is becoming more common as a result of the use of harder versions of pot. Not that it really matters what the cause is.
Has he always been like this? Look at his relations with others especially those weaker then him. Or rather those he perceives as weaker. Abusers often suck up and kick down.
Is he an abuser? Oh yeah. But he is so nice or was so nice for so long?
Well yeah. Even women would not fall for a guy who the first time they meet punches their light out. Abuse slowly builds up, as the girl becomes more and more drawn in. Believing the bad parts are just temporary, they will go away and ...
Well it doesn't does it? He managed to act nice for a while but now his true colors are shining through.
There really is only one way to deal with this, and that is to remove yourself from his influence.
It won't get better, it will only get worse. Abusers want to control their victim to make up for the lack of control they got over their lifes. Every little mishap he will vent out on you.
No doubt you are going to say I got him all wrong. I don't understand him, nobody does. People should only give him a chancel. Your love will save him. Heard it all before. Just be careful. Emotional abuse is extremely hard to break away from. It is hard to spot for yourself until it is WAY to late.
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