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female
,
anonymous
writes: Dear Cupid,Sorry- this is kind of long!! I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years yesterday, I'm 30 and he is 26. I lived with him until 2 months ago. I lived with him for 3 years, where I found out he had a severe drug addiction, and that he was extremely emotionally abusive and had an anger problem that scared me. So I moved out. I told him that I would not continue seeing him unless he went to a Detox program. He went to rehab, and he seemed very loving and considerate for a few days after. The only thing I made him promise is that he would not lie to me about anything anymore and that if he had a relapse and told me the truth, I would support him and even go to NA meetings with him.By one week out, I found out he was doing drugs still, lying about a bunch of things to me, and had even gotten arrested for drug possession and he even stole my painkiller again.I told him it was over and never to contact me again because I can't be with a liar. He always cries and says he loves me so much and that I'm "throwing it all away" and that nobody will take care of me like he would. I grew up in an abusive alcoholic family, so I guess I have very low self-esteem and I have never felt so loved as when my ex was being kind and sober, but I don't think those nice times are worth all the suffering, fighting and pain.Am I being smart to end the relationship? He says he will go to counselling and all that, but I really feel like I can't trust him anymore and his abusive behaviour has scared me. Do I just move on? Can people change or do their actions really speak louder than words? THANKS! :)
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alcoholic, broke up, drugs, emotionally abusive, liar, move on, moved out, my ex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2007): I was a drug abuser in a relationship with someone. I lied often, and they caught me every time. I know my boyfriend still remembers when I was using drugs and the pain I caused him. But its been 2 years... and we're still together. I went through counseling and treatment, and even though he didn't participate with me, he made the ultimatium "Drugs or me." And I guess I made my choice.
I'm lucky. He should've left me. I don't want to make you feel bad, but everyone deserves a chance, especially if you are young.
Now, I have a great job and we have a great life. Things DO change.
A
female
reader, llqueen +, writes (3 March 2006):
Coming from a recovering addict: he needs to be alone in order to get himself straight. He has to do it for himself, not for you or anyone else. Its hard to understand, but leaving him may be the best thing you could ever do for him. It may open his eyes. Just remember, do not ever blame yourself for his actions. Drugs change people and make them do things they wouldn't normally do. And, people do change but only after having a long length of sobriety. So, I really wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, llqueen +, writes (3 March 2006):
Coming from a recovering addict: he needs to be alone in order to get himself straight. He has to do it for himself, not for you or anyone else. Its hard to understand, but leaving him may be the best thing you could ever do for him. It may open his eyes. Just remember, do not ever blame yourself for his actions. Drugs change people and make them do things they wouldn't normally do. And, people do change but only after having a long length of sobriety. So, I really wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, em123 +, writes (3 March 2006):
ive got a few words of advice for you.....drugs are for mugs...and i sense you know this deep down.dont stoop to his level.from the sound of you you are sensible and deserve better
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2006): Yes, you are being very smart. I am sorry, this is tough for you. Drug abuse is insidious and abusers need to be boxed in and take responsibility for their addictions. Simple plan..they do drugs-they lose. Immediately. Don’t let him get away with any drug abuse in your life. He is out of control. I would ask him to leave, kindly and firmly. Immediately, if possible. If he has made a promise to see help, then you need to be strong. Absolutely NO reconciliation until he's sober and trustworthy. Be prepared to wait this out...a long time. Are you up for that? If not..then simply move on. No one should be permitted to rip up other people's lives, with their acting-out behaviors. You need to protect yourself. You might consider taking care of yourself and learn from this relationship better ways of providing the best commitment you want, in the future with someone else. My thoughts are with you. Take care, dear
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2006): Yes, leave him. End of story.The reason I am not offering detailed suggestions is because ultimately you should leave him.
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