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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi there, I was hoping to find some advice for my problem...I was engaged before with this Muslim Egyptian guy, but he turned out to be controlling, possessive and emotionally abusive and I broke up with him. He now wants the engagment ring he gave me back, but when we broke up my mom took the ring back and took the money and put it into bonds...(I was 19 when all of this happened, and now I'm 21) so my dad really wants to give him the money back, but my mom said the ring was a gift and we should keep it, and I am just dealing with the hurt and devastation I endured while being in a relationship with him. Personally, I think he's a jackass for asking for it back considering what he put me through while we were together (putting me down, trying to make me convert to Islam, questioning my religion and the kind of person I was, slowly chipping away at my self esteem) yet I don't want to keep anything that was his, and I don't want him to keep coming back into my life to ask for it back or resort to violent measures to get his "refund". We've just decided to give it back, but we all are going to visit him to give it back to him--I am definitly going to be there because I am going to give him a piece of my mind before I give him anything back. I just don't know what to say or where to start so I can feel happy and satisfied I told him everything I ever wanted to tell him before I can finally feel closure and banish him from my life forever...I just was wondering if any of you guys had any suggestionson what or how I should say things so he can get the picture that I never want to see him again and he preyed on me when I was a young girl who never had a boyfriend before (at 19) and who I even gave my virginity to and who I lost my job over because I was seeing him...he pushed me to get engaged and pushed me to try to marry him...he doesn't even have a greencard...which was why he probably wnated to marry me--the only reason--I could report him to the police, which I haven't even thought about doing until now because I am so angry with everything he has done to me...but I don't want this anger to consume me..I just want closure so I never have to wish I could have told him this and that when I had the opportunity--I'm sorry for being so intense about it, but I just wnat to make sure I cover all the bases when I talk to him and do it in a smart way. Thank you
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broke up, emotionally abusive, engaged, money, muslim, never had a boyfriend, self esteem, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2006): "Tone" is what is missing in communication through the internet. I didn't say it was your fault, but I was trying to open you to perspective. Anyway, past is passed.
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female
reader, Angel ron +, writes (30 April 2006):
 Take my advice after the way he has treated you do not have anything to do with him do not see him or speak to him again and if you want to return his ring send it to him in the post marked special delievry signed for . Also move on if you wnat to tell him off for good contact the polivce and they will do the job for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey, thanks for everyone who ansered my question, I really appreciate it--I am not giving the ring back, and I'm happy with that choice, and I feel much better about things...also Martini--I didn't stay for long and I did agree with some of your points about the Islamic religion and how I was overhwelmed or daunted, but I disagree with how you said I have to remember that I allowed this to happen to me...as if it's all my fault and this guy had nothing to do with it--he charmed me into thinking he was one person when he wasn't and I know what I went through just like you went through some things I won't understand or know the severity of, I went through some things that were bad too. I didn't stay for long; I made mistake I knwo that, but I didn't ask for this to happen--it takes two to tango, but I don't think that's the one thing I should remember after this happened. Thanks for everyone's advice
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (29 April 2006):
 Keep the money from the ring and don't give him diddly! The ring was a gift.
Stand on your own two feet. If he keeps harrassing you or makes threats against you or suggests anything untoward will happen GET IN TOUCH WITH THE POLICE! The go live your life in peace.
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female
reader, carebear +, writes (29 April 2006):
 Nothing !!!
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female
reader, carebear +, writes (29 April 2006):
You want him to stay away GIVE HIM THE RING BACK end of story but I get the feeling you are wanting some kind of revenge because of the way he treated you this is IT now walk away and get on with the rest of your life.
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female
reader, Seratuki  +, writes (28 April 2006):
 Ok,Sounds to me like you got snowballed into this mess...19 with first boyfriend? thats a hard one in and of it's self. I know from experience that when you're young and that involved, well..you tend to overlook a lot of the persons shortcomings because you figure, "He loves me, he doesn't mean it, I just pissed him off." months or even years go by and you suddenly look in the mirror at a totally different person and think. "Oh god, what have I done? How could I be so stupid?"You do have the right to keep that ring, however, it might be better for your over all mental health to return it. As far as what you should say, just speak from your heart, and stand strong. Don't gp alone, take someone close to you with you for support.Let him see what he's lost, trust me, if you walk away from him with dignity, he'll be kicking himself over it.Good luck hon,Let us know how you got on :)-Tuki
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2006): [ahem] Unfortunately, it's NOT easy to just say it when I've gone through worst crap. I KNOW you will not agree with me, I was sure of it. You didn't want to listen to what I have to say and rather hear what someone with some sugar-coated crap have to say instead.
Anyway, you said you didn't ask for any of that to happen, and you said that he changed for the worst, yaddi yadda, BUT you stayed. You stayed to let him abuse you. You said you broke it off but he kept coming back. ALL you really had to do, is give the damn ring back - so easy. Just give it back. You have nothing to lose. Afterwards, switch yourself off from him, and do other things. Again, I suggest to you to turn your anger into other things.
AFTER what I went through a few years ago and recently, I concentrated on things in which I can transform my anger, hate, frustration, and stress, AND depression into something more constructive. It worked. Mind you, I also have emotional and tangible support from friends and family to get through those periods. IF you're wondering, the recent case was relationship-related and the one that happened half a decade ago had to do with mass corporate betrayal. Enough said.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, I know I was also in this relationship but I didn't ask for this to happen to me...when I met him first he was one way and then he changed into another person...I didn't ask for that..I didn't want to live with that and that's why I broke up with him...I didn't allow it to happen to me as if I wanted it and liked it....I cut it off because I wouldn't allow myself to be further abused by him--I totally disagree with you....I don't allow shit like that to stay in my life, but he keeps on resurfacing and I still have to deal with it all over again, how can I bury it in the past when it keeps on popping up like it just happened yesterday? It's easy for you guys to say get over it. Very easy.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2006): Just forget about it and move on learning from the experience. Life becomes unpleasent when lived with hate and aggression.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2006): Didn't you post this a few times before?
You know what? If it were up to me in your shoes, I wouldn't bother saying anything to him. I will definitely give back his ring, cuz I have no sentimental need for it. Think of it as keeping my dignity and integrity.
Objectively, you know that the Islamic religion is absolute for those who follow it. So it is highly likely they will view other religions as blasphemies. Coupled with your ex's personality, I am sure it was emotionally daunting for you to have to go through all that.
However, though you said you were emotionally abused by him, there is one thing you have to remember out of all this, is that you allowed it to happen to you. You are angry at him, because you are angry at yourself for letting him do all that to you. Yes, he was controlling, he was obsessive, and possibly violent and you were scared most of the time, but you were aware of it.
I suggest that you take your anger out on more meaningful things like taking a class on self-defense. Go learn a new hobby such as sky diving, or even challenge yourself to some physical and mental exercises such as climbing the highest mountain. Those are great character-building tools to get you started on maturing your own thoughts.
Why take it out on something who is worth less than shit. Rethink your position, and rather build toward the future, than to take it out on the past.
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