A
female
age
41-50,
*adinboston
writes:During my first five years of my realationship my husband kicked in the side of my car once when he was mad and grabbed me and held me by my throat once when he was pissed off at me. Is this abuse if these things only happened once in five years? Should I believe that he is over these things?In the last four years of our relationship, he has not done these things, but I cheated on him and we have been separated and living apart. He STILL wants to get back together, ugh, what is wrong with me...
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female
reader, YummyMummy  +, writes (17 July 2007):
 Yes that is violent abuse! Whether it happens once or a billion times its still violence that shouldn't be happening. Do you believe he is over the violence? It doesn't matter whether I believe or not, plus I don't know him so I can't comment. Do you think he will lash out again. If so I wouldn't go back there.
If not then you both need to work 100% to get your relationship back on track.
xxxxxxxxxxx
A
male
reader, childof1981 +, writes (17 July 2007):
 YES! it's absolutely abuse. When there has been violence in the past, there is sometimes no need for more in the future. The fear of past violence can be used to control present behavior, even if there is no violence the memory of it lingers and can be used in an abusive manner.
As for keeping your marriage together, you have elements of infidelity and abuse and while you may want just power through you should not do so without professional help. You need outside and objective analysis of both issues before you can make a reasonable decision.
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