A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Having the Define The Relationship Talk.Hugh and I have been seeing each other since last April then he went away for 6 months to fight in Afgan.We were casually seeing each other with all intention of calling it off when he went away, but then we didn’t. I think we both liked each other more than we expected we would.Other factors in this he probably like the Idea of me waiting for him and writing to him and didn’t like the idea of me moving on, he more than likely wanted some easy access sex when he came back on R and R. I simply liked him a lot and wasn’t ready to let go yet. It had been a nice calm relationship.However much of this calmness stemmed from the fact that we never addressed the difficult topics, The conversation we had before he left was in the car and he simply said “ so what do you want to do?” To which I replied “about what?” “About us, when I go away, because I don’t want to have to worry about you but I would like to see you when I come back.”Then I explained to him that I was happy to wait and wanted to see him too. But I’m still in this grey area. Things were still “loosely defined” as it were.Examples of things that make me think we need to DTR.He takes a phone call “What am I up to? I’m just with a friend.”“What am I doing today? I’m just sorting some shit out.”Then condom wrappers popping up in his jeans pocket and car, we don’t use them I’m on the pill. Then other times he says things like “Going out with you.” And I’m just confused.Every single time something like this happen it’s like a punch in the gut and I can’t take it anymore, Last night I went out with friends but instead of going clubbing I had to hide in the toilet and cry, I just don’t know what to think any more. I want to talk to him about it but I feel selfish and ridiculous asking these kind of petty questions when I know he’s been through so much and this is so irrelevant in the grand scheme of things I just can’t stop it from eating me up inside. It hurts.I don’t know how to do this without looking like a silly little girl.Help me.
View related questions:
clubbing, condom, the pill Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, ladyjaye +, writes (28 April 2010):
 talk to him properly, tell him what you want and ask him what he wants. if he wants to be committed to you which i doubt since he's obviously sleeping around, then im sure thats what you want, even though im not sure it will work... if it was me in this situation i would find someone else, even if its not defined as a relationship then if a guy likes you he either wouldnt sleep around in the first place or at least get rid of the evidence... dont fall into the "lets be together because its comfortable" trap... gud luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2010): You do have to tell him how you feel but not now. Now is probably an inappropriate time and he will likely feel you had a "sudden change of heart".
First you need to decide, him aside, how you want to define your relationship with him while he is gone. He has basically left the ball in your court because he has no control over things while he is deployed.
If you want to consider yourself as in a relationship with him and hold your heart for him then act as if you would if he had agreed to that. You don't have to tell your friends that you're committed but there is nothing wrong to saying that you just simply don't feel like going out to a club for a while because you are missing your boyfriend and feel it's wrong. If they can't understand that they aren't very good friends.
If you want to consider yourself as basically single while he is gone then don't worry so much about what he's done in the past. You can always address the situation when he returns and if he has any problem with how you behaved while he was gone you can simply bring up that he never clarified or defined what your role in his life was and that some of his behavior has led you to think he has not had any intention of maintaining a relationship.
Write letters or start a journal as if you were writing to him every day. Pour out your thoughts and feelings into these letters. These are not "Dear John" type letters that tell what you have been up to and how much you miss him but letters of a deeper nature. This gives you an outlet to let out your thoughts without keeping everything bottled in. You might also want to try a military girlfriend's forum. There are many online and you can find some lifelong friends there who can help listen to your concerns.
Men in the service, even committed entirely monogamous men, tend to go through a shift when they know they are about to be deployed to a war zone. Much of what they do is instinctual and in their heads. Often they distance themselves from the things they love the most in order to try to lessen the pain of losing those things. It sounds to me as if that may be what he was trying to do with you by this "casual relationship" but that when it came down to the final few days nearing his deployment he realized he may actually lose you and that probably scared him, too. He may or may not know how deeply he feels for you but it sounds like he really wants the chance to find out. It's up to you if you decide to give that to him or not.
When he returns home do as you said you would and be there waiting for him, even if you find that you don't want to continue a relationship. If you decide you want to then you can take him out to dinner and relax and enjoy yourselves. Give him a chance to see his family and get all his business in order. After about a week you can have your talk and if you want give him what you wrote. The best bet for your talk may be to start it with something like: "I know we had a great time before you left and I am so glad you are home. I realized while you were gone how much I missed you and I'd like to ask if we can make our relationship official." At least then you'll both get some closure, no matter what he says.
...............................
A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies  +, writes (28 April 2010):
 u were wrong when u said u were going to wait. u werent officially together so waiting seemed too much.
now im sorry but this is going to hurt...
u gotta let him go. he's insecure as he wants u for emotional cover and yet he has sex with other women. u can do better than that. there are so many men in this world. and next time dont try to tie the knot so soon.
...............................
|
