A
female
age
22-25,
anonymous
writes:i've been posting several questions and for some reason i've been having endless number of dilemmas... At first i didnt know how to ask my parents for permission for a day out to celebrate my birthday and chinese new year (CNY). Eventually i asked my dad and he agreed to it. So he let my aunt know (I live with my aunt as im studying abroad). Anyways, she intended to take me to HER friends dinner for cny night but i asked my dad if it was alright for me to have cny dinner with my friends instead since she's going with her group of friends. And honestly, like not to sound offending or anything, I don't fit with them you know? like theyre all over 60 and ive beeen to dinners with them and i usually end up just quietly eating that it. Like i can't engage in their conversation. I hope you understand where im getting at? Anyways, my dad called my aunt to tell her about me and i heard him say its okay, i'm letting her go and since you're spending it with your own friends, let her go. My dad understands like I obviously dont fit in with them... Anyways, when i spoke to my aunt she was hostile and like yelled at me like "Oh so you rather spend cny with your friends then, you know what you need ot learn to cook so i can go out with my own friends" i just looked at her and i was like youre spending it with your friends too. After that i just let her yell at me and show her temper too cuz theres no point of getting mad and i knew if i opened my mouth, it wont end well.. And just a few days ago, she scolded me again saying i had no common sense over something minor.. so like Ive enduring quite a lot from her too even though she was nice at first.. I spoke to my parents and told them about the no common sense thing, they were quite shocked and was surprised at her. so like i dont know honestly, like what else can i do? Like ive been nice to my aunt, i wash the dishes and help clean the house without her really knowing cuz i wake up earlier than her for school and all and i respect her and chat with her as a friend.. My dad told me not to take her words personally and i said okay, its just that ive never been yelled at like that apart from parents of course but from parents i probs deserved it but i dont think i deserved this.. My parents and i talk more often now because of this situation and i keeep them updated on my school stuff too. And like of course i respect my aunt as my aunt but my dad is like the person that tells my aunt what im allowed and not allowed to do, so ofc i seek his approval first before anyone else's ya know? so honestly i dont know what to do.. i mean if she was going be home alone on cny of course i wouldve stayed with her but she is going to be with friends.. I really hope you know what im trying to say, its super awkward for me cuz im just sitting there eating someone's cooking and i dont even know them well or even strike a convo up that i could participate in.It would like asking her to join my group of friends... that kind of awkwardness... and its also for an early celebration of my 18th and im actually spending my actual bday with my aunt so yeahhh should i tell my dad about this? I will be flying back to my home country soon, maybe i could talk to him about it? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (28 January 2017):
 You are almost 18, but are acting like a 14 year old, talking about chores you do. To be honest, it may be your dad's house and money, but she didn't have to be your guardian. Not only that, but you're a young adult who should do those things, regardless.
Yes, you're clashing, but that happens in families. Just ignore it and let it slide.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2017): I posted this question... I should mention that it's not her house, it's my dad.. And like my dad gives her money and all.. So Anyways that's not the point. I clean the house too it's just that she doesn't know because I do it in the morning before school and I usually clean the kitchen counters and well we have carpeted floors so I hover when it's needed. Then again, my dad makes the ultimate decision and then again I felt it was rude of her to yell at me and even my dad said I did nothing wrong in this situation but yet I'm getting a treatment that I personally feel that I don't deserve. Either way, I remained composed at all times and I suppose she's actually trying to get a reaction out of me but she isn't so.. Yeah.. I acted normal and just said hello when I came home but she ignored me when I made convo. So sorry if I should bitchy here.. I tried and she ignored. So I suppose being the so-called 'bigger person' gets you nowhere. So she can go spend time with her friends who have nothing better to do than criticise teens like me. Not to mention my aunt actually calls me crazy and all to her friends. So like even when I first moved here, she'll criticise but it wasn't noticeable and I didn't care but she kept on doing it until now, that's when I lose it. That's why I told my dad what happened because if it persists, I highly doubt I'd want to stay on with her throughout uni. Better to do smtg before the relationship is permanently damaged. Just so you know, I help around, I cook my own meal when she's out and I try to keep my room as tidy as I can. Especially when I have classes that run 9am-6pm. I don't have that much time but I do what I can. That's why I'm frustrated and I got angry at what she said but .... Life goes on.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 January 2017):
 I second what Aunty Bim Bim says, and I just want to add that you forgot to mention something which may be somewhat relevant to your issue, i.e. that Chinese New Year is not exactly the same concept, and the same celebration , as our New Year, or New Year's Eve. At least, so I am told by Chinese immigrants I know.
It's not all about drinking and dancing and having fun and being merry- it is a FAMILY occasion. More like our Xmas, in atmosphere. It is a time for all family members to be together, with special regard to older relatives who receive, and give, special gifts. The " reunion " dinners you mentioned in another post are called this way because it is when families are riunited, after often having spent the year apart for work reasons.
So I guess that your Aunt felt that the proper and normal thing to do for you was to spend Chinese New Year with her, who is family, and not with your friends. True, your Aunt too is seeing her friends, but I suppose that this happens not by intentional choice, I.e: she is not choosing friends over family. I guess she has no family members there, or else she is taking her family members along to this dinner. In both cases, and in honour of your tradition, I can see why she feels it is inconsiderate of you to ask to celebrate with your own friends.
Yeah, I have also been told that nowadays Chinese teens bristle at this kind of social obligations, and try to weasel out of it ... to spend the day locked in their room in form of a PC screen :)... Teens are the same all over the world :)
I also think that there's a bit of " This house is not a hotel ! " kind of thing. This Aunt took you in, offered you accomodation, cooks for you, looks after you , and is basically responsible for you while you are abroad and far from your parents. That's a big act of care and generosity of her, and you do not particularly care or notice , you sort of take it for granted , I suppose. Which is normal at you age, no big deal... but then again , I could understand if Auntie were a bit annoyed by the fact that you are ok with being housed, fed, looked after and helped out,.. but when you are supposed to keep her company and do a family thing with her, then no, it's not OK with you.
I am not sure , of course, that this is what your Aunt is cross about,... but it is a reasonable guess. Anyway : as the other DearCupiders have said, no need to make waves , nor to indulge a penchant for teenage drama. You told your father already, you can tell him again when you visit him if you wish,... by which time most probably it will have all blown over. Don't make a mountain of a molehill, and in the meantime, keep being polite and helpful ( actually, it's the least you can do , since you live in her house ! ), and see if you can manage to see her, and treat her, more like the close family member that she is, than the pesky owner of a boarding house whwe you happen to live....
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (26 January 2017):
 You already told your dad. You are living under your aunts house so you need to respect her decision and she technically is your guardian while you are in the UK. You just shouldn't take these things personal. I remember all off your posts, it is just teenage drama. Enjoy your travels and don't dwell on the small things.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (26 January 2017):
 If your aunt is, like her friends, in her 60s and you are still in your early teens (16 or 17) it is only natural for the two of you to fail to understand where the other is coming from. However, I must say this, for an older woman of that age group to accept responsibility of a adolescent of your age group, she needs to be applauded. Its never easy taking care of other people's children, and its even worse with such a big age gap.
I think you could discuss your aunt's attitude with your father, but its not life threatening, so leave the conversation until you get home, its not worth worrying him over and you and your aunt might reach some common ground before then.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (26 January 2017):
You've already told him. He's surprised by it and told you not to take it personally. Your aunt has allowed you to live with her for a long time, so that you could study abroad.
I think you keep having these issues (boyfriend, grades, dad calling "too much", birthday out, aunt, etc.) because you're not prioritising well and are making yourself wound up over little things. Yes, it's a little harsh of your aunt to snap, but it's not a major problem, as she's been perfectly okay, up until now.
Go out with your friends and let your aunt's episode slide for now.
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