A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Basically, I have been in a long distance relationship for nearly 6 years. When I was younger it was because we couldn't afford to move closer, and now its because he's been in uni and we can't afford to live together. So we have been apart, we see eachother once or twice a month for a weekend.But lately, I have started getting feelings for someone I work with. He's a couple years younger than me, and we have worked together for a long time. He invited me out drinking and he (he was drunk) told me he had feelings for me. I really like him too, but I can't tell if it is because I am lonely, or if it is geniune... I have never had feelings for anyone else while being in this relationship.Do you think I should leave my boyfriend? I haven't done anything with this other guy, but I want to. Is it just lust? We have a lot in common. I am scared because I don't want to hurt my boyfriend. What should I do? :(
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 July 2011):
 If you leave, or end a relationship, there will always be hurt. You'll be hurt as well, because you separate yourself from a person who matters a lot to you. But even if they matter a lot to you, and you care for them, you also need to take a good look at if your needs are being met. In long distance it is hard to have all your needs met. Such as intimacy, physical contact etc. You might be in lust, you might be lonely, but I wouldn't call it "just" or "only" like those two things are small concerns. Being lonely, and craving physical intimacy, is not a bagatelle. These things are missing in your relationship, and your craving grows with the years, and now you've met a man who brings out these feelings in you. I doubt it is because he's such an amazing man, I think it has more to do with you growing more lonely with the years, and as you become an adult you are more sensitive to your own needs and desires. Meeting this new man casts light over concerns you have about your current relationship.
If you want to end the relationship or not is up to you. If you want to continue the long distance needs to come to a definite end, that is for sure. And fast as well. It still remains to be seen if you and your boyfriend can work in a relationship where you see each other daily.
If you want to end the relationship, don't jump straight into a new relationship. Take a lover if you want, but no strings attached. You need time to get the old feelings for your now boyfriend out of your system before you can grow independent feelings for a new man.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (18 July 2011):
 I think you are very young in age still to be totally committed to one person; and although some relationships survive separations, not all do.
HOWEVER, the important part of any relationship IS the commitment! Although you are lonely; going out drinking with someone else when you already knew you had an attraction to them isn't being very loyal to your boyfriend.
If you are operating on the assumption that if you were truly in love you would never-ever have any feelings of attraction to anyone other than your husband/boyfriend/lover - that just isn't true. I have been married for 35 years and you DO meet people that you are attracted to even when you are in a relationship or are married and the important thing about being attracted is that you don't ACT on those feelings. If I noticed someone making eyes across the room at me - I CHOOSE to ignore it. You don't hang out with men who are trying to court you, unless you want to explore that - and as I have said - you are a young woman.
Sometimes people get that initial rush of attraction confused with love; some people spend a long time chasing that feeling and becoming adrenaline love junkies and sex addicts because that initial heady rush is so intoxicating.
How you sort out your feelings for your boyfriend and this co-worker are now up to you to figure out. Any relationship should be a choice to commit yourself and with that loyalty; grow closer together and that is your decision - based on your mutual values and your having similar goals in life. It might sound boring and traditional, but that's usually what most people take into account when choosing a partner-in-life - which is the whole point of dating and shopping around. (Also, there is no need for any confession to your boyfriend, you did nothing wrong; it would just provoke unneeded jealousy...)
If you do decide that you aren't sure about your current relationship, you do owe it to your boyfriend to let him know that you wish to break up as soon as possible (it's only fair); but if it IS him that you wish to stay bonded to - you need to stop "dating" other men or hanging around with ones that are trying to pursue you.
Being young and unmarried, but in an LDR, I can certainly understand why you are lonely and how you can get confused if someone else is pursuing you. You obviously have great concern and affection for you bf - I would suggest that YOU are the person who is charge here.
Take a break from them both (or put some distance between yourself and your colleague) and think your choice over carefully. Choose with your HEAD and your heart and you will have your answer.
Best of luck Hunnie. x x x
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