A
female
age
,
* from wales
writes:I split up from my partner in september because he cheated on me, it was the most painful time, emotionally and financially, i,m now starting to get on my feet at last and i can tell you, it hasn't been easy as i did love him to bits and i thought he felt the same, obviously not. This has left a big dent in my confidence as you can imagine, i question myself over many things about myself, my looks, figure ect. I would love to meet some one else but at my age its not easy, the men i,v met up to now only want one thing, i no they are not all like that and i,m sure there are some decent ones out there. I,m not a super model i no..lol.,but many people have said i,m quite attractive and i do have a decent figure..not everything i no. I,m working on my confidence, I,m reading the Instant confidence book by Paul McKenna and listening to mind programming CD, which i no is helping and have started looking after my health better with my diet and cut out drastically my alcohol intake. I just think i,m doing something wrong, i no having a partner is not everything but i don,t really want to spend the rest of my life on my own, any helpful advice would be so appreciated.
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cheated on me, confidence, split up Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Deema +, writes (30 October 2009):
 So pleased for you. You see when you go for the one who isn't your'type' how much better it turns out to be. I tell my daughters now that when they see a man they know is their type - run. Cus it means they are just gonna go round and round in the same circle. And I'm always delighted when I hear someone say he's not my type - great - that means you are breaking the cycle - way to go. Well done you. Wishing you lots of love and happiness together. xxxx
A
female
reader, s from wales +, writes (1 June 2009):
s from wales is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hello everyone again, long time no see, just to let every one know how things are since i last wrote on here, which was quite a while ago, i have since met a lovely guy who is completely different to the guys i normally go for, as at first i wasn't sure when we first met he was my type, we have been together since sept 08, i couldn't be happier, we are just beginning to live together while renting my home out, and do you know what? I never thought for one minute i would be where i am now, but I am, I love my new partner too bits and i no he feels the same, we have an equal relationship, where we do our own thing, work, friends ect and dont live in each others pockets and complete trust in each other...I havn't been this happy in such a long time, thanks every one again for all your answers, xx
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A
female
reader, Deema +, writes (13 June 2008):
Its a wierd one. There are lots of ways to look at this. You could be in a relationship and not be happy. You could still feel very alone. Just because we see people holding hands and walking along together, doesn't mean everything is ticketyboo, just we think that, but we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I had both. I was in a long term marriage, then we divorced. At first it was wonderful, then it was ok but lonely at times - but the feeling of freedom was fantastic - there are a lot of pluses about being single. Now I've remarried. But my husband is rarely here, works all the hours God sends, and though I quite like the relationship being like that cus it means I still get to keep my freedom, I too can stil feel lonely - and I'm married!!!! So you see, you could see us walking along holding hands on one of those rare occasions we are together, but it could be a total misconception on your part. Personally most of the time I think I'm lucky. I don't want to go back after 7 years alone, to cooking, cleaning and washing for someone else. Yeah Igot selfish, just got used to looking after me, doing what I wanted, and most of the time thats what I get to do inthis relationship, so I have to take the bitter with the better. Can't have my cake and eat it. So when I feel lonely I ask myself what is I need that I'm wanting from him that I can give to myself? If I'm bored is it up to him to entertain me? If I'm sad is it up to him to cheer me up? If I need a chat don't I have enough girl friends or family to chat to? If I need to go out, then I can go - plenty of things to do if you look out for them. So really we don't need someone else to make us happy. Its all there for us already. Yes its nice if someone enhances our lives, but its not good if we need them there as a prop for somthing that is lacking in our lives. I have to say, it took me several years to be able to say that and mean it. I was very needy too in the beginning. Then I grew up and thats the main thing I have to thank this relationship for - though in some way its done him no favours - I can live him or without him now, quite happily. But hey, isn't that the best way to be?
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A
female
reader, s from wales +, writes (13 June 2008):
s from wales is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou every one that has replied to my question, i will take on board a couple of things that are very true, like maybe its too soon, concentrate on myself for a while and give myself a good pat on the back for what i have achieved up to now. Thankyou again everyone xx.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): I had similar feelings when my wife moved in with my son for two weeks. I felt so alone and worthless, what an all encompassing feeling that was. I couldn't do anything but think about being by myself. If you have any children, being with them may help. If not, maybe a girlfriend you could do things with for a while.
I think the fear of change and consequences keep my wife and I together after 30 years. So many single men or women have undesirable baggage or are weird in some way by the forties. Some are meant to be single because no one could put up with them. Maybe you can locate a man in a similar situation as yours through your friends. good luck
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A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (13 June 2008):
 Hey you just got back!! lol... relax and enjoy! I have 33 year old friends that have never had a boyfriend so you are definitely in good shape!! Here they say that if you've loved once, you'll love again...
I think the most important thing is to be ready for when a special one comes along. That means continue to do what you are doing... you need to be healthy (physically and mentally) when the new "right" arrives.
Maybe you can join a class of something you like, search the web (I met my husband on line), go on vacation with friends and most importantly, look for him in places you'd think you could meet a good one (pubs and bars usually turn up guys who like to go frequently to them, so I wouldn't suggest it). Start walking with friends, join new groups, go on an adventure! My point is, don't sit to wait for him but don't rush either. Do things you like and enjoy your alone time while in the process.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict +, writes (13 June 2008):
 I think the main thing is not to be too nervous of new people.
You may think that men you meet are only after one thing - well, it's the same advice as should be given to a girl dating for the first time: you don't have to do ANYTHING you don't feel comfortable doing, and if he doesn't understand that then he's not respecting you and your feelings. The rules don't change just because you are older.
I'm sure you're already aware that most men in their forties won't come without some sort of "baggage" attached - ex wives, children etc. In fact, although there are some who don't, I'd tend to be more suspicious of them - a case of "why not at your age? Is there something wrong with you?"!
There are plenty of men out there to choose from. A friend of mine approaching her fifties is getting married next month (although her new husband-to-be is more than ten years younger than she is!). My father is currently "dating" (and he's 85 in September). You most definitely don't have to be a supermodel, and you don't even have to be particularly attractive. There's far more to a relationship at any age than good looks or a firm body.
Don't worry too much about your own confidence, although what you are doing certainly won't do any harm. More important, look at people you meet and try to spot the signs that they might be interested. You don't have to make the first move, but if you think there is a possibility and you find him attractive/interesting, then just make a point of being at the right place at the right time so you see him as often as possible. It will all happen nicely on its own if it's going to happen - and he'll do all the work. It's not like you were trying to get some nervous youngster to date you! The man you want is out there somewhere. Get out and about, and he'll find you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Twirly +, writes (13 June 2008):
 Hi Sweetie,
It sounds to me like you're doing really well rebuilding your life after what has happened.
September isn't all that long ago and I think you should try to see this time on your own as an opportunity to enjoy rediscovering yourself in the way that you seem to be doing. Building your confidence, enjoying being independent and free, spending time with friends, family etc...
You're still healing from all that's happened to you and Im sure you will meet someone lovely but perhaps it's best that you haven't done so yet, as it'd be far better to meet someone new when you're really over the trauma of your last relationship.
Good luck and well done on doing so well on your own, you sounds like an amazing,strong,fantastic lady!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): I know how you feel, it can get lonely and yeah, it is nice to share life with a loving, caring partner.
I am in the same age group then you, and trust me, there are lots of guys out there that are also looking for a good solid relationship and not just sex.
Meeting them can be a little difficult, but I suggest you consider all possible ways to meet new people.
Good luck, hope you find the right "soulmate" soon!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): I sympathise with you. I split from my husband almost 3 years ago, I am similar in age to you and I have found it very difficult to find anyone new. The first mistake I made was to try to find someone to fill the void that my husband left. I didnt give myself any time to discover who I really was or what I wanted. I didn't even think about all the thinks I could do with my new single status. I became disillusioned, miserable and lonely.
I tried internet dating and had lots of liasons with various men in the first year. Many of them had massive problems or debt and you could see why they were divorced or seperated.Some lead to sex immediately and I began to feel dirty and ashamed. I then met a couple of men who seemed genuine. We tried to take things slowly and get to know eachother and they both seemed very keen to begin with, but eventually something gave and both relationships ended with them dumping me and moving on.
I became almost obsessed with one of them and continued to try to call him even though he didnt want me to. He tried to be nice at first but then in desperation, told me where to go, in no uncertain terms. I felt I was in some kind of madness and that I had no control over my actions. I felt out of control and decided to back off.
This lead to a big long period of depression and self loathing on my part. All I seemed to think about was being with a partner, like it was the only thing that could make me happy. Nobody seemed suitable and I felt that I had to be someone else in order to attract a man to me, of course this was just a false hope. Even meeting someone on a casual basis is difficult as most men seem to go immediately to the sexual route and they dont realise how uncomfortable and pressurised this makes a woman feel. A desperate woman, such as myself, would easily cave in to sex and then feel bitter, emotional and used.
Now in my life I have accepted that I will most likely be alone forever. I cannot imagine ever meeting a man who would understand the way I feel or who I am. I am 44, tall slim, attractive, have been told I have a fantastic personality. I have a great job and two amazing kids...but none of this makes me more special than anyone else or gives me the tools to attract the right mate.
I long to be loved, to find that someone special. Like you, I thought it was all down to confidence but I was wrong. Nothing can be forced or made to happen. You cannot give yourself away... so my advice to you is to forget about a partner. Make your life your own, do things that you want to do that make you happy. I am moving to a new town and I have already planned activities I shall get involved with when I get there.
I am not saying you will never find a partner, but if you constantly search it will not happen. You have to make it a secondary thought in your life, something you only think about occasionally, because if, like me, you let it lead your life...you will end up in misery.
Be happy with just you.
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): The best advice I can give you is to relax. Actively looking for someone is a sure way to either not meet someone or to attract the kind of person who will take advantage of your vulnerable state. I think you are making good progress in boosting your self esteem, but maybe you should give it a bit longer? I would suggest that maybe you should sign up for something that is worthwhile and social that you can have fun doing. How about looking into some local dance groups, where you can socialise, get the benefit of the excercise that dancing will give you and have some fun. Or how about looking into some academic courses, such as part time college or evening classes? Work on expanding your social circle, find time for passtimes that you enjoy and make the most of your life as it is now. The more social, confident and happier you become within yourself, the more likely you are to meet someone who will become first a good friend and then maybe something more.
Good luck to you, and I really do hope that life brings you all you wish for.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): You say you are low on confidence. This is understandable we have all been there at the end of a relationship and it takes time to settle get your house in order and move one.
One thing you don't lack is self respect, you were cheated on and made the big ( albeit probably difficult ) choice to leave, this on it's own should give you plenty of confidence, and I am sure it won't be a decision you will come to regret in time. In fact you will look back and be very proud of yourself, as you should be.
What I would do is concentrate on yourself do things that make YOU feel good, get out and socialize spend as much time with your friends as you can, do things for yourself as you said looking after your health, eating better, buying new clothes whatever it is that makes you feel good about yourself, as soon as you are happy with yourself your confidence will start to soar.
I know no-one wants to be alone for the rest of their life but take it from me the old saying "it always happens when you aren't looking for it" is not far from the truth well it has been for me anyway.
Maybe now is the time to be a little selfish and once that confidence starts creeping back you will feel you can take on the world.
Best of luck
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