A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I’m all alone this X-Mas season, thinking about my ex a lot. She’s my first love and since we broke up my life has been a mess. I’m in uni right now but it’ll take me awhile to graduate. My best semester was when we were dating. Now I feel so unmotivated and alone, I’m terrified of having to find someone else just to have them break my heart too. I’m seeing a shrink but it still isn’t helping. I know I’m young but I suck at dating ( always been dumped). I just thought she was the one, we were going to spend this season together but life happened. Tried getting back together but she said that she “REALLY doesn’t feel that way anymore and just wants to be friends” I just guess I’m hoping anyone has any advice on how to move on from this, it hurts a lot. My birthday is in a few days and without her it seems meaning less.
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female
reader, Blueeyes2121 +, writes (26 December 2017):
 Being friends with her wont help in my opinion.
Hang out with people who love and support you, your true friends, it only takes one great friend to make us feel ourselves, or a great family member. Share your thoughts with them, but you dont need an old love/girlfriend to be happy, it ended for a reason.
Do things you love, this will pass in time. You are young (if you are in school) youll find another great person, I promise.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (26 December 2017):
 The way you're thinking isn't healthy at all.
A partner is supposed to be someone that compliments and ADDS to your life, not makes it. The second that you become dependent on your other half is where the downfall begins as you become clingy and needy and can't do anything on your own.
The fact of the matter is that dating is hard work, but the whole point of it is to find the person that is right for us. Until we get there, you meet a lot of people that will mess you around and take the piss, people you can see a future with only for them to disappear.
The best way to see break ups is a blessing in disguise, it simply means that this person wasn't right for you. They did something to either hurt you or realised for their self that you weren't right for them. Remember, they're trying to find the one also, it's not only you who's looking for love, so don't just think about your own feelings here.
All you can do is take your time, let your feelings and frustrations out but do not shut yourself off from the world. Now is the time for your family and friends and to work on yourself rebuilding your confidence until you're ready to put yourself out there again. The world isn't going to stop turning whilst you feel sorry for yourself so it's pointless, you're only slowing this whole moving on process down for yourself.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself down and remind yourself that you guys weren't suitable for each other and your ideal match is still out there, you just need to keep looking.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (26 December 2017):
 Oh sweetheart. First loves are always SO painful. I am so sorry things did not work out.
You need to give yourself time to get over this breakup. By that I mean months, even years. Learn to be alone again. Concentrate on your studies. Learn to be strong so that you do not need someone to prop you up.
Reconnect with all your friends. Accept all invitations to go out. Enjoy yourself. Don't overdo the alcohol intake. Just chill.
The new year is round the corner. Drown your sorrows until then, then shake yourself down and put your best foot forward. Smile at people. You will be amazed at how quickly that face you put on becomes a true reflection of how you feel.
I hope 2018 turns out to be a good year for you.
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A
female
reader, mishi 1 +, writes (26 December 2017):
 Why you are thinking about a selfish person who don’t care for your feelings. She don’t deserve you.
It’s more easy to move on if you accept the truth. The truth is she don’t love you if she loved you she never broke your heart.
Maybe she is dating someone else now. It’s not wroth it to think about a person who don’t care for you and your feelings.
Best
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2017): You'll feel better if you stop associating your relationship with holidays and birthdays. If you can't handle them alone; then it's time you start practicing.
There are times in your life you're supposed to be alone. It is necessary for personal-growth, introspection, your psychological-development, and down-time to pursue self-improvement. Set some goals outside of chasing skirts!
Seeing "shrinks" will not make you stop feeling normal emotions. You're supposed to feel sadness, grief, and the pain of loss. It is part of maturity and a fact of life.
Two major challenges in ascending to adulthood/manhood; is exercising your judgment and decision-making. Learning to set priorities. Developing the resilience to spring-back from failure, disappointment, and heartbreak. You don't collapse, you bounce-back.
Time to be a big-boy. You're not a kid anymore. Wallowing in your tears and having tantrums; because life doesn't go your way.
With women, you win some and you lose some. Grow-up!
You were too focused and infatuated in that relationship.
Part of her leaving was probably because she may have felt smothered and idolized. Young men your age tend to place women they love up on a pedestal. Your love is expressed more like worship. Emotions that are centered around her appearance. Your validation comes from trying to please her every wish. You try too hard to be her everything; or you're so immature you don't see your own faults. Maybe she had to remind you over and over, but you just never get it.
Most young relationships are meant to be short-term. Especially when you're a student. If you're spending all this time getting therapy and such, when do you get your schoolwork done?
Stop girl-chasing, dude!
Sometimes young women find it difficult living-up to high expectations and perfection. It's also difficult to be in a relationship where your feelings may not be as strong for the person, as they may have for you. If you always get dumped, try and figure-out what is consistent about the reasons you get dumped. Then stop doing it!
If it's one girl after another? It's not them, it's you!
My guess is you're trying too hard and you're clingy. Your post has a strong element of insecurity; and you may lack self-confidence, which makes women uneasy around you.
Take time-off from relationships and just concentrate on your studies and yourself. You're over-challenging yourself in the romantic arena; but you might lack the maturity necessary to deal with serious or complicated relationships. You've convinced yourself that you have to have a girlfriend! When you should date more casually and socially; with your mind more focused on your studies.
You want to get a girl off your mind. Dig your heels in; and concentrate on your schoolwork. Your grades must be sub-par!
You feel unmotivated? That's definitely immaturity! If you had it together, there would be some balance.
Being Romeo was not why you signed-up for college. You'll get-over her. Just stop obsessing over women; and you'll have less grief in your life.
Crack those books!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 December 2017):
 Dear OP,
You CAN NOT revolve your life around another person. That is not happiness, that is being needy. But it's also NOT being fully involved.
You HAVE to find what makes YOU happy (that you don't need others to do FOR you) Be it doing the BEST you can on studies, cut the contact with the ex-GF (being friends isn't realistic and only hurting you for now, so let her go). You are in your 20's so you know that you are a WHOLE person. Not half a person. It's YOUR job to find YOUR happiness.
When you find what makes you happy, a better person - BETTER "quality" women will be more interested as well.
Slow down on your expectations. You WANTED your ex-GF to be "the One" - and I get that, but it's a LOT to put on another person's shoulders. And in a sense, it got you to be complacent. Lazy if you will.
Shitty relationships can be helpful in the long run as we find out what we DO NOT want in a partner. It helps us make our OWN standard for what we would want from a partner and relationship.
You might meet another girl who breaks you heart, you might break some girl's heart. Life is not easy. You have to take these knock down with an open mind and ACCEPT that sometimes relationships don't work. Sometimes people suck! Sometimes you have to kiss a whole lot of roads to find the "right" one for you.
You can't BLAME your ex-GF for the fact that you life is a mess. Time for you to pull yourself together and move forward. Living in the past with a "fantasy" will do nothing for you.
Unfortunately, rejection is part of life. And even worse it hurts. EVERY time. But like other things (good and bad) it also gives you a lesson.
Don't LET her have all this power over you. Take charge. It is YOUR life, do ALL that you want to do with it. Spend time with family and friends and DO NOT go looking for a rebound. You will only attract girls who you don't really want.
Be the guy YOU want to be.
A "shrink" will not fix this for you or cure you - all they can do is GIVE you tools so YOU can learn to handle rejection and other life skills. Take those skills and USE them to move on.
Think about what this girl said when she broke up with you. Did she hit some true point?
Chin up, OP - we have all been there, it sucks but in time you will probably come to see that she wasn't that great of a fit for you.
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