A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband had to go to a branch office to concur with people, because the branch office was closing down. It was a day trip.When he got home from work at his normal time he changed into a t-shirt, I noticed 3 long scratches on his left bicep. On his right arm and lower than bicep was one long scratch and there was a small bruise on the inner right wrist and the bruise was located to the left.He did not have those scratches when he left for work.I asked if he had lifted something heavy. He said no and he didn't know how the scratches got there.If I had those scratches I would have felt them. They weren't scabbed or deep, but they were red scratches.Later, when we settled down to watch a movie, on his own admission, he referred back to his scratches and he said the branch office, which is in an old building, has ghosts according to the employees that use to work there, and he said maybe the ghosts gave him the scratches.I've noticed a pattern when he lies. He will refer back to the issue on his own accord and talk more about it.Am I suppose to buy what he said to me about ghosts giving him scratches?? I thought that was a bunch of marlarky he was giving me...not unless one believes in demon scratches and such (in a series of 3)...which gives me the shudders for me to even be thinking like that.He does obsess about certain women at work...so you know where my mind is going on this and I wonder if he is having an affair.I want to stay level headed about this.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2014): A girlfriend once accused me of the same thing when she saw me with my shirt off. It turned out to be a product of the strap on my luggage. I broke it off shortly after.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2014): I caught my ex in bed with his lover and guess what? He denied it was him and after he threw up a huge smoke screen I almost believed him. I still kicked him to the curb. I am crazy, not stupid. If your gut tells you something isn't right go with your gut.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): The OP here.Thank you for sharing your experiences. I will be on the alert for any more changes in his behavior.I have noticed only these changes:He has started to wear more professional trousers to work.Just yesterday he gave me very expensive earrings for a major event I have coming up. But, he has done these type of surprises before.He has talked a lot about a recently divorced female coworker. He mentions her all the time and being sympathetic to her plight since he was divorced too. She is younger and very attractive. I see a bonding there since they are both divorced.He is not taking any extra showers. The sex is the same--I'm on the alert for new positions. We each have our own computers and phones and our own passwords that we don't share. We don't invade each others privacy. We don't live in area for escorts to be available.After I saw the scratches I checked his underwear for any signs of leakage and could not find any.I'll sit and wait it out. I am financially dependent on him for now (which majorly sucks--I hate it actually) with this bad economy.
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A
male
reader, methuselah  +, writes (25 April 2014):
Hi,
I think for the moment, it would be best for you to not mention this to him any more and just carry on as normal.
However, you are now on alert, but, do not let him know you are on alert. Further, I know this may sound odd, but could he have visited an escort for some reason? It may not be an affair but an escort visit?
But, in all cases, just be on alert and begin to take note of things he is doing. For example, is sex the same or less? Is he being 'normal' or extra nice? Does he change after-shave, clothes more regularly? Laptop use in private or mobile phone secrecy? Extra showers? This sort of thing. Best wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): I think very few partners get hard evidence immediately. I always think it starts with a gut feeling, but then I also reckon the gut feeling is there because we pick up on subtle signs and signals from other people all the time. And especially from those closest to us. We know them well, or at least we know what they show us, so when behaviour changes, then we notice.I posted about this on another site about cheating years back, I must get the name of it as there is some brilliant advice on there. I think it's called Truth about Deception or something like that, I will find the link. I haven't been on there in ages but your post really reminded me of it!A bit of a long story which happened to me. But I also had a gut feeling. Ex was happier than usual, prancing and dancing about, cooking extra special dishes, boasting about how great a cook he was. He had recently started a college course and had made some odd and very random and bizarre observations about women and men and the interactions between the sexes. I had already noticed other strange behaviour, more use of aftershave, more attention to what he was wearing, asking my opinion on which shoes went with which trousers .. something he never ever did before. He also asked me every morning without fail what I was planning for the day at work and would I like to meet him for lunch. I now realise he did this to establish precisely where I would be all day. College was a good 45 minute bus ride away.A few days later he came home 2 hours late. I started to get impatient as I had planned to go out for my run or something like that and it was starting to get dark. He arrived a bit flustered and hot and threw his jacket down onto the chair. I can't remember when it was exactly but I found matches from a hotel which was really close to the college which had fallen out of his pocket. Later on I asked him if he had been for a coffee somewhere as the hotel has a cafe. I asked where did the matches come from. He said a friend worked there.It was soon after this that we had a night out and he got very drunk and I didn't. He mentioned someone at college liked him and had approached him but not to worry, he would never do something like that to me and anyway, she had a spotty face! The next day we were meant to be relaxing together and he scrambled out of bed in a panic and said he had to do the shopping. Very odd. He took 2-3 hours to shop and it normally took him 1 hour, never 3. His excuse when he came back was that he had ran into an old friend and had coffee. He took his jacket off and popped out again and I checked his pockets. I found a hotel key.In a nutshell, the signs were there really. But then I found the evidence. He told me several ridiculous tall tales about this hotel key, you know the type I mean, the swipe card. I took it to the hotel, which this time was just 10 mins walk from his flat and they confirmed it was their key but they couldn't give me details from it. he told me several different lies, what it was for, a friend gave it to him, he had had it for a week, then later when I asked him, it was for 2-3 months. He insulted my intelligence with the ridiculous stories. I can almost laugh a couple of years down the line. If it wasn't cheating, he was up to serious no good. In hindsight I now believe it was both. Do your detective work. Don't let on that you suspect something.Sorry if this was long but I wanted to give you an example of a situation.. how it can start etc. I do think those scratches are from a woman, if he hadn't been mauled by a dog or moving furniture/pushing through a bramble bush.. then yes... where else CAN they be from? Also the fact he has mentioned a woman frequently. That is also a sign, men do this more than women when they cheat. Good luck in getting to the bottom of it all. Maybe if you can afford it a private detective would be the quickest way to find out? If I could go back in time though I would have been out of my abusive relationship much much earlier. I hung around to be lied to for way too long. Liars think they are clever but there is always something which they will trip over. I hope you get to the bottom of it. I never did, but his treatment of me with the crazy lies and gaslighting and his subsequent verbal, emotional and financial abuse of me and my situation was something I would have avoided had I left him much earlier. You may want to consider that.
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female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (25 April 2014):
 Like intrigued, I had the gut feeling. Coupled with him wearing new aftershave, acting shifty, and keeping his phone either turned off or in his pocket. Oh and he kept mentioning Katie, a new colleague. I didn't find out for certain until after the relationship was over. A friend told me.
Another time, I was in the early stages of dating someone and found a woman's set of hair grips in his bedroom. He said they belonged to his little daughter (I didn't buy it) and he also had his phone glued to him. Perhaps I was being paranoid but my gut said I wasn't the only female in his life, the big hair grips were not his daughters, and I stopped dating him. I felt the urge to snoop and look at his phone but then realised that since it had got to that stage, I wouldn't lower myself to snoop and I'd just end it. That said, you're married, there is more at stake, and I wouldn't blame you for snooping or even hiring a private investigator!
A combination of gut instinct and small clues tells you what you need to know, I think. Did you feel distrust before the scratches? By the way I agree he's insulting your intelligence blaming the scratches on ghosts. If he's a habitual liar, as you suggest, I'd be on red alert with him anyway.
Good luck, keep strong.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (25 April 2014):
 The scratches are not conclusive, but very suggestive. They shouldn't be there in the first place.
Open your eyes and see if you find something else.
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female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (25 April 2014):
 When I discovered my ex was cheating, it was not because of hard evidence. It was a feeling. I woke up one morning with the thought that he is cheating. I called him and set a trap. I asked him who was that woman he was with. I lied and said that my friend had seen him out with another woman. He fell for it and tried to explain himself away. After that I started noticing the usual stuff. He would not leave his cell phone unattended, he suddenly had to work a lot of overtime, and our sex life took a nose dive.
Look for these signs and other changes in his behaviour, but most of all trust that gut feeling.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2014): It was a "she-demon" and to you she's invisible. Therefore, she is a ghost as well. The scratches may not be hard evidence, but more circumstantial. If you didn't catch him in the act, or cannot prove how they got there. You can only speculate; and say they are highly suspicious.
You have the right to consider that sufficient evidence of cheating; as far as you're concerned. The insult to your intelligence is the part that would totally piss me off!
In my life-time; I have actually caught my partner just as the act was about to happen. There was no way to say "it wasn't what is seemed." Had that come out of his mouth; I can image two naked bodies falling three stories down, out the window of an apartment building.
He was an attorney by profession! He of all people, knew if I see it with my own eyes; there is no way to create any shadow of a doubt! Two people, in one bed with no clothes on, and visibly sexually-aroused couldn't be more compelling as evidence! A one-eyed idiot with his hand's tied behind his back; could testify with certainty they were about to have sex!
My perfect timing saved my relationship! There was no prior affair; but there might have been one, had they gone through with their plan. We were all introduced at the same time; so they had never met prior to a party we attended. They made arrangements thinking I was going to a concert with a friend. The entertainer called-off the concert. So I got home early. Not too soon!
There no other apparent issues in our relationship at that time. Just too horny people who got the hots for each other at a party. At least one was in a committed-relationship. He got busted on the spot.
That was many years ago, and looking back on it. The surprise in their faces, and the stupid position they were in is comical. Not at the time, mind you! It would have been a great scene in a comedy movie. Not from my standpoint as the one and only eye-witness! There were no camera-phones at that time. Lucky for him. Regardless, he couldn't lie his way out of it. My vision is 20/20!
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