A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This is the first time I've ever posted on any site like this but I really don't know what to do and need some advice from impartial observers! This story revolves around a girl I met at university 4 years ago. We were in a few of the same classes together and we really hit it off, we became quite close as friends. We'd meet up to go to lectures together, go for coffees, that kind of thing. She even shared with me some very personal family problems that she since said she couldn't speak to anyone else about. I really, really liked this girl but we never actually dated or anything. Firstly I never told her I liked her as I didn't think she was actually interested in me in that way, it wouldn't have changed anything as she was with someone and she's very faithful in that respect.Anyway weeks passed and nothing really changed. Then one day she said she was leaving university as she didn't feel the course was right for her; she wanted to pursue a career and start earning. I was devastated but I still didn't say anything to her about my feelings. I completed the final 2 years of my degree and came out with a respectable result, she'd get in touch every so often to say hi. I guess I was kind of short with her - hearing from her just reminded me of the opportunity to tell her how I felt that I never took. Fast forward to December last year and I get a facebook message from her asking how I am and basically saying that she liked me back at uni and she still likes me now but isn't sure what she can do about it (we live 3 hours apart). I was stunned and delighted. I really liked this girl and I told her so. Over the proceeding few months we got to know each other a lot more. We exchanged facebook messages, texts, emails, then we began speaking on the phone. We clicked like I never have with anybody before. We had amazing phone conversations, sometimes fun, sometimes deep and intimate, but always amazing. Many of these conversations lasted 3 hours or more. On valentines day we spoke for hours, it was incredible. She told me she could be totally herself with me, she didn't have to put anything on, she felt happy when she thought of me, like nothing else mattered. I told her I felt I could fall for her, she said she had a realisation one day and felt the same way. We shared everything with each other. We talked about meeting, she told me how she imagined our first weekend together would be. It sounded romantic and amazing. This is where the story turns bad. I've had a problem with cannabis for a good few years now. I smoked it every day. It became a way for me to forget my problems but it's made me into an anxious, lazy, paranoid, unambitious person. I've felt the need to quit for a long time but recently I really WANTED to quit rather than just felt the need, so I did. My ladyfriend was supportive of me as much as she could be from a distance, we carried on talking as we had been as much as possible. Then one night I had a relapse, I smoked. The next day I woke up feeling awful, I had a nightmare the night before which basically involved her rejecting me. I was crying uncontrollably, I'd never ever felt so low in my life. Not just because I'd caved in, but also conversly because of the withdrawl from the weed. I'd also been ill for a while also with the flu and felt tired and generally pretty bad. My ladyfriend had just started a new job and was a few days in. I tried to get in touch with her one day. I needed to speak to her because it seemed to me only she could make me feel better, I got no answer. I tried again and got no answer. I waited until she finished work to see if I could speak to her and got no answer, I texted her and got no answer, her phone seemed to be switched off. It really freaked me out that she wasn't answering or getting back to me. I basically had what I think was a day long panic attack, I really needed to speak to her but I couldn't. I was crying uncontrollably, and I kept phoning her every 5 minutes with no luck. I even started thinking she'd blocked my number. I texted her saying I really needed to talk to her, to hear her voice. I must have tried to call her at least 30 times. I'd never ever felt like that before, I don't want to ever feel that way again it was truly horrendous. As I was going to bed I got an email from her. Of course there was a reasonable explanation to why she wasn't responding. I guess I knew this in the back of my mind but it still couldn't stop me worrying about what was happening, I was out of control with worry. She said that what happened freaked her out. She said she was scared about how deep my paranoia issues where, that she wasn't used to this and didn't know how to deal with it. She said it's not what she wanted from somebody... I don't know I guess I thought she might be a bit more supportive and understanding; she once told me that she had some suicidal thoughts during a particularly bad patch in her life, but since then she's come back from that and is a really positive, upbeat person. It seems I've scared her off. Since then I've desperately tried to show her that I'm serious about sorting my issues out, for me not her. I've stopped smoking altogether (4 days now since the relapse). It's tough but getting easier. It's an emotional rollercoaster to be honest and I wake up most days feeling quite down. I'm pretty sure that most of the those feelings are because of whats happened with her. I wish so much that this hadn't happened because I know we'd still be talking now. She has been supportive of me quitting and has shown encouragement since what happened but it seems her tone with me has changed. We haven't spoken on the phone since it happened. Sometimes I think she talks to me now like I'm a different person. I've asked her about it and she said she doesn't think I'm a different person but she needs "distance". I asked her if she'd given up on me, she said no but told me not to worry about about what she was thinking and concentrate on myself. She said she'd seen a pretty scary side of me and didn't know what to do about it other than say I should get it sorted. What does all this mean? I really really wish it hadn't happened, nothing like that has ever happened to me before. I guess it's just a result of years of abusing my body and feeling bad about myself. I just wish she hadn't seen any of it. Now it seems that I've ruined the best thing that's happened to me in years, I've never really been in a lot of relationships. I tend to get involved with people I really like and not bother with the rest of it. It feels right now that my chance with her has gone forever. Right now I don't know what to do, I genuinely feel that she could be the one, that what we could have would be like nothing I've ever experienced before. How do I convince her of that? I know she still likes me but she's not responded to a couple of texts I sent yesterday. I keep checking my phone every 10 minutes or so hoping that she's got in touch. Of course she hasn't and my heart sinks every time I check and nothings changed. I've told myself to just leave her alone for a few days and give her some space, but it's taking all of my will not to try and get in touch.Thankyou if you've continued reading this long, I guess I have a few questions...What do I do? Have I totally scared her off? I know that anxiety and lack of confidence are not attractive to a woman. What can I do to show her I'm not as obsessive and paranoid as she thinks I am? I know she has strong feelings for me, feelings like that don't just die over a few days do they? Any advice you guys have would be really appreciated.
View related questions:
confidence, drugs, facebook, text, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (23 February 2009):
 That's great! Hope things go ok! X
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Kelly for taking the time to read all that and to respond, I am really grateful for that. It made me feel better...
Quick update, she text me last night to see how I was and how things were going. She said she'd been really busy and not ignoring me :-) She's going to email me later, not sure what about - I just hope we can get back to where we were before.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Kelly for taking the time to read all that and to respond, I am really grateful for that. It made me feel better...Quick update, she text me last night to see how I was and how things were going. She said she'd been really busy and not ignoring me :-) She's going to email me later, not sure what about - I just hope we can get back to where we were before.
...............................
A
female
reader, kellyxxx +, writes (22 February 2009):
Her feelings won't have just disappeared, its just that she may be concerned about you and may be trying to teach you a lesson of not to do it again! Leave her for a few days, keep occupied and then call her, if she doesn't answer then email her with excactly how you feel. I'm sure things will work out in the end. X
...............................
|
