A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Back in 2000 I was a senior in college and met a man from a developing country, 7 years older than me. We fell intensely in love with each other, in a way I've never even remotely felt with anyone else. The relationship had so much of what I was looking for - passion, fun, romance, same values, similar interests, emotional and intellectual compatibility. After six months, however, I'd noticed some problematic behaviors (distractibility, temper, impulsiveness, inability to hold a job, victim complex, paranoia). I broke it off and took an extended trip to move on. When I got back, we met as friends but he persuaded me to try to work out our issues. Part of the problem was he was an illegal immigrant, which made his lifestyle extremely stressful and chaotic, and that impacted him and thus our relationship. I helped him by pointing him toward self-help books, finding him a counsellor, even getting him herbal antidepressants. Things were slow to change, but since some progress was happening we came to an agreement: I would pursue the dreams I'd had for working abroad in my early 20s; we kept the relationship but promised each other to be honest if we decided either of us wanted to see other people. I ended the relationship several times but various crises or other issues pulled me back in, often as a friend at first. It got harder and harder to break it off even as things seemed to deteriorate and our emotional intimacy started to suffer. At that point I started researching mental conditions and found his behavior and history fit that of an adult with ADD, and his depression, anger, weird social skills and other things were less likely cultural and more likely his terrible coping skills from growing up in a culture that just writes mental issues off as "craziness" (a charge leveled against him by his peers growing up). I tried to be understanding and supportive, but after 4 years of limbo we had a terrible fight in which he was verbally and emotionally abusive. He also threatened to kill himself if I left him. I couldn't take the pressure anymore, so I ended the relationship and moved across the country to go to grad school.A year later we arranged to meet on my visit home, as friends, but the same passion was still there. He seemed to have matured. We concluded that if a year apart hadn't killed our feelings, we had to try the alternative - get married. We did so secretly because we wanted to be able to present a solid couple to my parents (I'd never had a secret before in my life). We agreed that once married, he would get a job, medical insurance, and then counseling and medication for his mental issues. We tried to adjust his status, but the government put him in deportation proceedings intead. Rather than getting a work permit in 6 weeks like he should have, we had to wait two years, and in the meantime I was supporting both of us working three jobs and doing doctoral studies full time. His depression came back since all he could do was sit at home and wait for the other shoe to drop. He was put in immigration detention and I had to go to court and bail him out. I took care of all the paperwork because he "couldn't handle it." The kicker is, when he was in prison, I accidentally discovered that in the second year of our relationship when I'd been traveling, he started seeing another woman and kept it going off and on for four years with her (whenever I was out of the area), including calling her up to have two weeks of sex *after we were married* but before he moved to join me where I was studying (he later explained it was for closure because he felt bad for what he'd done to her - she and I spoke later and she explained she'd thought I was only his ex, but he would come to her saying how much he missed me, and sought comfort over me in her arms!!) I could have just let him be deported, but I told myself it was in the past, and we still hadn't had a chance to solve the root cause by getting him the meds and counseling he needs because he hadn't gotten the work permit.Now he has his green card. I'm overseas for almost a year doing research. He and I have come a long way in communication and he is making a genuine effort to change his bad habits (and succeeding). Our emotional intimacy is still rocky, but we still love each other. Yet I told him I wanted to call it off when I left the States because I felt like I had lost so much time and the change was too slow. He supported that decision because he wants me to be happy and knows he still can't afford the counseling or meds due to his cheapo entry level job. Here's the question: Is this an absolute write-off? Now that he has the green card, should I be thinking about taking back my decision and giving us a chance? We're both exhausted but we still love each other. I truly believe he needs those meds and counseling and he agrees. What is the best solution for this mess?
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cheap, emotionally abusive, his ex, in jail, move on Reply to this Question
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (22 July 2008):
 Wow, if the was an olympic category "finding excuses" you would win gold, silver and bronze.
Why do I get the feeling you are a bit of bleeding heart? That on the whole you think criminals are just victims of society?
Some of the excuses you found for his behavior may be genuine, but the complete picture (and if I guessed your type right, this isn't the complete picture) just has to many things that you need to find excuses for. Depression, sure that can lead to not wanting to do paperwork and being deported is very depressing. If the girl you love goes away, you might well find comfort with another woman. But keeping another woman for four years whenever you are not around... well that isn't easily excused.
The biggest killer is the amount of time he had this second woman (and you only know of this one) for FOUR years, half the time of your relationship INCLUDING after you were married.
I am also a bit worried about your diagnosis of him. ADD? While a diagnoses by someone with a romantic intrest is always to be suspect most puzzling is that you wrote ADD. It is ADHD. The term was changed well over a decade ago. Just how much research did you do not to know this? Has he ever been diagnosed by a proffesional?
I get the image that a girl fell in love with a dark and mysterious stranger and decided to launch operartion 'rescue boyfriend from himself'.
I could easily be wrong and this is just a 'romance of the century to crazy for tv' story but that is not my impression, other posters seem to disagree. Maybe I am just to old and bitter.
If you can honestly say that you did NOT try to skulpt him into a perfect boyfriend and wanted to save this poor illegal immigrant and that HE was not just using you for sex, money and american citizenship then giving up now seems silly.
But if you don't give up you two got to really work at this, and guess what, that means YOU have to be there WITH HIM and can't go off on trips whenever it pleases you. That is also a bit of an oddity in this relationship. Very convenient you found a demanding high maintenance boyfriend who nonetheless didn't manage to stop you from doing exactly what you wanted. What 'normal' husband would allow his new bride to go abroad for a year?
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (22 July 2008):
Well it seems that you've gone through a lot of heart ache but you've also been through grad school and got on a decent PHD course.
Things are on the up now so why jump ship now? If you were going to do that you could and possibly should have done it a long time ago.
You've come this far, you should see it through.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): you sound quite committed to all this, why dont u give it a go but put a time limti on it maybe 3 months ?
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A
female
reader, babewithbrains +, writes (22 July 2008):
 Look, Lady, YOU obviously want to make this happen - even when he lied and cheated on you and you bailed him out and sorted his life out for him - you kept it up, most people would have drop the poor bugger and left him to rot. :]
I admire your determination but not your taste!
#
Jelly
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