A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've worked for 23 years and recently laid off my wife hardly wants to have sex and leaves 45 minutes early to work..she eventually said, she will break down to someone because she keeping everything inside. We are having hard time finaully. Is talking to someone. Is she just down?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 July 2008):
 I've heard that sometimes when men retire, and spend all their time at home, they can start to drive their wives crazy. (And quite possibly vice versa, I'm not trying to be sexist here.) I know it's a lay off, not retirement, but it is essentially resulting in the fact that you are there all the time.
So what happens is something like this. The phone rings, it's for your wife, you ask every single time, 'who is it?' You suddenly are more aware of her daily routine and start to make comments that are meant to be helpful, but are construed as being controlling and are unwelcome. She's managed without you all this time, thank you and doesn't need your input to get through life.
It may be that she needs the space that you two had when you were working, and since that has shrunk to virtually zero now, she's creating it by leaving early. If she were getting home late all the time, I might really be suspicious, but leaving early? She may just need some quiet time to herself.
I expect that being laid off has been a huge blow to you and can't be easy to take. You're probably feeling really badly about things and yourself? Are you actively looking for work now?
The lack of sexual interest, is she getting near menopause? There may be some medical reason for her too. So combine all these stressors and she may just feel like life isn't very good, she doesn't feel good about herself, she's feeling pressured to bring home the income, you're around all the time, and life isn't what it was.
Time to support each other, talk calmly and lovingly about all the things that are going on. Listen, share your feelings, avoid the use of the words, 'you make me feel x when you do y.' Instead, 'I'm feeling x.'
When she does share what her feelings are, do you listen and are you supportive? Or do you challenge what her feelings are and it escalates to a fight? Have you been able to communicate well in the past?
When you said you're having a hard time "finaully" did you mean "financially"?
She may feel the burden of being the breadwinner and is having a hard time with this. I know, it's not fair that you're not responsible for being laid off, but remember that she is new to this role, and it may be a huge worry for her. Then if you two aren't communicating well, and she feels so stressed, she may just not want to have sex because she isn't feeling loved and appreciated, just as a man might be in the same situation.
Talk to her. Lovingly, calmly, with the best listening skill you have, learn some if you can. There are probably plenty of websites out there that could help you with this.
It may be time to try some couples counseling, too.
I hope this gives you some help. It would also be useful to the other aunts here to have more details. So please follow up if you can.
Take care.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2008): Women typically aren't attracted to a man that doesn't earn an income..When my ex boyfriend would get laid off (which was often) I was so turned off by the fact that I was working & he was just sitting around the house all day, that I wouldn't let him touch me. men are supposed to be the 'hunters' and women the 'gatherers'. This is the way I see it, & possibly what your wife is thinking too.
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A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (22 July 2008):
 I think there's something wrong. The house is supposed to be a place where you're happy to be in ... you're not supposed to be in a hurry to leave it in the morning.
You're wife may be in need of love. Not sex, love! Learn to speak her love language, often that helps.
To help you out, I highly suggest this book by Gary Chapman called Five love languages.
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