A
female
age
36-40,
*urkeytart
writes:My disclaimer now: you will think I'm immature, you will see discord, drama, mistrust, and more...so please, meet my question where it's at for who we are...thank youI'm 27 he's 28. We met a year ago and he swept me off my feet swearing we will marry and that I was made for him. Right when we were about to start dating exclusively he left his facebook open and i saw messages between him and his best friends girlfriend. i called him out on this clear sign of bad character and he became desperate for a solution and changed his number, deleted fb, and deleted most of his phone book and gave me all his passwords to show me i was all that mattered. Seemingly good to me, i accepted that as a good sign. We moved in after 2 months. Things were good but I found myself having trust issues still and snooping. He caught me snooping and became angry that he gave me all that transparency, and I still tried to find something. Every so often I'd see something I didn't like, like a message that ended with a wink, or flirty tones. He would get mad and started resenting me for " making something out of nothing". A year passes and we are mostly good, but I confronted him about being distant and he blows up out of nowhere saying he can't take all my control anymore and that he feels like he's under a microscope. He said I give him no space. He let this resentment build for months then piggybacked my problem next time I came to the table. I understood and asked for a chance to give him space. He eventually agreed and we stayed together. I let him do his thing and found hobbies of my own. A month later he was distant again, he began looking at porn everyday which was unusual. He deactivated his Facebook, and when I confronted him he said it was for my birthday present he needed a phone number. He sad he didn't plan to keep it and that he'd appreciate me not trying to make him do things on my terms on my time all the time. I said okay. I became desperate and started logging his computer. I found him messaging old flames, and a lot of friends that are girls. His going on a bachelor party in Vegas this weekend and that was my first chance to show him he can still hang with the guys and ill be okay. But the Facebook message was to a girl he used to date saying "when are you gonna be in Vegas again? Since you practically live there lol ;)" and other messages getting girls numbers which he stores in his password protected work phone. As soon as he wasn't as affectionate with me that following night I broke down. I woke him up at 4am bawling. He was extremely mad saying " what the f did info to you? I told you nothing was wrong but you kept pushing at it and creating your own world where im so horrible to you, I can't be busy with work and my personal things for 1 day without you getting emotional for no reason?? I told you a million times I hate it when you wake me up in the middle of night because YOU want to talk. Everything doesn't revolve around you and when you want to talk. I'm not your puppet" his insensitivity made me cry hysterically. This morning I said "I'm sorry maybe I was over emotional but I'm human, and I'm just sensitive to losing you" and he coldly said "it's fine...let me go back to sleep" he looked extremely annoyed, like he hates me and I'm such a waste of time. I feel pathetic and desperate...everyone is telling me he doesn't love me anymore and is just taking the back door out or waiting for me to quit first so he's not the bad guy. But he tells me " nothing I do is enough, I have to say the words you want me to say, I have to flip a switch and be nice when you want me to, now I have to apologize because you cried for no reason? He said why is it okay for you to get over emotional but it's not okay for me to react coldly?" I feel like he has no reserve left, every time we have a scuff he throws his hands up like its so annoying and he has no time for it, but he can ride along when things are good, it just seems I can't even be sad or he'll play the " it's never enough" card and pull away...he's sleeping now and all I want is for him to hug me and say it'll be okay, but instead I feel I've lost him. I know the snooping is very wrong but I feel it's information that I need...like he's planting all these seeds everywhere because he doesn't value what we are trying to save anymore...I don't know how to confront that, or if I should wait that out...
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): I'm sorry, but you come on looking for answers then back peddle our way out..
He a womaniser, asking another girl if she in Vegas isn't dancing a line, it's drawing a line between you and him.. It's stating look I have no respect for you because I can get ms x in my bed. This is going to end in tears and I'm sorry to say they shall be all yours.
Bonds irk gave excellent advice, for your own self worth move out, date him if you love him, don't sleep with him but find out about each other . Focus on you.. Find hobbies good job, friends that will keep you in good stead...
Let him woe you, but don't stay with him..
If I had been you and I'm not insecure by any means I would have felt the same way, to snoop and find out things..and believe me once that behaviour starts and he's the catalyst here, his fault.. Sorry.. This is a no win game.
As janniepeg said no man wold dream about putting you through this..
Move out , move on.. Love is blind but believe me the rose coloured glasses will fall off..
A
female
reader, Turkeytart +, writes (8 October 2012):
Turkeytart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're 100% right Bond girl. I'm extremely thankful for your answer, it's exactly as realistic as I hoped for. The only thing is, as you probably guessed, I'm not going to give up or leave him. We just had a good confrontation about everything. He said its unfair that I monitor him and question everything and that its pushing him away. He said he loves me and doesn't want to see us destroyed because of my perpetual insecurities. He said he doesn't go snooping through my guy friends, asking which one of them liked me or hit on me etc. he's totally right. I hang a double standard on him and yes, I'm obsessive because I don't have an identity of my own (hobbies, friends, etc) so "mystery" and confidence didnt make the list and of course I'm totally I appealing now. I see what I've done meanwhile I don't dismiss his rebel attitude these days either but I don't in my heart believe hes cheating...perhaps he's dancing the line though because he feels so suffocated..I dunno..but I appreciate the answers and can draw from it what I needed, but I won't be moving out or breaking up just yet. Call it a fools game but i love him and he says the same and we had a very sincere talk. If he's the ultimate trickster then ill figure it out sooner or later. Thank you again, really. I've considered therapy for my serious control issues and insecurities with not knowing every detail of every moment
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (8 October 2012):
 And I am not leaving him completely off the hook. He should have known better by moving in with you after 2 months. Also, if he is no longer interested in you, he should tell you instead of calling other women...however, that is now the situation and you need to figure out how to fix it. I'd start with myself.
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (8 October 2012):
You moved in together after dating for two months. Now you are getting to know him, and you don't like what you see. Being swept off your feet is sometimes like this. You get swept off your feet by Prince Charming and then reality hits at some point. I don't know if your relationship is over, but you took things too fast.
He had you after 2 months, so the chase is over. Now he's moved onto talking to other girls and watching porn. It doesn't sound like he really wanted a live-in lover anyway. He wants to be on his own agenda and does not want to answer to anyone except himself. He told you he feels like he's under a microscope because you are always on his case knit-picking about something whether it is deserved or not.
I am saying this in the most respectful way I know how, but you are needy. You cannot move in with someone after dating for 2 months and then knit-pick him to death and expect him to worship the ground you walk on. When you knit-pick people, they want to avoid you because they know you will constantly be on the attack.
So, what would I do? I would find other living arrangements and work on yourself for awhile before you date any man...current man included. You have to figure out why you act this way. Even your post here is completely obsessive listing every little detail of every little moment. Like he said ...he couldn't be busy with work or anything that he is interested in for one day without you going off the deep-end. So move out and figure out why you act this way.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 October 2012):
 He is up to no good. You can only make excuses for him for so long. His actions are showing you that he's sharing his privacy with you, so stop bugging him because you won't find hard evidence of cheating (despite plenty of suggestions), so just be happy that he is still in the relationship. He is insulting your intelligence, which is a shock to your system and it's making you doubt your own santiy. That is no way to live. He is incapable of empathy and no amount of your love and transform that.
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A
female
reader, Turkeytart +, writes (7 October 2012):
Turkeytart is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your answer. It was a typo, he activated his Facebook so he could get in touch with his designer handbag hookup, but then he left it activated against our agreement and enjoyed messaging girls...seeing if this one girl was gonna be in Vegas the same day as him next weekend, etc...I still believe in us because he's still here...some tell me I should choose my battles better and not invade his privacy so badly because I will always find something if I'm always looking. I still don't get what that statement means because its there for me to find, I didn't make it up. I guess it means you'll over analyze everything you see because you expect to find dirt. I knew everyone would answer saying to dump him and that I can do better but I love him and want to keep trying, I just don't know for sure if he is tryi to hurt me
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (7 October 2012):
He is the immature one. If you are made to feel you are the bad person here he has worked wonders on you. Smily and flirty texts are not acceptable and you were not making something out of nothing. Giving you passwords so you can snoop does not automatically mean he's loyal to you. It only means he's giving you enough to read to be satisfied but still messages don't give you the whole truth. So as long as you don't see messages like "I enjoyed putting my penis into your pussy" then you should be happy with his loyalty? He deactivated his fb as a birthday present? Did I read that right? So the only good things he gives to you is to show that he didn't do bad things? You need to set higher standards for a boyfriend. Break up with him now and never look back. He is not real and he is the kind of man any woman should stay away from. No gentleman would ever dream of putting you in this miserable stage.
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