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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hello everyone I hope you won't be too hard on me. I may have ruined my reputation a little. My sister told me to join a free dating site to sort of distract myself from my boyfriend's absence. So I did and I tried it out even though I was hesitant about it. I put up some photos which were nice and then I started putting up some that were a bit provocative. I had been getting a lot of responses and some of the guys just want casual hookups and some want to date me. But some of the others are making sexual comments which I am not surprised about. Many are asking for my cell number but I exchanged a few and I have block feature on my phone just in case they get out of line. Recently, I saw a guy on there that I dated, we only went out one time and we just remained text buddies cause he never asked me out again. Well I was a little surprised he was on there and I was hoping he wouldn't see me but he found me one day and sent me a message. He said,"I'm shocked why would you put such trashy photos on your profile?" I just said, "You started all of this, you made it clear how you felt about me, you didn't want me. I was hurt and my boyfriend was gone and now he is back." He responded by saying, "Whatever, goodbye" This is a guy who was pursuing me constantly on the site we met on, and then before we even met was he requesting a sexy photo of me. He was always commenting on my body and my looks telling me I was beautiful. He just seemed so bitter towards me and I wonder if he would have left a nicer message if I didn't have those photos up there. He was saying that eventually I would have to learn how to use my camera phone on my cell. I never in my life took photos of myself and sent them to other men until I met him, and it was because I really liked him and wanted to date him. He rejected me over and over but kept saying we're just friends. His comment really hurt me because I felt like he was saying I was trashy. The other guys I talk to on there were saying he was a douche and was just jealous that other guys were looking at my pics and told me I have a great body for someone my age. Did I have the right to defend myself to this guy? Was I right to say what I said to him especially since he kept rejecting me in the past?
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (6 April 2014):
Dear OP,
I don't think this will have long-lasting consequences for your reputation, because neither people from work nor family has seen those pictures. Which means you're lucky only an acquaintance/former date has seen and criticized them as trashy. My advice: Never put sexy pics that show your half-naked body AND your face at the same time. If people you know can identify you half-naked on an online dating site, yep that might harm your reputation.
That said, please, if you're serious about your relationship, delete your whole account and focus on your boyfriend. If you need the gratification from strangers, despite being in a committed relationship, I think it's a little unhealthy for the relationship and unfair to your partner. Online dating can be addictive, but after all, most of the appreciation is quite fake.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Baby Doll x Yes he is that type of person. He was so nice to me but he was a bit controlling from the start. I
probably should have ignored him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2014): Having sex with someone is physical cheating.
You were looking for emotional reassurance - that's emotional cheating.
Though, if you truly didn't know he was "coming back", it gives you a reason, not an excuse.
I understand that you felt lonely and wanted attention, but you should have clarified with your boyfriend where you stood before signing up to a dating site.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Aunt Westie I listed the reasons why I did it in the follow up. And I thought he was gone and wasn't coming back.
So technically I didn't cheat on him. I didn't sleep with anyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2014): So, why did you do all of those things on the dating site? That was cheating on him. Do you want to stay with him? I think couples counselling may be necessary if you do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Aunt Westie, We are not broken up as far as I know. I still love him and told him when he returned. He said he still loves me and wants to marry me someday. He said he was going crazy wondering if I was with someone else or if I went back to my ex-husband so we had a lot to talk about. He is having some issues with his children and he is back to work but doing light stuff. He says he was in some pain but he
hasn't broken up with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): So, are you in a relationship now or have you broken up?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am going to clear it up. My boyfriend was in a bad car accident and was gone for 2 months and I had know idea what happened to him. My original post was "My boyfriend has disappeared and I am worried." I also did a follow up with another post "He disappeared from my life and now he's back." We basically had to get caught up and I told him what I was doing on the new site. He said he doesn't like it but that he understood that I was lonely and didn't know what happened to him. He doesn't want me exchanging photos with other guys or having sexy conversations with them. As for the guy I dated, he said he is a hypocrite because he was the one who coaxed me into giving him photos in the first place. I wouldn't have been doing that because I'm not that kind of person. I already know that the guys online just want sex when they see those kinds of photos. My post is about the way this guy I dated once treated me. I have to admit that I put them up there to see how men would treat me and some of them saw that I was a genuine person. I also lost some weight and wanted to show it off so I got some compliments from personal trainers. I also felt hurt and there was a little revenge in there too. So I although I was surprised to see him on there, I was glad I finally told him off. And by the way I put my regular photoback up but the sexy ones are hidden (private)
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 April 2014):
 Yeah I did not get the absent boyfriend either.
Absent as in... ? Is/was he temporarily away from you for work or vacations?.. then no, you should not have joined a dating site - you have your date !, even if temporarily absent.
Absent,as in not very preset, emotionally detached... Ditto. FIrst you talk, you try to work things out etc., THEN if it does ot work, you break up and join dating sites.
Absent as in... he dropped off the face of earth, went MIA, never told you when and if he was coming back to you ? then yes, you weren't doing aything wrong. Although, you say your BF came back ?... And what does he think about your dating sites activity ?...
As for the guy who scolded your for the provocative pics, I think he basically meant " Look at that, with me you act as if sending me sexy pics was such a no-no and such a big deal,...then you post sexy trashy pics on the net for tons of strangers to see ". Basically he was calling you an hypocrite, and , as much as you may not like that, well, it's understandable that he may see it this way.
I don't see though why you should bother to defend yourself or explain or rebuke him etc. etc. This is a guy whom you went out with ONCE !, he is not even an ex, he is...nobody of consequence for you. Let him think whatever he wants, what do you care ?. ( And, if you do have a bf, stay away from dating sites ).
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (5 April 2014):
 I agree with Cerberus.
Why would a woman with a BF go on dating sites for shits and grins?
One thing though, putting trashy pictures up attracts men who are looking for sex only and yes, you will be JUDGED by others for those pictures. You did for attention, but when yo u got negative attention you didn't like it, what exactly did you expect?
Now that your BF is back, what does he think of all this?
Sending "sexy" photos to men you met online is not exactly a smart thing to do, and well, not really morally sound either SINCE you have a BF. I find it kind of skeevy. I would find it JUST as skeevy if it was a GUY doing it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): I'm a little confused here, OP, your sister told you get back dating to distract you from the absence of your boyfriend?
What does that mean? Do you have a boyfriend or not and why do you think it's okay to be dating again if you do?
To me that's important and will change how I approach answering your question. Because if your boyfriend is away on business or deployed or something and you're going behind his back and dating other guys, then yeah, your reputation will be ruined when it gets around what you're doing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): A little out of hand? I'm not sure many people would see the line if you put up provocative photos up AND give them your number. I'm not saying you shouldn't be able to say no, but you need to make your boundaries clear.You say you "dated", but you actually just "went out once", so I don't think it's as major as "dated".How did he start this? It was never serious, just one date. Wasn't it?I think you should keep provocative photos private because people can take them and use them for anything they want.You told other guys what he said? They'll probably use it as a "pander to her feelings, she'll put out (cyber or real) for us".Ignore the one-date guy. Where's your boyfriend? This could be cheating and I think you should be more concerned with ending your relationship to stay on the site or fixing it to get off the site.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2014): If you put provocative photos on the internet and someone sees them then the likelihood is that someone is going to say it's trashy, it doesn't mean you're a trashy woman and it doesn't mean that you don't have class. But if you're prepared to put photos like that on the internet then don't be shocked when you get someone saying cruel things. He had no right to say what he said, if he has no interest in dating you then he shouldn't be contacting you, but he's probably one of those people that can't keep his opinions to himself. To be honest, doll, I wouldn't get worked up about what he said, he's got his opinions and you've got yours. You know what kind of a woman you are and you don't need to defend yourself or explain your actions to anyone else. Just ignore him and anyone else that says anything about the pictures. You had the right to defend yourself but if I were you, I would have just ignored him. I think my argument of defense would have been a little different to yours but it did the job and you got it out of your system. Don't contact him again, even if he contacts you.
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