A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I would like some advice about my relationship with my boyfriend. Apologies in advance as it's quite complicated.We met 3 years ago at university and dated for a year. But he was an exchange student and had to go back to his country after that year.I was sure he was the one but he broke up with me when he left because he wanted to 'find himself' first and experience the world before committing to a long term relationship. I should point out that I was his first ever girlfriend. He'd had massive self esteem issues since his teenage years because he was always the geek at school and was not exactly the most popular guy. Now with me, he had suddenly found himself with a beautiful and smart girlfriend which massively boosted his confidence. He felt that since he now had the confidence - he wanted to make up for lost years by being single as soon as he went back to his country.So he went back to his country and we stayed friends. We spoke a few times a week initially but after a month we ended up speaking everyday. He was setting up his life there with his new found confidence and I was trying to move on from my end as well. While he was there, he went on several dates but he ALWAYS came back home early to call me and tell me how horribly it went and it just didn't feel right. Consequently, he neveer dated anyone else. Meanwhile, I met and dated - even had no strings attached sex with a couple of guys while me and my ex were in this friendzone. We were always honest and open about what we were getting up to and our bond was still very strong.That was until I met another guy who I thought was relationship material. I told my ex that I loved him and he was a great guy but I couldn't keep in touch with him because I'd met this new guy who I wanted to date exclusively without my ex taking up my emotional space. That's when my ex realised that he still loved me and had never stopped loving me. He wanted to be together again despite the distance. I should point out as well that during this 'friendzone phase' he came to visit me 6 times in 5 months staying for a week or so each time. He called/ texted me every single night with a few exceptions just to ask about my day. He even panicked once and wanted to call the police when I stayed out all night without telling him because he was worried something had happened to me. (He's not controlling before you think that - it was just uncharacteristic of me to disappear of the face of the earth without telling him that I would be unavailable)Basically, he was acting like a boyfriend during the whole break up.So we got back together because I still loved him and his actions said he loved me too. We have been doing long distance for 2 years now and we are both studying.I've just finished my first degree and I'm now applying for Masters programs. It's always been my dream to live in his country since I was 14 so I've applied to study in his country. I have also applied to several Masters in my own country.If I'm honest, the real reason I am actually applying to his country is primarily to build a future with him. It will cost me a lot of money for fees and living expenses but you cannot put a price tag on building a solid future. We talk about getting married all the time - things like where we want to live (he wants to live in my country - he doesn't need a visa, he has dual nationality) children's names, whether to send our children to private school or public school, what age we want to start having kids etc. In my rose tinted glasses opinion we are madly in love with each other and extremely compatible. He acts and speaks like he feels the same way.Now my only concern about studying in his country is because while we've talked about the idea of getting married and who we are going to invite to the wedding, he hasn't ever concretely said when he will be able to get married. Eg at age 27 or when he has a job or something like that. He hasn't been specific about what needs to happen before he wants to marry me.So I spoke to him today, told him my concern as asked him to think about 3 things; 1) Emotionally and mentally, is he HYPOTHETICALLY ready to get engaged to me this very second? Because I'm at that stage and I do not want to study in his country if he is not on the same page.2) When will he ACTUALLY be ready to get engaged? For example in 2 years or when he has a steady job etc. I want a specific goal for us that we both want to get engaged when xyz has happened.3) When will he be ABLE to get married? What does he need for that to happen? Eg. as soon as he's saved up x amount of money.These are the three things I've asked him to think about and get back to me because the decision of where I study depends on that.I have been with him for 3 wonderful years now and he is a man of his word, so I know that he will not tell me what I want to hear if he doesn't mean it.My question to you aunts and uncles is this ; do you think I have pushed him away or put pressure on him by asking him these questions? Have I done the right thing or do I need to relax and just follow my heart? My heart wants to go but my head says to go only if I know that we will get engaged as soon as we've both finished studying because for me we are at a stage where we are jointly building a future together. We're in our mid 20s and we have a couple of years until we finished professional qualifications. We are continuing education to increase salary prospects but if we wanted to, we are already qualified enough to start working and get good jobs but we are both driven to excel professionally.I've asked him to think about it for a couple of weeks and then we will have a face to face discussion when I visit him in a couple of weeks.Any objective advice would be truly appreciated.Thanks!
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broke up, confidence, engaged, got back together, long distance, money, move on, my ex, self esteem, text, university, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): Wiseowl,
Wow, I'm utterly humbled by your reassuring and kind words.
It's amazing how a wiseowl taking a few minutes of their day to offer some clarity can really make a difference in one's life.
Thank you so much!
I wish you well :-)
OP
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): Thanks Fatherly advice for your candid response.
Sorry, I forgot to add. OP here!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2013): You placed all the things on the table that couples should consider, be it a long-distance relationship; or for the partner sitting in the next room. You are a wise and practical woman.Do not second-guess your prudence and strong sense of reality. They will serve you well in your life's journey.Most young people in your position are unrealistic and "pie in the sky." They create imaginary relationships, built on fantasy with no base in reality.They fail to consider all the things that you so eloquently laid out. If you scared him away, it was only because he hasn't figured these things out; or he is now realizing you are no longer kidding around. He's dealing with a woman who has her act together.You are not by any means looking at life through rose-colored glasses. You know when to put them on, and when to take them off. You are well-balanced.You will make some guy a magnificent wife and partner. You know what it takes to maintain a healthy relationship, and you are driven and focused. You have addressed the adult issues we face before considering the next step.I applaud these attributes, and they are precisely the the traits I often advise people to develop and nurture within themselves. Many woman put their better judgment aside. Fearing to show assertiveness, or a good sense of decision-making; may be a hindrance to finding love and having a good relationship. It's how stronger relationships are created. You can't uproot your life, and just move to his country under false pretenses. He has to come clean with his true feelings; which will free you to make other life decisions which may exclude him, if necessary. You have a plan, you have reasoning to support your decisions. Therefore, you are less likely to make a mistake that could be costly emotionally, as well as financially.NO... you have not ruined your relationship!!! You have reinforced your position and asserted your intentions. You have given him the option to sh_t or get off the pot. You need to know; so you are able to move on with your life and proceed with your well-set plans.If more people who have long-distance relationships used your foresight and intuition; they would better the odds their LDR relationships would work out.If things don't work out with him, it will not be your fault. You provided food for thought and considered the things all people should consider before marriage or considering marriage.Your parents must be beaming with pride having a daughter like you! They can pat themselves on the back for a job well-done. You can rest assured, he will take you seriously and he will let you know his position and where he stands. You can then build your future on a solid foundation; because you both started out together knowing exactly what you're doing.Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (11 June 2013):
 You will know when he answers. If he is everything you think he is he will be ready. If he says he is still finding himself then he is not going to settle. My take on your story is that he has a lot of resentment built up. He wants you tied down and himself free. The only reason he isn't free is because he has tied himself. He is not confident enough to free himself.
FA
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