A
male
age
36-40,
*enQ
writes:This is about as complicated as it gets, so I'll try to be as clear as possible - apologies for the length and the spelling/grammar errors below. The story goes:Back when I was 15, I met a girl in my home town. We fell in love, and started dating. Even at 15, we were in love. After about 10 months or so, we started arguing, and things got pretty bad. Eventually it ended, just before we made it to a year.Being so young, and petty, we both held our grudges, and hated each other. I told myself it was puppy love, and moved on. 3 years later, by chance, we end up coming into contact. (My current girlfriend's Ex boyfriend was going out with her) - we ended up speaking a few times across the net, and realised how well we got on.We started talking a lot, leaving messages for one another and talking on the phone every week or two. We never had the chance to meet in person, as we'd both moved on to university, and now lived quite far apart.About a year on, out of the blue, she mentions that, by chance, she'd be visiting the town I now live in for about a week, and that it'd be great to see each other.We were both a little nervous about meeting up, but from the moment we met, we realised that the feelings we used to have still lingered. The hate, the resentment, the bitterness had all faded over the years but the love, the friendship and the attraction to one another hadn't.As we were both single at the time, we ended up hooking up, and she stayed with me for 3 days. In the time we are together, everything worked like we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We would go out holding hands, or sit in and watch a film, cuddled up together. I held her while she fell asleep. It felt just like it had before, except we were older, and much more mature people. The same people, but different.When the time came for her to go home, there was no hard feelings. We both agreed it was a bit of fun, and we were just friends, reliving the past, and everything was fine.But - in the back of my head, I knew I still had feelings for her, and I wanted to act on them, but I also knew it was stupid, that it wouldn't work. I'm studying here, she has her own course at a uni over 300 miles away. We're both passionate about what we do and where we do it, so either of us moving would never happen. So I said nothing.Of course, at her uni, she meets "the one". She and him are very happy, and have been together for ~2 years. We still messaged each other, talked occasionally, as we always had, until one night on the phone, a couple of months ago, she asked me if I still had feeling for her.I told her the truth - "I do still love you, in a way. You know I loved you, back when we were kids, and a feeling that strong doesn't really go away. All the hate and resentment I once had has long gone and all that's left is the love thats always been there."I told her the truth, that I didn't just love her as a friend. She told me she felt the same way too, and that she was so happy and so comfortable when she was with me. To make matters worse, she told me that she knows in her heart that if she didn't have her boyfriend, she'd want to be with me again, and that us together would be a great relationship - perhaps even better than the one she's in right now.Every time I've spoken to her since she told me this, part of me secretly wanted things to end with her and him - I wasn't going as far as to wishing it would happen, but if it did, I certainly wouldn't have been unhappy.But, at the end of the day, she has him, and is happy with him. I've had girlfriends here and there, but none have really lasted, and it's never been anything like she has now.I was home from university over this easter, at the same time she was up to see her family, and we agreed to meet up. The last time I had seen her was the few days we'd shared together 2 years ago.As excited as I was, I knew she wasn't single, and knew nothing would happen. The time we spent together felt very strange. We both spoke about it at the time too, commented on how it was so odd to be together, and to not be holding hands, or cuddling up to watch a film. When I gave her a hug to say hello, or goodbye, that it wasn't with a kiss. We both felt odd being 'just friends'.But,While I was with her, she said some things I've not been able to get out my head. She commented that I'd put on a little weight over the two years (I am by no means overweight - I just recently have had to stop playing sports due to a serious leg injury, and haven't been training or competing for around 4 months), and she made a comment on how I dressed.I've worn the same style of clothing since I was a teenager - and being in my 20s, and a student, I see no need to change how I look. I don't like tight or skinny fit clothing, as my build is suited broad, with big shoulders and strong, muscley legs. I either wear loose fit jeans, or, more often than not, cargo shorts, with a loose T or a hooded sweatshirt. I love baggy clothes, and skate shoes, as I find them to be really comfortable.Both these comments seemed a little out of place, and made me look at myself in a negative way, which I never really have before. I would be happy to let the comments pass, but it all built up.She later went on to say somthing which hurt the most. After inviting her into my old (my mother's current) home, and making her something to eat, she commented on the cleanliness of the house ("Your mum could really do with giving this place a good clean - it's a bit of a mess"). Now the kitchen was a little bit dirty, the floor had some food the cats had recently spilled from their bowls, and there was a pile of dishes to be washed, but it was by no means disgusting. Also, my mum works hard for a living, and spends her precious free time away from work out the house - seeing friends or going on walks - and my ex knows that.I came home with these thoughts swimming in my head, and didn't know what to make of it all.About a week later, I had been at a friend's house, and was walking home around 11pm. As it was about an hours walk, I decided to call her for a chat, (as I quite often did walking home) but she didn't answer. This isn't too uncommon, I had a bad habit of calling her when she was asleep. But she would always text or call the next morning.But this night, she text me back about a minute later, saying that she was just getting into bed, and "couldn't be bothered" with a long conversation. It really hurt me to be dismissed like that, as no matter the time of day, if she called, I'd answer, or call back straight away, just to make sure she was okay.All these digs together, combined with everything else, made me come to one conclusion: I'm better without her in my life. She's taking me for a ride, emotionally, and it's not fair.I sent her a message, saying it'd be best if we didn't contact each other anymore, and that I hoped that everything would work out for her.But,I miss her. I miss hearing from her. It's been over two weeks since I sent her the message, and she;s not sent me anything since I told her not to. The temptation to contact her grows each day. As I said - I do love her. As a friend, and a little more on top of that. And we are such good friends - very close, and we shared everything. What I am asking is for your opinions on the whole relationship. Have I making the right decision? Is she just using me to boost her ego? Is there any hope for me and her? Should I contact her? Should I explain the whole thing? Thank you for taking the time to read this, especially if you got this far. I'm so sorry it took a lot of text to explain, and thank you again for being so patient as to read it all. All and any help is greatly appreciated. I really need some honest outsider opinions and advise. Peace and love,BQ
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male
reader, Advice_man  +, writes (11 May 2010):
 I've been in a similar situation once and I would say that yes, you are doing the right thing cutting her off. There's no need being around her, as she cannot give you what you are looking for. You made your point that you have feelings for her so, your intentions are not misinterpreted, you couldn't be more clear. Just let go and if she changes her mind in the future she might come and find you. Until then, there's not much you can do. And trust me cutting her off makes it easier for you to move on. But don't give the message that you have hard feelings, just be cool. Best of luck pall!
A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (11 May 2010):
 Thanks for giving us the whole picture and writing such a clear message to read. Ok,first off let me say that over the years you created an "ideal" picture of that girl. You thought all your past relationships didnt last,so she must be the one.and then she said one things or two,and you dethroned her. Having feelings for you and staying with her boyfriend is unfair.She gives you hope then she makes an excuse not to be with you.Dont worry about her saying things about your weight or the kitchen.Most women would tell you anyway,and your ex feels comfortable with you so she thought she could tell you. However,it is important that she felt so much at ease.Maybe she does see you solely as a friend.The thing is,you will not move on if you dont convince yourself that this girl isnt for you.and about how she didnt answer your text,she only acts tough, cause she has a man. if she was single,she'd do the chasing.
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