A
female
age
51-59,
*la37
writes:Ok, I need some advice to know whether I have made the right choice. If you only have negative things to say, dont bother, I am not here for a bashing, I just want to know if I have done the right thing. I have been married 13 years, and have two children. My marriage has been very difficult as my husband spends many months away from us working the job of his dreams away at sea, and has done so since my second child was 4 months old. My children are only 17 months apart by the way so I was stuck at home for months on end with two babies alot of the time. We have been through some very difficult times, and we seperated last year for a period of about 6 months, but still lived in the same house until we decided what we wanted to do.I became very lonely during my marriage, and became involved with a man who told me he would marry me and loved me, and we really did and do love each other but probably not in a way that makes a family work, we are usually child free when we see each other. We saw each other a couple of times a year and kept in touch over the phone. The distance was hard, and we started to have problems, as he was living like a single man but still constantly asking me to leave my husband for him, and I still had not told my husband about him. My husband and I decided to try again eventually, as myself and the other man had a falling out and lost contact for a while, and it hasnt been easy at all, as I had trouble re connecting with him, and I couldnt get the other man out of my head. We had a fight the other night, and I finally told him about the other man, and that I was unhappy in my marriage. I didnt want to be dishonest anymore.The other man was shocked (as they know each other), and told me he couldnt come to me (he lives in another town about 9 hours away), until he had paid off his house in 18 months to two years time and by then his house price would have risen considerably (of course he said he was doing it all for me). He also said he couldnt leave his kids (mind you, I think he has had them about 3 nights out of this whole year because his ex was off to some bikie thing). I thought if he loved me, he would try harder to be with me, after all, he has asked me to marry him. I told him I couldnt wait for him and I have ended it. I told him I could potentially lose my house and assets because I thought he was ready (he has been wanting me to leave my unhappy marriage for 3 years now). After telling him I didnt think I could wait for him, he still has offered no support apart from coming up for a four day visit, which I said no to. My husband realises now that his job is not more important than his family, and I was willing to leave him for a man who earns three times less than him. He doesnt want to lose his family, but we are seperating for now, and he wants counselling before we ever contemplate getting back together. I really loved this other man, and he said he still loves me and is very depressed with my decision. I also miss him too, but I feel that he is not responsible. His ex wife is an alcoholic by the way, and their 3 kids constantly see her drunk at night times. She is addicted to chat rooms and wont work, and she screams at him when she doesnt get her way. He is very nice to her, I guess she controls him. That is also an excuse he uses, I told him if he moved with me, and she moved south that they would have to pitch in together to get the kids up for the school holidays. He made an excuse for her and said, she cant afford that, so he was going to invest thousands of dollars into an account for her and the kids (he has to pay child support but this amount was twice as much as he has to pay in their whole lifetime). He told me we would have to have them every holiday and pay for everything, because she is a drunk (he wont say that, he just says she has a problem but is a good mum which she isnt)and she cant drive either because she is either hung over or has anxiety attacks in the car. His kids yell and scream just like her, but thats not their fault, its all they know. I just want some support to tell me I have done the right thing, and please dont write anything rude or negative, because thats not what I am looking for. We all have the right to our own feelings and decisions. Oh and for the record, my husband had an affair on me firstly before any of this, but that has also ended and he is prepared to try again.
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affair, alcoholic, chat room, depressed, drunk, ex-wife, his ex, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2009): Grimm Reality, i salute you.You call a spade a spade and you tell people what they need to hear , not what they want to. excuses and justification for this affair is a load of bull. there is a difference bet positive advise and honest advise. in the meanwhile, if you justify your cheating, what really have you learn from your affair if anything? you have two kids for goodness sake. maybe its time to grow up and stop blaming and shifting the blame around. own your actions, and the consequences. you may complain about the hubbys work load but strange how you do not complain about him providing all the material things for you?
A
female
reader, Ala37 +, writes (2 August 2009):
Ala37 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNot steaming or treading water. I read your profile, casually dating and no kids. You have no idea what it is to raise two children basically single handedly while your husband is of all over the world dining out and getting drunk with his hot shot colleagues. I am not making an excuse for my behaviour, and I accept your criticism, it all counts and helps me deal with my problems. Dont worry, I didnt take it personally, just glad you arent my counsellor. Thanks to the people who gave me some positive advice anyway.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (1 August 2009):
 (Sighs.....)
And may I add on top of it you waited until the last sentence of your post to let us know as a small aside that your hubby cheated first. Being you knew how that felt to be a victim, how could you lower yourself to the same level as him? I think I find that the hardest to understand, for any rational thought on your part would most certainly have concluded that cheating back was not the answer
Once again,nothing personal, but please take a full life inventory and ask yourself if the end result of this predicament you find yourself in has been worth it.
Best of luck
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (1 August 2009):
No...I am not perfect, but Ive never been so selfish or callous as to cheat. And don't insult victims by saying it was a mistake. You knew exactly what you were doing but no clue as to what you were risking. Making a wrong lane change is a mistake. Laying down with another man to satisfy your own sexual urges is a conscious decision.
You need to own what you did, because you cant begin to have resolution to your problem without hearing things you need to, as opposed to the purpose of your presentation, which was to draw sympathy for your actions since most likely you cant find a sympathetic ear in the real world.
It was up to YOU to communicate your feelings and to exhaust any and all other options(Marriage Counseling?) to maintain your relationship before you took the cowardly step of cheating. Instead you took the easy route, instead of doing the hard work it takes. Relationswhips are always a work in progress that takes the work of BOTH parties. Cheating says to the world that you don't want to do the work, as your significant other is apparently not worth it.
Had you done that work your post would have never been written.
I have nothing personal against you, but why don't you try being an adult and making adult decisions after thinking about other people involved as opposed to feeling sorry for yourself because of your actions
And no I have NEVER cheated on anyone I have been in a relationship with...NEVER. It is the ultimate betrayal of trust and love. Absolutely, positively NO EXCUSE FOR IT EVER!
I had it happen to me so I have enough self control and common sense not to visit that type of cruelty on someone.
You can be angry all you want, but you know as well as I do that I speak the truth. And tomorrow as I move on to to lend a helping hand to those who actually deserve some sympathy, you will still be steaming at what I just wrote and treading water in your emotional kiddie pool wondering just how you got yourself into this mess.
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A
female
reader, Ala37 +, writes (31 July 2009):
Ala37 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNice one Grimm, I bet your perfect arent you. Never made a mistake in your life, or better still, you wouldnt admit it. People are meant to make mistakes, thats how we learn lessons.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (31 July 2009):
LMAO...."if you only have negative things to say, don't bother".
Your pat on the back for spreading your legs for another man and being selfish is just another post away....keep looking. Im sure another apologist will come along...most likely anonymously, as usual!
ROFLMAO!
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (31 July 2009):
 That's okay. It's kind of funny how life works. We hear about women and their shopping habits. My girls would be in heaven if I dropped them off at the mall with an open credit limit. (Which will never happen) When it comes to relationships, women actually choose spending time with the man, over having money. At the same time, men see themselves as being less if they don't earn enough to satisfy her shopping desires. And because of that, many marriages fall apart.
Take care. I hope everything works out for both of you.
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A
female
reader, Ala37 +, writes (31 July 2009):
Ala37 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, my gut instinct tells me that my life would be a disaster with this other man, but I loved him. I was prepared to take that chance. Now in hindsight, I have probably saved myself a lot of potential failure. He doesn't want his kids because they would be in his way of his goals, but he does love them in his own way. He mentioned bring two of them to live with him when he moved up here (he has never had them since his separation). One is a child and the other a teenager. I have two the same age myself and I started to think twice about it then. I was prepared to have them on holidays but I didn't want to be their mother. He has no idea how much is involved with raising children.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): I think from what you have written you have done the right thing. I think you need an even ground on which to decide whether your marriage can work once and for all. You have both explored happiness to one degree or another outside tha marriage and this has not worked. I know that you have developed deep feelings for this other man but I believe from the things you have written that whilst emotionally you are very attached to him he is not 'right' in that his circumstances and behaviours do not necessarily attract you or offer you more security and his ways of living are at odds with yours and therefore you are not comfortable with making a leap of faith... and it seems neither is he. You have proved to yourself you can love and now the test is whether you can love your husband again. If it does not work with your husband you will part for the right reasons. If you then are meant to be with this other guy, or some other man in the future, that will happen. You have gone with your gut instinct? I can only say that every time that is the right decision in itself.
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A
female
reader, Ala37 +, writes (31 July 2009):
Ala37 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry for the rating thing, I am new to this, I hit the first star then realised how to use it.. I thought it was very helpful. :)
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A
female
reader, Ala37 +, writes (31 July 2009):
Ala37 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for that, yes I have spoken to my husband, and we are talking about seeking individual counselling before relationship counselling. I realise the price that the affair comes at, and thats the reason I ended it, I never asked my husband for forgiveness and was prepared to be on my own as a result. It is him that wants to keep our relationship and family together, but for now we have agreed to remain seperated until we have dealt with our issues.
As for the alcoholic and the other man, he worries about money and owning his home with every breath he takes. He works 7 days a week and has cash jobs on top of his permanent job (he works very hard), and his goal is to own his home (as all of ours are) but he is still young. He puts this above all (including me) and if he takes action against her drinking, then he might end up responsible for the children if she loses them and he wont have achieved his goal. I know, I know, its sounding worse every minute, and I just needed to talk about this, because writing it down makes me let it out.
He actually cried when it was over.. he really did, but still wont change his mind. He thinks that if he doesnt have heaps of money, then I wont be happy when he finally decides to come and be with me.
I gave him a 6 month time frame to be with me when I ended it with my husband, but he wanted 18 months to 2 years, so i said no, I wont wait.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (31 July 2009):
First, the affair(s). You can't use your husband's affair as justification for yours. Each act is a separate choice and neither one of them gives reason for the other.
What you did right was tell your husband and broke it off with this other person. Not trying to make this sound worse, cause it is hard, but I can tell by what this other guy was saying that it was easy for him to be with you, while your husband didn't know, and he could tell you what you wanted to hear. Then the tables turned, your husband knows, and you're in a position to actually take this affair to the next level. Then came the excuses. He wants to play without commitment or obligation.
His kids live with an alcoholic. Is he one too? If not, why are his children living in an unsafe environment? I have children. Two live with me, two do not. The two that do not visit frequently though. If their home was as unsafe as you stated hers is, I'd have 4 kids living with me. Their teens, so let them choose where to live without holding it against them for their choice.
I saw someone post here not long ago who began with a powerful statement, it said "You can't find love inside your marriage if you're looking outside." I'm glad he realizes work and cash isn't everything, and is willing to work though these issues. He's a good man for doing that. Even though you're in this position now, look at what the affair costs. You still have feelings. Depression, confusion, inability or difficulty reconnecting with your husband. So all choices we make come with a price. Emotionally, choosing to have an affair costs you quite a bit.
I'd recommend, if you're going to work this out, he sees a counselor, you see a counselor and both of you see one together. You have marital issues to work through and both of you have separate personal issues as well. And as far as this other guy goes, 4 day weekends is about all you'll get from him. And this large sum of money (he must have a money tree you don't know about) is creating an unrealistic expectation. Huge red flag, because some who do that live their lives the same way, and you may not be able to just seek counseling to overcome the damage that can cause, unless he's planning on selling the house, it can be done. But still, why aren't the kids with him if it's so bad there.
Take care.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2009): I've read through this twice now, and unless I'm missing something I can't figure out what it is that you've done or what choices you've made, so at the moment I can't say whether you've done the right thing!
Could you clarify things a bit so that I can better understand exactly where you're at right now?
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