A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:First of all, I am married to a great guy whom I love very much. We are not a perfect couple but we are still good together. I trust him completely and he does the same with me. Having said this, I am finding myself in a bit of trouble. A few years ago, I reconnected with an old friend on a social media site. We hadn't talked in almost years. The thing is that we were never romantically involved. We met very young in college and he expressed an interest in me but nothing transpired because I really wasn't attracted to him. I found him a bit social awkward but still nice and interesting and we corresponded via mail and phone for a few more years. Eventually, our lives took over and we lost contact. I knew via mutual friends that he had married. After he contacted me, we would talk occasionally, mostly via the media site. Eventually, I did learn via friends that he and his wife were separating . He confirmed it later with me. I was sincerely sorry for him. We did make plans to meet at a reunion and talked for quite a while. It was good to see him. His marriage had its ups and downs but I figured it would be okay.Well, it is not. They are now in the midst of divorce and he credits me for helping him through this emotionally. I am happy to help him but I wonder if I have let it go too far. I have met him a few times for lunch (my husband is aware of both of these meetings). He also wants me to come to his home, just me, to visit him. He texts me almost daily A few months ago, he asked me what kind of relationship I wanted with him.The thing is that I wonder if I should let him go as a friend. I wonder if he is just emotionally down and looking for companionship no matter how misguided it is. I will admit that if I wasn’t married that I would be interested in him. I told him as much but then I didn’t say I was going to do anything about it. I know that I am guilty in my encouragement of this friendship but is he really thinking that I am looking for a life with him? I will not commit infidelity for him.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 April 2013):
 Yep no brainer here... LET HIM GO AS A FRIEND.
you are skating on dangerously thin ice here....
he wants you to come to his home ALONE... what do you think that's about?
He asked you what kind of a relationship you want with him and you LEAD him on with the "if I wasn't married" BS.
he strokes your ego and it's hard to let it go but TRUST ME if you continue down this road with this man your emotional affair will become more and it will be tragic.
AND if you even THINK you can be just friends with him and support him in his "hour of need" think again. clearly you gave him the strength to end a bad marriage but that was because he envisions at bare minimum an affair with you and at best he sees you leaving your hubby for him.
There is no middle ground here. DO NOT play with fire. I would not risk my marriage by remaining friends with him.
IF you feel you must remain friends with him, I would NOT have lunch alone with him. I would not email him regularly or text him regularly.
IF you have a land line in your home have him contact you ONLY on the land line.
DO NOT SEE HIM without your husband present and make a big show of holding hands with your husband and kissing him.
You need to
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013): When he asked you a few months ago what kind of relationship you wanted with him what did you say? I cant help but wonder if you have been misleading him and sending him mixed signals. If you had made it clear that you're not going to have an affair with him nor leave your husband then why is he still acting as if here is a chance you will? Have you been clear? If you have then I can only guess that he must be emotionally unstable in which case you are not responsible for his feelings. You have have to be very blunt with him about exactly where you stand. Ask him if it is clear to him. The thing is that you told him that if it wasn't for your husband you would be interested in dating him. This is a mixed signal. Is it meant to be a compliment to him? Or is it code for "yes there is a chance something can develop between us lets play it by ear" or "yes there is a chance but I want you to take initiative to persuade me." He could easily interpret it as such. I think you might be confused as to what you yourself want as well?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 April 2013):
 YES you should let him go as a friend! I'm glad you are letting your husband know about meeting with the guy, and that's good. But does your husband know that he was interested in you in college?
A very good rule when it comes to having friends of the opposite sex while married is that if either you or he or both of you have ever had feelings that were beyond friendship, they should be disqualified from being eligible as a platonic friend when you're married. Feelings, past and present, even if they weren't yours, make it off-limits.
You're seeing the proof! Have you told your husband that he wants you to go to his house? Have you told your husband he's texting you every day and that he's divorcing his wife? Have you told your husband that he asked you what kind of a relationship you wanted from him??
Even if you don't have feelings for this guy, and his feelings for you make things awkward, he is a danger to your marriage right now. You need to be very open with your husband right now on the unhealthy attachment this guy is trying to form with you, including the invitation to his house alone, his question about what you want from him, and that you intend to put an end to it, as it has gotten out of hand. Your husband will appreciate your honesty and loyalty...he doesn't sound like the overly jealous type, as he was okay with connecting with him for coffee. Your coming clean will affirm his trust in you.
Then, you need to tell this guy that you need to back off from him, as you feel that it's becoming inappropriate, and that in his current situation, it's unwise for you two to continue. The whole "but I feel bad for him" is the reason why many women end up having affairs on their husbands or cheating with married men, and men play that whole "i feel bad for them" to their advantage, as many women are very empathetic.
End the friendship. You're not his therapist or savior, and his divorce is between him and his wife, and you have no business going to his house alone or continuing any sort of friendship where feelings of any sort, his or yours, are a factor.
If you do not end the friendship, you are jeopardizing your marriage, because the next step will be the guy's attempts to become physical with you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013): "A few months ago, he asked me what kind of relationship I wanted with him."
Uh-oh. Too much.
"I will admit that if I wasn’t married that I would be interested in him. I told him as much but then I didn’t say I was going to do anything about it."
Why did you even say that?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_affair
Starting to get very close to that OP don't you think? OP you're in danger of crossing the line here. How would your husband feel if he found out not only is this guy pretty much pursuing you but you also have more than just a friendly interest in him?
OP you're literally one text message away from your husband seeing it to your marriage being fucked.
This guy is going through a major break up OP, who knows what he will do knowing you like him and it's only your pesky husband who is in the way of him having you?
You know exactly what will happen if you go be alone with him at his house too.
Can you not see how close to the edge you are?
Seriously, think back in time to how messed up your head was in your last major break up, that is what you're playing games with OP.
It's time to cut the chord of this "friend" and now. You've already let it get right up to the point of no return, you know what he wants from you, you know how your husband would feel if he knew the true extent of what's going on and it really will only take one more little thing and you can kiss everything goodbye for a guy who really is just rebounding with you.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (2 April 2013):
He is very much misguided and perhaps relying on you too much. You are also right that you have sort of encouraged this as well. I am not sure if he is think you are looking for a life, but perhaps something more along the lines of sex. One on one lunches....singular visits from you...yeah this isn't the stuff you should be hearing. But I must give you credit that you have your head on straight and well, you have been making the right decision thus far. It is really admirable.
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