A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi, Just looking for some advice as to whether my frend meant it when he said we are better as friends.The back round is that we know each other yrs and have been getting closer in recent months as in talking every day. I know he has liked me for years but i never looked at him like that till we kissed one night a few months back and we have been talking every day since . He brought up the convo of whats going on with us as it was just all flirting and texting we also have major sexual attraction. I replied that i would be into starting something with him if he didnt have a gf. So he said that he will sort things, which gave me the impression he was going to end it with her. But before that i took it that we were just close friends. Then he said a week or 2 ago that we r better as friends and he doesnt want to hurt me or the gf....even tho we get on a million times better than they do and i really dont think he is happy with her anyway.When he said we are better as friends i agreed with him as i was never going to try pressure him into dumping gf or make things difficult for him and i truly just want him to be happy even if its not with me... id happily go back to being just friends if that is what he wanted and my feelings for him then started to fade so i knew i cud be just friends. Any way since he said to me that we are better as friends he has been texting me even more and and seems more interested in where im going and when and just seems more interested in general.And trying to meet up with me when im out wit our mutual friends. So could that be a clue that he didnt really mean it when he said were better as friends. Like nothing sexual is happening with us and he knows i would nver do anything sexual wth him while he is still with the gf anyway so he has no reason to still be as attached to me. Or could he have been testing me to see my reaction to see if i actually have feelings for him? Or is he more interested in me now because he thinks im not bothered? which wud make him a player?How should i go about things now wit him? ideally id like him to dump gf and then we cud start seeing each other....but if not thats grand also.And no he is not emotionally cheating on his gf with me just by talking to me as i know some people might say that. Thanks for any replies.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (2 April 2013):
 oh hell yes he's emotionally cheating on his gf with you.
does she know about your conversations... does she know that he said if she wasn't around he'd be with you? WHAT exactly does he tell her about your relationship?
how much does she or does she not know?
if she does not know it all.. then he's lying to her and that's cheating imo.
ANYTHING you can't don't or won't tell your partner is cheating.
Let's reverse this... what if you were his GF and his GF was you and he had the kind of relationship with HER that he has with you... would that bug you as a gf??? (be honest)
the fact that you even had to say he's not emotionally cheating tells me more than you know...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013): The man has a girlfriend. He has told you that you are better off just being friends. Then you say your feelings have faded and you're not much interested. I read many contradictions in your post. I might understand your confusion to some extent. But first a reality check.You said you wish he would leave his girlfriend.Maybe he won't leave his girlfriend and maybe you should keep it just as friends. That means he doesn't have to cheat on his girlfriend, and you will not be the reason. I don't think that is how things will work out. I think you're up to something?You shouldn't want to breakup anyone's relationship. No more than you would want her to hurt anything you have and value. If he was single and uninvolved, he'd be a probable prospect. Now he's just a forbidden fruit.He isn't available. However; if you offer him what he wants he may be obliged to take it, and still not leave his girlfriend. You would be tempted to be friends with benefits, holding on until the day he leaves his girlfriend.It might be a long wait. Is that what you really want? You should be a real friend and keep a decent and respectful distance away from this man's relationship. Don't plot a way to get your "friend" away from his girlfriend. She is the woman who loves and presently has the man you are writing your post about.You should never want any man so bad that you would hurt someone to get him. You really don't want him to lose his attraction to you. I think you know what I mean here. You mentioned the sexual tension. You're pretty much using it.Let him have his girlfriend. You are not compelled to respond to every call or text message. If he cheats on her, he'll cheat on you too. There's a better way to get a man.I hope you find someone nice for yourself, and you let this guy alone. The friendship is only a pretense. You guys have the hots for each other and he is seeing someone. Be a cool lady and let his relationship alone. Put some ice on that sexual tension, and make yourself available for someone else out there that's looking for YOU. Maybe someone you have been putting on the back-burner other than your "friend."Sit and think about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013): Just in case you think I was harsh.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_affair
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2013): "And no he is not emotionally cheating on his gf with me just by talking to me as i know some people might say that."
Oh yeah? So show her all the messages you have been sending each other then and see what she thinks.
Really OP? trying to get a guy to dump his gf for you because you have been getting very flirty and close to the point where he implied he will is the very definition of emotional cheating.
So I'm not going to help you do that, my advice? Enjoy being played, he owns you, what he wants he'll get from you and you see nothing wrong in that.
If he's not emotionally cheating with you then you're free to openly laugh and joke about the whole thing with his girlfriend aren't you? Oh that's right, you wouldn't do that because it is emotional cheating, no matter what soft excuse you try to use.
Oh sure, you don't think you're cheating, yet you don't think he's happy with her, you're oh so much better than her.
OP forgive me, but if you were better than her then why hasn't he taken you up on your offer when you handed yourself to him on a plate? Oh, I guess you're not better than her afterall.
You know what you're doing is wrong, you justify it the exact same as all other cheaters do and he's doing what a guy like him should, slowly wear you down until you agree to be his side pussy. I mean you can justify all this very easily, won't take him too long to get you into bed too.
Sorry OP, you're not going to find many people here willing to help you do this, we want to help people, not help people fuck over others for their own selfish needs.
You don't think you're emotionally cheating, then I guess you wouldn't mind if you had a boyfriend do all this kind of thing behind your back. No, sure you wouldn't. As long as you get what you want.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 April 2013):
 No, he is emotionally cheating on you if you or he or both of you have feelings for each other. How would you feel if you had a boyfriend you loved who was spending a lot of time talking to another woman, and they both had feelings for each other?
Yeah, if you were the girlfriend, you wouldn't think of it as anything other than what it really is: emotional cheating and disloyalty.
Leave the guy alone and stop being friends with him. He has a girlfriend and doesn't want to leave her. He has no business talking with you, and he and you cannot be "just friends" if there are feelings and sexual attraction between you. That's just the way it is. He needs to break up with his girlfriend and do things honorably.
Let me put it to you a better way -- what if your best friend had a boyfriend who spent a lot of time talking to another girl who wants him to dump your best friend and date her instead? What would you think about your best friend's boyfriend constantly spending time with, texting, and talking to the other woman? You'd be beyond pissed and tell your best friend to drop the guy.
If you think you're "just friends", then answer me this -- would you be comfortable having his girlfriend read all of your texts and emails to and from each other? Would your conversations be appropriate if they were in the presence of his girlfriend? If you can't answer "yes" to that question, then you are in an emotional affair, and he is emotionally cheating on his girlfriend.
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