A
female
age
51-59,
*onfussed and hurt
writes:hi, about a month ago, i met someone, both of us are divorced, i was married for over 20 yrs to a man that was really cruel to me, and i been divorced from him for about 3 months, this other man, was also married for 13 yrs to a woman who was cruel to him, he has been divorced for about 5 months, anyway, back to my problem, he has been staying with me about 4 days out of the week, because he works and stays with his parents during that time, because its closer for him to drive, im 41 and hes 49, i have kids, he doesnt, but thats not the issue, i just dont feel he loves me and i just think that hes using me, although we have talked about this and he has reassured me that he isnt using me and that he loves me, he is good to me and my kids, he doesnt hit me or even raise his voice, he has talked to my mother and sisters and told them he was in love with me, and someday down the road he wants to marry me. i was in shock when my sister came to me with this news, i just dont know how to adjust to all of this, he and i have talked about our feelins and he has assured me he loves me and wants to continue the relationship, we go everywhere together, he and my younger son, he buys me things, pays all my bills, and even gives me part of his paycheck. i just dont feel right taking money from him at this time in our realtionship and when i mention that to him, he simply just saids, that he wants to help me, that he was in love with me, he writes me poems, sends me love notes, and parades me around like im a queen, actually all of this attention scares me. i feel that after what i been through with my x husband, that i have trust issues and am scared to get close to this other man, he and i have talked about all of this, and he told me that he wants me to fall in love with him, and trust him. on one hand i feel like i have found my true love, and on the other i feel like a idiot, being that we both are over 40, i feel like any advice would help me, thanks!
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female
reader, Jovial  +, writes (3 September 2008):
 Hi
I simply do not understand where your problem lies……., I think I understand as you having difficulty with accepting the love of the man you are dating as genuine or him loving you too much too soon while you are not ready for something this intense? Please forgive me if my answer missed your point.
Either way I understand your fears, this guy do sound too good to be true. However before finding faults in his love for you or being too afraid to enjoy his love, you need to understand that you were in a marriage of over 20yrs with a cruel man, I take it he was very abusive since you justified the love of the new man as:
“He is good to me and my kids; he doesn’t hit me or even raise his voice”.
I guess after 20yrs finding that there are men out there who can actually treat a woman right really do surprise you since you were used to a cruel one and this totally justifies your fears. After the divorce or during did you try to engage on some therapy to help you cope with your new marital state? If you didn’t I feel its important for you to do that, otherwise you will never be able to trust anyone which means you will end up ruining a good thing because of your unintended insecurities.
Based on this I can say the problem you have is not with this man or his love, the problem lies with your trusting another man too soon; This guy seem to understand where you are coming from since he is also coming from a divorce himself. You need to accept him as he is, he cant help falling inlove with you, so please don’t put terms for him as long as he understand your feelings towards him or fears to commit again. You need to deal with your trust problems first before committing yourself to anyone; maybe 2mths was too soon to start a relationship with someone due to your insecurities. You might need to break this off first and continue on your healing process to avoid hurting him unintentionally offcourse. He seem to be very much focus on making you happy that if you feel suffocated it means you are not ready for this. It hurts to consider the latter but what good will this relationship bring if you are still this scared? Don’t get me wrong, I just want you to be objective enough and to really be honest with how you feel. If you keep asking yourself his motives whenever he does something good to you, the day he put a wrong foot, you will be like “Aha I knew you couldn’t be this genuine” and that my darling will make him feel like you had been setting traps for him so that you can catch him and write him off.
This guy might be the best guy you will ever get, because really it’s very rare to find someone who treats you this good romantically, emotionally and financially as well honestly it’s a rare combination to most women that most women would do anything to get someone this sane; There is nothing wrong with living a little and enjoying being pampered. I guess your experience comes with a lot of bad memories, however don’t let past experience ruin your current and future moments of happiness. Learn to let go not meaning be gullible to take anything because you are afraid to ruin a good thing.
Back on the issue at hand: ……… If his behaviour is bothering you this much and you suspect he might be too good to be true, try and find out if he has some strange behaviour i.e. how he react to situations, apologetic behaviour might mean low self esteem hence treatment of you in order not to loose you, him telling your family he would want to marry you someday without your knowledge;…… background i.e. what exactly happened that lead to the end of his marriage, was it really the cruel wife or he was just too obsessive and suffocated her? This will help you to understand if his intentions are genuine maybe it will also explain this parading you like a queen issue and it will sets your mind at rest. A partner can treat you like royalty and everything, however if you start feeling like his idol on a pedestal that’s where the problem starts because he has moved from love to obsession.
Another scenario can be that he was far from being a good husband hence his wife ending up being the cruel one; now he is just trying to make up for all the mistake, meaning starting over with you. Calmly try asking him exactly what he meant referring to his x-wife as cruel. Get some clarity on that. Let’s hope he will be honest enough and you will also be fair enough to him not to judge him, because digging the past that has nothing to do with you might be really nerve wrecking on your side, so be careful since some things are better not known.
If you feel he is moving too fast for you and you still want to take things more easy, better let him know and tell him you can not just fall inlove with him because he wants you to; Its important that he knows exactly how you feel and your intentions for this relationship. He wants to marry again and you might be the one, if you don’t intend to marry again let him know now, because from a moth it can be a year to a decade with him hoping you will love him, things like this happens when another partner clings to false hope while the other indulge in the comfort.
Good luck
Jovial
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (3 September 2008):
 Hi there,
you certainly do have trust issues. I think most women would be over the moon to have a man so attentive to their needs, yet you still keep asking whether he is genuine. But this is totally understandable in your position, and you should make him aware of this, at least so he knows it has nothing to do with him, its more your state of mind.
Your trust issues could be a serious problem for you and ultimately may ruin the relationship if you let them get out of hand. Having said that, you are only 3 months out of an abusive long term relationship so its no wonder you are having serious doubts about your new love. It takes time to heal and after 3 months you are only beginning to see the light of a new day in your life.
I think baby duck is right, slow things down , dont scare him off, but dont talk about long term commitments and marriage and all that stuff just yet, wait till you have been together for a while before you cross these bridges. For now, enjoy the attention and his kindness you deserve it after being through hell with your ex.
Good luck and all the best.
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