A
female
age
51-59,
*l needs advice
writes:I have been with my boyfriend since last summer, he has been wonderful and supported me during a stress related illness. I have given him lots of support too on many other areas of his life. We have our own homes which I help him with. In the last three months he became odd when I confronted him about emails he was sending to his exes (left himself logged in on my pc) and started to 'have a go' at me for no reason, even swearing at me and calling me the 'c' word which I hate. He even lied to me about a milestone birthday which I quickly arranged to make sure he had a good day. As he was under alot of strain I worked with him on this. Four weeks ago he left my house after being here for 15 mins as I gently explained to him that his dog (i was looking after) nipped my daughter and made a mark. I delivered this news gently as he loves his dog. He then vanished for the rest of the day, calling me late when drunk to tell me his thoughts on me which as you can imagine were not pleasant, then nothing until an apology the next morning. So a week later I log on and receive an email from a lady I do not know telling me that the night he went missing they had slept together that night and other nights, he did not want me he got stuck with me as I was ill and he does not even fancy me. She also called me and filled me in on all the detail, he denied some of this but confirmed that was where he was after drinking too much and taking a pill of some sort. She explained that they had been on and off all year and that he wanted to be with her. She was an ex. After alot of thought and talking I agreed to give him one more chance providing no more exes or new ladies, no swearing at me. On Wednesday he went missing again and went to visit a married ex he needed to take some photo's too. I asked him why he did not think to discuss this first and he sees nothing wrong in this and should not need to ask permission. He would not listen and told me where to go. I have ended our relationship as this feels very wrong on many levels. He has continued to tell me he wants to be with me but I can not move my boundaries any further. Do you think I have done the right thing and how can I get over this.
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female
reader, Al needs advice +, writes (4 October 2009):
Al needs advice is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response and this confirms everything my family and friends have already told me. I deserve much better than this. :-)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2009): I think you did the right thing, it seems pretty clear that he has some committment issues or some other deep seated issues that he keeps going back to all these exes for things...like sex.
Personally, that would have been his third strike. Lying about emails, lying about where he was, calling me the c word and then having to hear about him cheating from the worst possible source the woman he was cheating with. If she wants him, let her have him and then he's her problem.
It is great that he stood by you during a time of illness, but did you ever think that he may have gotten something out of that too, like you being there and not watching what he was up to really, or maybe he lived with you rent free, or something....I don't know the circumstances.
But you don't deserve to be treated like that do you? And it doesn't matter what he thinks or why, his actions speak louder than words.
It is your decision on whether or not you take him back or if you believe he is truly sorry, but by doing so you are sending a message that it is OK to treat you badly. He would need to earn your trust and allow you to ask him any damn question you wanted or to monitor any damn thing he was doing. Does he want to do that, to live up to the task of making you feel how sorry he is for doing you wrong? If you aren't even married to him, how do you think he is going to be if you are? You don't have to stay with this man, you are single and free, so maybe this is your opportunity to stay that way.
I would rather be happy alone, than in a bad relationship, there is nothing lonelier than that.
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