A
female
age
36-40,
*atyjohnstone
writes:Is it something i'm doing wrong?I started dating a man in the army when i was 17. We spent practically every minute together and got on brilliantly. I stood by him and supported him when he went away on operational tours and we were compleatly in love or so i thought. When i was 18 and he was 21 we got married and the year after had a baby which he desperatly wanted we had set our house up and everything was great. Whilst i was on maternity leave and our sone was 5 months old he cheated on me and i found out he had been constantly lieing about all sorts of things since i had met him he said he didnt love me anymore and left, whenever i called him he was abbusive and me feel awful about myself he had no interest in me or my son and for 4 months i heard nothing from him by which time i had gone back to work met someone else etc. He called, said he was sorry and he had made a mistake and would i try again. After a lot of deliberation and for the sake of my son i decided to go back which upset my family but i still chose to be with him. 2 years on we were happily together and at christmas he said he wanted to transfer to another job in the army which meant he could spend more time with us. It meant moving to the other side of the country, leaving my job and my family and giving up everything i had .... supidly i did it. He didnt want me to work so i stayed at home with our 2 year old son i speant all my savings on decporating our new house and settleing in, he wanted a dog so we got one but he spent the whole time yelling at it and hitting it as it didnt do what he wanted it to do which upset my son and myself, he was aggressive towards me and my son and smashed things when he was angry but being so far away made me feel i had no option but put up with it. Then one night he said exactly the same thing he doesnt love me , doesnt weant to be married and doesnt want a child or a dog. He then left taking the dog with him, never said goodbye to our son and i havent seen him since. I was left in the ,middle of no where with no money to go home to my family and he waited till the weekend when my family were away on holiday so they couldnt come and get me. He wont give me any money for our son and is apparently according to his family getting on with his life like he hasnt a care in the world.What have i done wrong??
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female
reader, Variety +, writes (7 June 2007):
 He has to pay you child support legally. So do not worry about him living 'like he hasn't got a care in the world.' Fight for sole custody of your child - especially since he has taken his anger out by hitting your dog - he is a terrible man that should not be allowed near your child. Call your family - they will be there if you need them. Good luck xxx
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2007): Hi Dear
Well, it seems that you choosed the worng man and that you were a little naive... But apart from this, it's not you which is wrong, but him. That is not the way to treat a women! And you really deserve better! So whatever he wants or feels now, he is/was married to you and he is your sons father. So HE HAS TO GIVE YOU MONEY. He has to pay. Go to your social office and tell your story. Look for what ever you can do to make him pay. You can not live and care for your son, without money abd part of "his" money is alos yours. He made you move and stay at home. He made you spend your money on the house and staff. So you make him to pay now! Get help from a social organisation! And apart from that, try to stand on your own feet. Move back to where your family is. Look for a job and a home you can afford. And I hope you will find someone else. Someone better. Someone who deserves you!
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2007): I agree with Melanne's advice, fully. It was disheartening reading your posting--you were married to a man who cheated on you, he lied to you, he was abusive, showed no interest in you and his son and this was the first time. Then after you reconciled he got angry again, he told you he didn't love you and deserted you and his son. And now you are asking...what have you done wrong? Oh my. Your husband is an ass, he is the one who is in the wrong...plain and simple. The only thing you may have done wrong was you loved him in spite of his glaring shortcomings. Your attachment to him, cemented you in a destructive marriage and perhaps you rationalized that you 'loved him' so therefore you tolerated a lot of crap when you shouldn't have. I am sorry you have went through all this.
I'm sure you now fully understand why your family was upset when you went back to him. Sometimes we have to listen to the advisement of those who care. They saw him for waht he 'really was'. This man has become a huge liability in your life. He's not a stable, solid guy and anything he has to offer you from this day forward and in the future, will become useless. Recognize that, firstly.
I know you have been through a lot, hun but now you have to be strong for your child. Through all this bad stuff you have endured, you are still the only person responsible for and capable of making a happy life for you and your child. You get to now decide your life path. Can you wait this out until your family is back from their holiday. But you do need to get in touch with your family. Have them wire you some funds but make sure to have it put in a bank account your husband can't access. Tell them what has happened and that you both want to come home. You need to surround yourself with people who care for and love you both, a lot. In the meantime, deatch your emotions and disconnect. Accept you will never bring him back into your life.
GAin strength and please if this gets too tough for you, see some counsel. Talk to a minister of a church or your family doctor. They are awonderful source of giving you support and referrals in the right direction. All is not lost. You will come through this...stronger and happier. Keep us posted on how you make out and please ...believe that you did nothing wrong..you just loved the wrong man. Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2007): Honey, you did nothing wrong, to be honest I feel pretty bad for the dog who still has to live with him.
He started behaving so badly and treating you badly, but that does not mean that you deserved it.
Surely you will have to get a divorce, and that may force him to give you some money. I don't know what child support laws are where you live, but I think you need to look into them. You may not be able to get any money out of him but it is worth trying.
You will get through this somehow, and you and your son will be safer now that he is gone. If he hit the dog, you could easily have been next.
In your next relationship, keep an eye out for warning signs and don't stay with anyone who cheats or lies etc. My guess is that later when you think about your time with this man you will realize there were some warning signs before you ever married him.
Good luck, I hope things get better for you quickly.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (7 June 2007):
 You haven't done anything wrong from what I read and I truly felt your pain. By all means, contact your family the minute they get home, have them come and pick up you and your son, file for divorce immediately, without hesitation and start building your life again. Your husband will be forced to pay child support and possibly alimony regardless of his wonderful new life, but be on your guard - he has an extremely abusive side and what appears to be some kind of bi-polar disorder so make sure he is not alone with your son because he might kidnap him (to hurt you of course, not because he actually wants to be with his son.) His behavior indicates someone with serious mental issues that will require professional help. It will be painful for you at first, but no worse than you have already endured. You deserve better! Don't wait. I wish you the best.
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A
female
reader, Melanne +, writes (6 June 2007):
 Hi I don't think you've done anything wrong. I think it's your husband that has done wrong. I'm so sorry this has happened to you and I really feel for you. You trusted you're husband and he abused that trust. He left you with your son and a life to mend. He didn't even leave you money so you could go to your parents. That's something he did wrong. I'm so sorry there must be so much hurt and pain that you feel. I really think visiting a counsellor or talking to someone you trust about this would help. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. I think you are a very courageous and wonderful person that you have survived this.
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