A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everybody.My girlfriend broke up with me in early July because she was no longer happy the way the relationship was going.Basically I wasn't doing the things she liked with her. I was not appreciating her. I was taking her for granted.I do love her. I was in a bit of a rough patch.So basically I didn't contact her. While broken up, I would seek advice from one of her girlfriends. We are mutual friends but she is closer with her then I ever was. We went out for 2-3 coffee's together, so basically I can try and win her back. She told me my ex knew that we were having coffee every now and then. She was also telling me that my ex was sleeping with a new guy. I was distraught and began slowly moving on.My ex contacted me a month ago. She said the break-up was a mistake and that she was being selfish. She wants to work at it and take things slow and she loves me.I told her we need to get together and talk. I told her that when me and her friend were hanging out she told me things about her. First of all, my ex didn't know we were having coffee together and she told me her friend told me some interesting tid bits about me and how I was bothering her for a threesome and all these dirty things.Now my ex said she no longer wants to try because there are 2 different stories and she cut me off and her friend off and not talking to either of us.Yesterday was her birthday and I brought her flowers to explain myself and she wouldn't have any of it. She thanked me for them but said the warm and fuzzy feeling has been replaced with distrust.I don't know what to do because I didn't do anything but tell her the truth.Have I blown it or is she just being irrational and emotional and saying things she doesn't really mean?
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (1 December 2010):
This woman is a waste of your time. Seriously.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe thinks something is shady.
I told her that I've been hanging out with her friend whom I've never even spoken to while we were dating for 2 years.
Secondly, her friend told her we haven't been hanging out unless it's with a group, which I told her it isn't true.
She thinks something doesn't seem right. There's 2 different stories and I dunno what to do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): CaringGuy has pretty much nailed it, I reckon.
The behaviour of your ex's "friend" is shameful and distasteful, but could be dealt with.
However, the fact that your ex immediately believed those lies about you - and didn't even given you the opportunity to explain - is far more significant. It's not her who should be making accusations of "distrust", it's you.
I can see echoes of my own ex in your story. Someone who was (is) so self absorbed in their own feelings and emotions that they forget it takes two to compromise in a relationship.
I'm willing to bet that the words: "Basically I wasn't doing the things she liked with her. I was not appreciating her. I was taking her for granted." are based on things she told you, rather than conclusions you drew on your own.
It's hard losing someone you love (care about). It makes it even harder when you initially realise that they weren't the person you thought they were. But it then gets easier when you recognise that you are actually better off without them...
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (1 December 2010):
This seems unlucky, when first read.
But, then again, maybe it's not so unlucky. Look at this. You're with your girlfriend, and for ages she says nothing about any problems. There was no specific communication from her at all. Suddenly, she broke up with you. She didn't try to fix it or anything like that. She just broke up.
So, to try and win her back, you went to her friend, and talked to her about it. This friend told you that your ex knew about the talks, and also said that your ex was sleeping with a new guy. And this hurt you.
Then your ex comes back, and you speak the truth. Suddenly, you dumped again, and it turns out that this friend of hers is a liar, pure and simple. Even now, after you tried to make more amends, she didn't like it.
I don't think you've blown a chance. I think you've had a lucky escape from a nightmare. I think there are two things going on here.
1 - Your ex is a drama queen who wants everything her own way, and rather than communicate, prefers to run away. She never mentioned problems, she just ended it and that was it. Then, she comes back and doesn't like that you've been speaking to her friend and that there are two different stories, so cuts you off again.
2 - At the same time, her friend fancies you. She really does. She went out of her way to lie to you that your ex knew you were talking, and she may well have lied about your ex sleeping with other guys. Then, she lied to your friend about you and claimed you wanted a threesome and such.
I'll tell you, that neither of these girls is worth your time. At all. One wants it all her own way and won't listen or communicate at all. The other is an outright liar. You actually need to get rid of both these girls from your life. You've been treated appallingly by bother women, who have at no point thought about what they've done to you. One broke your heart, the other lied.
Rather than be treated like dirt, please get rid of both of these women and make a fresh start with a woman who is stable and sound of mind.
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