A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am on my girlfriend's account, hence the female part. She has given me permission to write a question here, and has been very supportive in trying to solve this with me. She has even posted a question herself. My girlfriend is 17, and she's a virgin. She has, however, in the past been pushed to perform sexually and has done oral, but not fully. She has also performed hand jobs and her ex boyfriend has seen her naked and they have done mutual masturbation and she has climaxed. She has only one ex boyfriend and she was with him for 3 years. but I still cannot feel completely in love with her for what she has done in the past. Please don't judge me, I am not a narrow minded person, maybe I am just insecure, but we both come from a middle eastern family (although having lived in N.America for 11+ years), I feel as though she has not given herself to me fully. The ex dumped her because she would not have sex with him, but even after they broke up she continued with the mutual masturbation, sleepovers, etc, because he had made her a deal that when she would be ready for sex, they would get back together. But the ex still loved her and she loved him, so although they weren't together "by name", they had strong feelings for one another until her ex left her one day because she wouldn't "give it up" so to say. I truly respect her for this, she is a very strong, beautiful, compassionate woman but I can't look past the fact that she has performed oral and another man has seen her flesh and touched her..it makes me cringe. What is wrong with me? She says that this has always been her worst fear, but I cannot help the way I feel. I don't want to lose her, any help would be appreciated.
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broke up, get back together, hand-job, her ex, insecure, middle eastern, ready for sex Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2010): I used to have your problem.You are suffering from a "cognitive distortion." You have a totally unrealistic belief, typical of all cultures descending from the Platonic tradition, that your sexual partner must be perfectly pure, or they are somehow tainted. This is not fair to either of you. People are sexual. I've had 3 lovers. I wish I had more. My first serious girlfriend performed oral on dozens of guys, and was "pretty sure" that she was a virgin. I had to get over that. And I did. By realizing that I would have fooled around myself in the same situation.Jealousy comes from viewing people as private property. We think we have the right to exclusive access to a mate. You are jealous about a past version of your mate, who no longer exists. The person who exists is with you. But I don't know you. Perhaps you have never fooled around with anybody. Perhaps you are the perfect, chaste virgin that you wish your girlfriend was. In that case, send her over to my place, and find someone who lives up to your standards. Or get over it. If it's a religious issue, I really can't advise you. There's no god, if that helps.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (2 January 2010):
Her past is her past. And she is a virgin, so she's waiting for the right guy. But her past is her past and can't be changed. You are her present and future. You have a choice. Dump her for no real reason other than she has performed oral on another guy before you met her, or work through it and be the most important guy in the world to her. Your choice. But all people come with a past.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (2 January 2010):
 It can be very difficult to get past these things, it's not uncommon for guys to feel how you do.
However, your girlfriend really has had very little previous sexual activity. You need to remind yourself that she is a virgin. Not only that, but she is entitled, as all women are, to a sexual past. People do not exist for our own personal pleasure: each person has their own life and you have to expect them to have lived some of it prior to meeting you.
Importantly, you need to recognise that this is your issue, not hers. Only you are responsible for your reactions to this, and only you can get over it. She can be supportive, but it's not her fault and not her responsibility.
I have answered similar questions to this a lot (plus had the experience myself), so look in my post history and you'll find more about this if you need it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2010): She is trying to be honest with you, that is nice. But there is a limit to how much detail you should ask for and be told.
The only way to keep yourself sane in a relationship is to not question the past and rake it up.
Now, the only thing to do is to let it go, emotionally. If you think about it and dwell on it, it will always stay and hassle you. Push it out of your mind with effort. Share things together like laughter and fun and create memories of the two of you which can take the place of her past in your mind.
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