A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I am from India and I am dealing with huge amount of stress due to a series of events since the last few months. I was in a long distance relationship since three years with the guy whom I married in January. We were not exactly a couple madly in love as the distance had taken its toll specially on me. There were no marriage plans until when on 27th December 2015 he suddenly called up to tell me that his company was transferring him to Prague permanently and he would like to marry me and take me along. He made me quit my job right away and we got married on 12th Jan. I was working with a huge corporate and at a senior position. Our marriage was a confidential and small affair with only our families and few friends as We did not have enough time to plan a proper wedding. On 18th Jan his bosses told him that the transfer is canceled due to some reason. All hell broke loose on me as I lost my job ! I got married in the most unexpected way. My dreams of a beautiful wedding were shattered. To make it worse, my husband had borrowed money to get married as he did not even have enough buy to my wedding ring. I was jobless for three months. We obviously never went for a honeymoon. I still live with my parents as without an official announcement in the society I cannot start living with him. He has now moved to my city and is doing a great job with a big pay packet but it all goes in paying his loans and credit card bills. There is a constant money crunch and We barely go out cos of his financial woes. I have been compromising on each and every little thing right from the start. And I spend very often on our outings. This has started to give me a feeling that I don't need a man anymore. I am now working however at a junior level and I am literally slogging. I am suffering every single day due to this hasty marriage and most importantly it has affected my psyche. I have lost my sex drive. And I know longer feel romantically inclined towards him. We plan on having an official wedding ceremony this December to declare it to the world however he still has no money. I feel suppressed! My friends are having wonderful weddings and honeymoons, While I cannot even expect him to take me for a movie. I don't know what to do and how to deal with him? I have stood by him throughout but I am unable to hold myself together. I have reached my limits. Please help!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (12 June 2016):
Despite what it may seem like with your friends, marriage is not all peaches and berries. What you are experiencing is just a small touch of marriage. There will always be hardships and how you both overcome it will define who you are.
Of course, you need to pick your battles as well. It is as much your fault as his for running into marriage so quickly.
Reality is that there is no such things as financial security. At any moment you can lose your job. Consider this is a fact of life moving forward.
My advice would be to stop watching your friends and the planned wedding. Begin working and talking to your husband about making things better. Try to focus on making some solid foundations for the future you both will be sharing.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 June 2016):
 Well... see the glass half full- if he is already so much in debt for paying for a small intimate wedding , imagine what a disaster for your financial future it would have been paying for the big wedding of your dreams ! It seems a case of being thankful for unanswered prayers .....
Btw, I hate to sound so nosy, but since December is right around the corner , and you say that your financial position is not that good right now... are you sure you can afford a big wedding party ? And that it won't deliver the final blow to your already frail finances ? is it really worth it ?...
I think that in your case you should try and fix things , starting by defying conventions. Go live with your husband. You ARE married- if that's official enough for the whole republic of India !, it will HAVE to be good enough for your society too . I know it's hard, I know it's difficult, I am aware of the weight of traditions in your society and of the social ostracism which often people who do not " follow the rules " face, but hey it's great to respect traditions when they enrich and reinforce your life, not when they impoverish it and weaken it.
You got to be flexible some times- you respect the traditions that you CAN afford, as a society and a single individual... As they know very well in India... otherwise if they had kept all the traditions just because , widows would still be doing suttee nowadays- and luckily they don't.
I am saying this because I have got the feeling that your dismay and frustration are very linked to the sudden money and work setbacks, and to the disappointment of not having had the same as your friends- more than to a change of heart toward a man that after all was not an arranged marriage, and that you did not love passionately perhaps but that you loved enough to be with for 3 long years, and to marry him . You married in haste , Ok, but you DID accept to marry him, and you knew you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with him- with or without fancy ceremony. So you must have found something " marriable " in him- which now is challenged by present circumstances but it is still there.
If you live together at least you see if once you have solved your money difficulties, you are compatible, you get along, and can be reasonably, if not deliriously , happy together . But if you want to quit without even having given it a try... that's impulsive, self centered and , pardon me, a little coward.
You must be an impatient person, because it seems the situation is on the mend . At least he's got a good job with a big pay packet , and if he is prudent with money eventually he'll pay up his loans and bills. ( And if you had no idea that he was already so much in debt- that's on you ! You had 3 years of time to find out his financial status ) . You've got a worse job than before, but at least you are not unemployed. You can always hopefully work your way up in your company, or keep looking for a better paid position, or maybe ask to your old company to consider you as soon as there is an opening.
All in all- not brilliant, but not even such a disaster. If you make an effort to stop obsessing about your friends' fancy weddings... you can give an honest, unprejudiced try to marriage, and to your husband as a person, and see what you feel when you'll live as the married couple which you are already.
If it does not work, then it does not. If you made a big mistake, then you'll admit it. But as of now, you can't know it for sure.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2016): Thus is how many long-distance relationships go. They take a toll on a couple, and desperation may lead to unsound or hasty decisions.
It doesn't make sense that you are planning yet another wedding when you're not even happy being married. What makes even less sense is wanting a wedding you can't afford when you're in financial stress as it is. You can postpone a big wedding until you're financially stable and on your feet.
Many young couples start out struggling financially. You were so sure you loved him you gave up everything you established and accomplished in your life. Now you're not as in-love as you were when you were dating long-distance.
My dear, where is the logic and reason in all this? You are a very intelligent, educated, and articulate woman. I'm not sure whom you are blaming for all this?
If you do not love him, a second wedding makes absolutely no sense. If this stress is affecting your health, you must end it before you become so mentally and physically incapacitated, you are unable to work and care for yourself.
Appearances do not matter, and your culture may frown on divorce; but in this case, it is inevitable. You do not love him, and you say nothing of what he does to make you feel loved. You have uprooted your life, and made too many personal sacrifices for this outcome.
Don't plan a wedding. Plan an annulment. If this is only based on the disappointment of not having a big wedding, I have to wonder how the quality of the marriage itself means less than the ceremony? You must refocus and reset your priorities my dear. If you don't love this man. You given up too much.
If you feel this marriage will not work, end it; and rebuild your life. Do not force yourself into a hell that will destroy you. It will only complicate things even more by bringing children into it. You parents will surely pressure you to have children. The will grow-up watching you live in total unhappiness. This will only cause dysfunction.
On the other hand, if you love each other truly; you must continue to struggle together to build your lives. Life is a struggle. You may win or you may lose; but you become stronger as you overcome and survive every challenge. Together. Disappointment will surely come, but that doesn't always justify ending a marriage. Don't envy or compare your life to others. Appearances are deceiving.
Sometimes you both have to lift each other and support each other, not always you helping him to succeed. Your culture has some old established views on marriage, but India is also quite progressive. Young people your age is the reason.
Cultures change and evolve. You have to do what is best for you, and when you do bring children into your life; you can set a wonderful example for them. You can live out your life in happiness and contentment with the man you love. When challenge and misfortune comes your way, you must be a team, and fit for the challenge. Unless your marriage can work this way, there is no reason for it to continue.
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