A
female
age
30-35,
*osewater09
writes:HiI have been in a realtionship for the 18 months now, at first me an my guy were so in love, best of friends etcetc, but a few months ago it began to go down hill. He suffered a major loss as his grandad died, so i tried to let him no i was there for him but also gave him space to grieve with his family, since this we have not been the same, we aren't as close, he rarely opens up unless he's been drinkin which just leads to violence or agression. he quickly gets annoyed when i try an tlk through things with him, not a week goes by without a row, i've tried everything i can think of, treating him, planning special days, cookin meals, surprising him in the bedroom, the whole lot! but nothing seems to change for longer than 3 days. he seems so distant, he lies about stupid small things in bed it used to be pasionate n loving, now its like he wants it over with, we rarely go places, an i jus dont feel comfortable anymore, i'm always on edge, i feel rele insecure about whwats going on, i find myself questionin every thing i do, incase it makes everything worse.so i'm kinda hoping for some advice :)Thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): I'm nearly fifty years old , had alot of people in my life die, a brother,my father, all my grandparents, many close aunts and uncles and four close friends.If I got drunk and abused my partner each time I would have spent alot of time alone and in jail. as time goes by the death toll in your boy friends life will only get larger. are you willing to be his whipping post for all the emotions he can't handle?
He must get proffessional help. you can only help him by refusing to accept his disfunction.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): Relationships are a two way street. never stay in a relationship that does not fulfill your needs. look at it this way, if you go to a resteraunt and ask for a sandwitch on hole wheat bread and you get a sandwitch on white bread, you send it back because its not what you asked for, now the waiter brings the sanwitch back and its on rye bread, again you send it back it comes back ,this time on a pita, again not what you are here for. what would you do, eat it anyway pay for it and return to the same resturaunt the next day for lunch . Or do you refuse to accept the sandwitch walk out, do not pay for it and never eat there again. Do not compromise your self esteem. it sounds as though your boyfriend has issues with drinking, violence and agression are intolerable in a healthy relationship. If you stay in this situation you will come to have less and less self esteem and as time goes by you will have less and less self worth, your self worth is not built on being needed by someome it is maintained by having the pride to not accept what is unacceptable. At your young age you must be carefull not to accept situations that will lead to you into being an abussed woman for the rest of your life. set firm boundries as to what you need for your own mental health and accept nothing less. Hold your head up be strong be proud, just because you are in a relationship does not mean that now you have no independence, healthy relationships are built on embracing the independence of each person involved, not built on being owned.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (17 January 2010):
 I know this is a stereotype, but the guy should be the one fixing the problems in the relationship. When a woman does too much, the guys feel inferior and not appreciate you. My boyfriend's brother die, and his family has been grieving for 2 weeks now. I just let him deal with the mourning and wait for him to regain his energy. We aren't living together so I don't have to focus on him so much. A woman should just relax and be patient with a man.
The drinking should worry you though. If alcohol is used to numb his feelings, then he would use it whenever he feels down and be violent again.
I see people feeling depressed and get not get up again because they drink. Alcohol really opens up the inner demons in the body. You cannot tell him not to drink. Maybe you could hide his bottles. He needs to feel whatever he needs to feel. You expecting him to be passionate about you would just make things worse.
What you could do now is be happy and do things you like without him. Sometimes to love is to lose control over whether he has feelings for you at the moment.
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reader, truelondoner +, writes (17 January 2010):
 mabey you should try giving him some more space, bcause you can never stop grieving for somebodys loss but you will just have to be patient and wait for him to exsept that his grandfarther has passed over. also remind him that his grandad farher will always be with him and that he would want you boyfriend to be acting this way about his passing over. im sure its nothing againsted you, he is just trying to the deal with the fact that his grand farther died. dont for get all his family are all still grieving too which that puts stress on him too help them get through it.
good luck everything will be okay it just takes time x
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