A
male
age
41-50,
*edsox29
writes:A little backstory first. I've been dating this girl for 1 year and 4 months. Before we started dating we worked together and I was her boss. It began innocent enough, neither showing any interest in each other but over time I developed a huge crush on this girl. So much so that I finally told her. I wasn't worried if she would be interested or not, I was hoping she would be, but my crush was so big that I had to let her know. Well it went well and we began dating. From the beginning I was caught off balance at how guarded she was with her words and saying how she felt but I went on with it anyway. It didn't take me very long before I knew I was in love with her. We had some problems with communication but I was willing to work on it with her and things would improve for a little bit and then they would go back to the way they were before. I've done all that I could to make her feel secure within our relationship and know that I love her. I would send little text messages or leave little notes just to let her know how special she was to me. She's just 24 and graduating from college and I am 29 and going back to school to get a degree in something that I want to do. I know she is stressed and doesn't handle stress very well and she has put on some weight which has lowered her self esteem. Well lately I just felt like there hasn't been much passion in our relationship and I decided to talk to her about it. She said she loves me but doesn't have romantic feelings for me any more because she has never felt so comfortable with a boyfriend before. So now she wants to take a break and I am crushed. She is my best friend and I know that I am hers so having this distance is just killing me. I'm so scared that this is done. I know the relationship isn't exactly what I want, but it is so close to being right. She just needs to let go of her fears and insecurity and know that she can be safe with me. Please help me, I don't know what to do.
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a break, best friend, crush, self esteem, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2009): I don't know that you need to let her go because she has lowered self esteem, one of the best places to find your self esteem is inside a healthy relationship.
I don't really know what your relationship is like or how severe the communication problems are or if this just boils down to incompatibility.
If she asked for a break, I think I would give it to her, give her some space and don't contact her until she contacts you. Let her think that you are not going to just be around when she isn't really committed to the relationship....people value what they have to work hard for and they often want what they can't have, so act as if you don't need her and get on with your day.
The rest is really up to her. You can't convince someone to love you, if the passion seems to be gone, then don't pressure her, the next time you see her try to have some fun. Sometimes all this relationship talk if it is negative it will outweigh the positive interactions and it all just sort of goes down hill.
So try not to worry and just take it a day at a time, but give her the break she asked for...she needs to see what life is like without you and see if she misses you. She just sounds a bit confused or stressed, some people shut down when stressed and you really need to try and not take that personally or read to much into why they are doing that, sometimes it has nothing to do with you or their happiness in the relationship, they just need time on their own to think and recoup.
A
female
reader, paigeme142 +, writes (8 December 2009):
 I am sorry this stinks. I think she is probably just worried you will be upset with the weights she has gained. I had this boyfriend for a really long time and when I started gaining weight I wouldn't even let him hug me. Girl's tend to get really emotional when they pack on the pounds. Just show her you are still and always will be there for her. I don't think she has fallen out of love with you. I think she may just be trying to find a way to be happy with herself before she can have anyone be happy with her.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (8 December 2009):
She needs to find herself before she can have a proper relationship. Her self esteem is low, her confidence is low and she has to face all this alone before she can be in a relationship that will work. I know you want to help her, but she has to do what she has to do, and you need to let her go.
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