A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for several years now, but our sex life has died.During the first year we were together, we quickly fell in love and wanted to be close all the time. Eventually, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend, but it turned into an extremely uncomfortable time for me. I knew the first time would be painful, but was surprised that it hurt just as much when she tried again. Over the next two years, we continued trying.. and I blamed myself and HIM for the pain. I blamed myself for being anxious and obviously seizing up, which caused me to be tight and I blamed him because we never had FULL privacy. We were trying in his parents house, or in mine.. and I thought that must've added to the nerves.I look back now at diary entries I'd written at the time, and I see a direct correlation between THIS period of our relationship and when he shut down from me physically.In those first two years when we tried repeatedly to have pleasurable sex.. it was horrible. We'd both be in the mood to try, we'd have a go.. it would be OK for five minutes and then it would grow very painful. Just as he was getting started, I would start crying. Each time I tried, I wanted things to work.. and I would try and will myself to keep going. I wanted more than ever to feel like a fully functional women.. and continued to feel like a failure each time it didn't work. Eventually, I would have to tell him halfway through to stop. I would cry and feel absolutely deflated, and he would lie with me and hold me while I sobbed. THAT was our sex life. Over the next couple of years, when I tried to initiate closeness between us, he would say, "Can't we just lie together hun?" Or he'd just turn an attempt from me to kiss him into a hug. The INTIMACY died, but the chemistry remained between us, but I think we both just learnt to suppress those natural sexual urges we had. We still deeply loved each other, so we wanted to be together in every other way. Anyways, a year ago, I found out that I actually have an incredibly tight hymenal band that my doctor or gyno hadn't previously picked up. Now I'm scheduled for an operation. The problem is, the lack of physical intimacy between my boyfriend and I has caused our relationship to be sketchy. We've referred to each other as friends for the past couple of years.. I mean, now we don't even kiss. After a difficult period over the past year, I've been trying hard to repair our relationship and increase the intimacy, especially now that I'm going to have an operation to correct the problem. But now when I'm close to him, there's just NOTHING working in the wiring department. He doesn't seem to even get an erection when we're close and kissing. This really hurts me and I feel unattractive, but then I remember back to what happened between us all those years ago.. and he insists that he's not ONLY depressed at the moment (which I know all about), but he remembers back to feeling as if he "raped me" all those times. Do you think it sounds like my problem has caused too much damage to us? Do you think we should just remain friends, even though we still deeply love each other? Or do you think we should seek sex therapy?
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depressed, erection, hymen, in the mood, kissing, lost my virginity, period, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2010): Thanks for the advice everyone.We used to do the 'other stuff', but he lost interest in all of that when the painful sex started happening. It just turned into a real awkward experience for the both of us.. and he stopped initiating any of the other.. and I felt rejected when I did and he didn't respond.. He seemed to lose his sex drive completely. I tried EVERYTHING to revive it.. he would just not get an erection.. it was like too much was going on inside his head and not enough downstairs...When I ask him to give me a picture of how he was feeling all those years ago, he says he would wake up in the night and feel guilty, as if he'd raped me.. and just terrible feelings that he'd done something horribly wrong. I hate the fact the dr never picked up on it. I had put it down to being vaginismus for years.. thinking it was anxiety. Smears have always been excruciatingly painful for me. It could be a bit of both, as of course I'd tense up knowing whatever goes up there is going to hurt.My hymen is so tight that it actually HURT my BF when we tried having sex. His is the only 'one' I've ever seen, so I can't comment as to whether he's huge or not, but I'd say he's average size for a guy in his early 30's. Whatever happens intimately with us now, it usually ends with me feeling rejected and unattractive, while he has been pent up with performance anxiety and feels like a failure.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2010): Most likely your painful experiences have conditioned him not to want to cause you further pain in the pursuit of (partially) his own pleasure and he has stopped wanting to try again if nothing has changed during the time you've been together. His condition is temporary and of course reversible once a solution is found to your painful intercourse. A dose or two of Viagra would probably do the trick.Is it the size of his penis that causes you pain? Does the pain happen with smaller size "things" like fingers, etc? It may well be that your tight hymen is to blame, or it could be vaginismus, in which the muscles in your vagina go into a tight spasm for fear of more pain. In that case intercouse or even the insertion of a finger would cause pain from trying to force those tight muscles open (compare it to stretching out any cramped muscle) and it might not be your hymen to blame. Vaginismus is very different from a tight hymen and is not treated through surgery.You didn't include whether or not you've tried to pleasure each other in other ways, as intercourse is just one of many paths to sexual intimacy and orgasm, and if that has been the beginning and end to your sessions that might also have caused problems, but you can both change that too.I hope your surgery will improve your condition, but be sure your doctor has given you a clear understanding that the surgery is not just a guess at a solution (versus gradual stretching of the hymen, for example) and that it is being done only to address your hymen and is not going to do any nerve or muscle damage. As with all surgery, be sure you know all the risks ahead of time.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (2 May 2010):
 It's not an operation, just an uneventful quick snip. You had blown it out of proportion and had attached too much emotional analysis into this. After a few days of healing (well give yourself a week to be sure) you will be ready to rock and roll and sex won't hurt anymore.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2010): you both sound like really nice people. Yes, if he is a great guy fight for him. If you get married you will hit many , many hard times. If the passion comes back it will only makes you stronger. Ask you doctor what you can do to make sex more comfortable , maybe there is something you can use before hand. Also, try to seduce him without there being the act of intercourse. Maybe some oral sex. He will not be able to reist. I think you can work this out
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (2 May 2010):
 Yes, your problems probably caused this. He cares about you and feels responsible for hurting you. Sex should never hurt and you should have sought help earlier. Much, much earlier. There is a painful disorder that causes muscle spasms that seize your vaginal muscles as tight as they will go upon attempted entry even from a finger sometimes and that is what it sounds like you have. It is psychological, but you cannot overcome it through sheer willpower alone. You have to see a doctor and they will be able to help you. I think it's possible you will be able to salvage your relationship still, but you absolutely need to go get help ASAP. If you two are both willing to work on this, you will eventually be able to have a satisfying sex life. Good luck to the two of you.
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