A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Feeling a little bit confused and disappointed with one my really good friends/FWB guy. He’s a black guy, I’m a white girl. We’ve been really good friends and FWB for the last two years. Absolutely great guy, fantastic sex, we had an awesome friendship. Ever since George Floyd/BLM/protests and everything reallly taking off the last few months where he has 110% thrown himself into supporting (which is fine!) however he’s completely ignored me since. In the lead up to June we obviously weren’t sleeping together because of Covid, but we still messaged and video chat/phone sex all the time. Now it’s silence from his end. His social media since June has become very angry and aggressive against the police/white America, and he’s been publicly thirsting and reposting pictures of black women saying how sexy they are and how he wants to “wife” them etc. I’m not saying this is a bad thing! But I find it odd behaviour for him since his social media has NEVER been this kinda content in the slightest until now. I’m just wondering if he’s stopped contact and he’s now not keen to be associated with me anymore because of my skin colour, and he feels he should only be focussing on other black women? If this is a moronic post - I’m sorry. I just miss him. I feel like I’ve become the enemy somehow. [mod note: poster located in Australia] Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (23 August 2020):
 I used to live in USA, but in the last ten years I only went back once, for a long vacation, and visiting a place is nothing like living there , so I guess that by now I am out of touch with the social and political pulse of the country. Sure at first sight everybody seems to have become more high-strung, more uptight and more aggressive, and every issue more polarized and "loaded".
Nonetheless, it's still hard for me to wrap my head around things like the one you report. It's freaking unbelievable ! Like, this guy had no problems banging you until few months ago, then George Floyd gets killed, and your FWB does not want you anymore ?! how's that ? You have done nothing whatsoever to George Floyd, and, I suppose, to any black person you
may happen to know. If you chose a black person as your lover AND friend, and you define him a fantastic guy- I guess it shows clearly on which side of the racial and social barricade you are . Nevertheless, supposedly now he refuses to have sex with you , and not because he happens to find you sexually unappealing, ,- just because he is " punishing " you for being a white woman, which is not your fault and you can't do anything about ?!
Well, if THIS is not the most abominable, full blown racism, - I don't know what it is that we should call
racism.
Such an extent of extremism reminds me of the talibans. I mean, I guess I could understand someone who chooses to get married and have children within his own community , race and ethnicity. Not very enlightened maybe, not very " woke ", but for such a choice there are many, many cultural, social, historical and political motivations. If you choose to reinforce a community by only breeding within it ,- it sort of makes sense.
But vowing from now on , to only have sex with women of his own race ?.... Then I suppose he is only ever going to have black employers and employees, black neighbours, black doctors and dentists, black teachers for his kids. he will only listen to black singers , watch movies with all black actors, read books by black writers. If he takes a cab the driver must be black , and if he boards a plane the pilot must be black.
A man who reasons this way is a real, total idiot. I know that if you want an FWB you do not screen them for intelligence, .. but a friend yes. You can't have any decent social interaction with this brand of stooopid, so, IF the reason why he ghosted you is really that you are white - good riddance ! be happy you got rid of someone so toxic. Maybe he wasn't so fantastic after all !
Personally, as I said, I have a hard time believing that your race is the reason why he ditched you. I think, more simply, that FWBs are FWBs , the are not made to last. The " friendship " part , when there is, is rather fleeting and superficial, and disappears together with the benefits when one gets satiated with said benefits and is hunkering for something new in bed. IMO, ...he just got tired as FWBs will do, regardless of race.
Then again, I do not discount the opinion of my Dear Cupid colleagues who all seem to think that racial tensions play a role in your story. I trust their opinion not only because they are sensible , experienced people- but also because they ARE in USA right now and have the pulse of the current situation. So, -I guess it is at least possible that the explanation for your FWB's sudden coldness is racial. And if this is the case, I must say that I do not regret I am not living there anymore....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2020): It's not you per se, but it's a racial-issue. He is now drawn to a very serious cause; and I would think he wouldn't want to direct any undue animosity towards you. He's not in a good place right-now.
My parents are of different races. One has a completely different life-experience from the other; when it comes to dealing with racism. They defied a lot of things coming together during a time when interracial-marriage was nearly taboo in parts of the United States. We're talking in the 20th-century!!! Not even recognized in some states as a legal-marriage! The law was changed by a Supreme Court decision as recent as 1967, which deemed anti-miscegenation state laws unconstitutional; while most states legally-recognized interracial-marriages long before that.
Your boyfriend feels compelled to honor his heritage and feels hypocritical by using you sexually; and feels he's also betraying his own race by sleeping with a "perceived" enemy. He doesn't necessarily believe you're the enemy; but it's somewhat imposed upon him to show pride and recognition of his heritage. To acknowledge women of color, and appreciate them. Your inability to understand this may also add to the problem. People are people no matter what the color of their skin is; but here we are, in the 21st-century, still dealing with black and white issues. Systemic and institutionalized racism dating back over 200 years in this country! Please don't pretend to be naive, you're over 25; and there's racism in Australia too! This isn't totally alien to you. No pun intended!
Things come to a head, when something bad never seems to change or to stop. Sudden realization that your particular ethnic-group is consistently on the receiving-end of injustice and discrimination that never seems to end; is a harsh realization that was only highlighted and amplified by the recent incidents dominating the news. Followed by many other cases that recently occurred, or pass events that were covered-up; and no-one was ever prosecuted or held accountable for the deaths of people of color.
My mother is now deceased; but she was 100% Indigenous Native American, Cherokee. There are only three federally recognized Cherokee tribes in the United States. They're few and far between these days. Her ancestors lost all their land, they were forced to live on reservations, not allowed to speak their native tongues, and many tribes were all but eradicated by genocide. Native Americans have been very hard-hit by Covid-19! Locals where my mother grew-up were nasty to the Native Americans trying to shop or find work outside the reservation. That motivated my Native grandfather to start his own businesses, and my uncles to follow suit. He decided he wanted more for his children, in spite of the racism. He got it too! Never hesitating to remind my siblings and I who we are, and what a proud people we've descended from. We were the people occupying this nation when the ships arrived. America was not discovered, it was always populated with indigenous people.
Dad is of Greek heritage, and his grandfather on his mother's side was Moroccan. A dark-complected Greek is often mistaken for Arab or Turkish. Not always appreciated by those of full-heritage and decent. He was born on American soil; but didn't have to deal with the kind of racism my mother experienced growing-up. The neighborhood he grew-up in was mostly Greek and Jewish. They lived together without hardly any problems.
You should want more than to be used by someone sexually; because FWB is a noncommittal-relationship. It isn't based on true-commitment; it's allowing sex to be part of the friendship, without any expectation of much of anything else. There are no rules to it; so when he finds someone else, or you date someone else; it can be dissolved with no further attachments. Well, maybe your expiration-date has arrived.
It's not as simple as because you are white, it is much more complex than it appears on the surface.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2020): HiYes I do think it is because of you been White, I do not doubt this and neither do you, however, it is because he is been swept up through something else at the moment, that he feels important to him and he has that right to fight for what he believes in, rightly or wrongly.let him follow what he wants to follow and you live your life as you see fit, move on, and find someone who wants to be real with you.Sad when we realize certain friendships are shallow and have no true depth, speaks volumes about people's characters, and intentions about the future, how empty words can be.Why should you feel like a moron for asking such a question, nobody deserves to be treated like trash, don't waste your time on any human being that just dumps you like that and openly tells you by his social media posts that you are unimportant to him as a friend, lover or future wife.You deserve better and should find a man who knows what he wants from life and relationships and is not led by angry social media.There is only one truth that I follow and it does not live in social media.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (22 August 2020):
 Don't be sorry for asking this question. It's obviously on your mind and it's not something you feel you can talk to him about, so asking total strangers isn't moronic or stupid.
Yes, I think your skin color is part of it.
But... only part of it. The other part is that a FWB is not meant to last. It's two people being "friendly" and having casual uncommitted sex with each other.
It might BE that he has come to a place in his life where he is looking for someone to eventually BE his wife. And maybe he ALWAYS wanted to marry a black woman. Sleeping with you was fun, casual but not anything long term even if you two lasted over 2 years in this "FWB".
I don't think you have become the "enemy" but you have become a reminder that he either wants MORE or that HE as a black man, should date a black woman.
The situation of Mr. Floyd has sparked a lot of things in many people. It might have been a "come of age" moment for him. He might be learning things about himself and his culture that he NOW find important.
This isn't about you. I know that sucks in a sense.
What I would suggest is that you let him go. He has chosen a different path, where he no longer wants anything to do with you. So you need to focus YOUR attention on your own life. What you hope to achieve, where you want to go, who you want to be with, what you have to offer etc.
Time for you to reflect on your life. It sucks to lose a friend.
Last little bit of advice, don't get in to LONG FWB. There is little in those for you. If you someone want to hang out with you, be your friend, fine - but keep sex out of it. OR DATE someone who besides being your partner and lover is also your friend. 2 years is a long time to "waste" on something that isn't really going to progress.
Wish him well, remove yourself from his social media and him from yours and move on.
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