A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have an abusive ex husband who I've recently left, and he really wants to get back together -he's out to a new place for work and has sent this to me - what does this email below mean? Has he really changed or is this a threat or why is he sending me this when at other times he calls me mean and selfish for having left him; sorry to paste the entire mail but want to know what people would make of this? ...'This place is sooooooooo good .... It's like paradise !!! Wish u were here ! I am beginning to realise that thinking of you now makes me sad .... If u really don't feel anything for me ... Then I need to get you out of my mind and start enjoying my life and move on ..... It will make you angry ... But really you will miss out on a lot of good time that we can have together in life... Things have just settled bad this is the beginning of a new life .... After working so hard for it ... We are finally there ....give yourself one chance to be happy .... If we get back together ... We will have a great future ... At the same time ... I agree with you ... If you don't feel any love for me ... Then finish it now .. Forever .. Because you know what ??? It's been almost 10 months now ! And I need to be loved be will be looking for love..... Not going to spend my life alone .... I am very serious this time . I need a companion to share good times and bad times .. Would have liked it to be you ... But no point if u don't love me .... One way love traffic never works out ! ' ...What is the meaning behind this? Thanks in advance!
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get back together, move on, my ex Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (17 February 2013):
 This is not a threat at all, but he will NEVER completely change.
I have four sisters, and two were victims in abusive relationships.
My sisters were the VICTIMS of abuse.
Over my lifetime it has been really difficult to try to stay out of the various situations that have arisen, and I have driven to their rescue, one a life saving dash, only to be blamed by them for interfering. They always thought that the abuse they received was THEIR fault somehow.
Already, I can sense that you are considering if you should give him another chance. Don't, please do not, for your own sake.
As someone who looked in on the abuse, the two men had chilling similarities.
They NEVER apologised for any sort of abuse. They always seemed like fanastic chaps who were driven to the point of violence by my 'stupid' or 'thoughtless' sisters. They were massive control freaks. They used similar messages all the time to keep my sisters hanging on.
Does this sound like your ex?
Please do not fall for this. He doesn't love you. How could he love you, and have done the things that made you run away? He may well be obsessed with the idea of you in his life, but dont make any contact.
Stay strong.
Somewhere, a good man is waiting for you to find him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey thanks all; that's very useful and the fact that to me its almost a single unanimous opinion. @Eddie I believe he sought help for the depression he went through because he told me 'i am spending thousands of pounds on hypnotherapy' and then again he also told me 'I am spending thousands of pounds on hair transplant/ hair weaving' - he is very proud of his looks.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (17 February 2013):
 he's doing what a typical abuser does and he's manipulating you. he wants you back and is pretending he has changed. but you can tell he hasn't because his underlying tone is manipulation - pointing out all the things you'll be missing out on and that he'll not be single forever, so you better jump on board fast because the boat is about to sail. he's not apologizing and he's showing you that he's not changed at all.he's trying to manipulate you back into being with him. Don't take the bait. he's a sh^t head.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2013): To paraphrase his email more succinctly : "I cannot be alone I need to be in a relationship of some sort because I am needy. I want you to fulfill this role for me since that would be the path of least resistance for me. But if not I will go in search of someone else to fulfill my needs. I hope you are as insecure as me and will prefer to be with me rather than alone and abuse-free so I am hoping you will balk at the idea of me finding someone else and will come back to resume our old abusive relationship like old times, just in a different place."
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (17 February 2013):
 That's a great note that he sent to you. Has all the right things in it to entice you back..... so that you may experience all the abuse and difficulties that you so wisely walked away from a while ago....
You'd be crazy to succumb to his enticements..... He's your "ex-"... let him REMAIN your "ex-"!!!!!!
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 February 2013):
 I agree that you have received some very good advice here.
The email was all about him.
And about trying to make you think you are making a wrong decision. In effect calling into question that you dared to leave him.
And trying to tell you that you are the one missing out.
And if you really cared, then why would you say that you know "It will make you angry" ?
Except a bitter person would say that if their intention was to make you angry.
He sounds like he has an inflated ego where he thinks he is the prize and that you should be pleading with him to have you back. He would like that.
His ego is also implying that he will find love again. He may find another woman but she will soon realize that she has met the booby prize. He may resent that he needs to find a new woman. Don't be surprized if he wants to try to claim that she is "better" - the poor girl chosen will discover soon enough that he's no prize indeed
Stay strong and protect yourself from more hurt from this loser.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (17 February 2013):
What here indicates that he has changed? Not a single thing. Is he going to counseling? Did he apologize for the way he treated you? No.
Never go back to an abusive partner because of their words. They aren't worth a thing.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 February 2013):
 I agree with the other answers here: he is trying to lure you back in. It would also appear that he still loves you and is using the fact that "you can work things out" and that he is living in paradise to lure you back.
10 months is still too soon as to whether he has changed. Did he seek help for the abuse he put you through? Did he admit to his errors and apologize? Do you still want to repair things? Is your relationship repairable?
These are all questions you should answer before making up your mind. If you have any doubts to his sincerity or you don't feel it will ever work out, then I suggest deleting the email without a response. If he persists send him one final one stating that your relationship isn't repairable and tell him to stop contacting you.
Hopefully he'll get the picture that you aren't interested in him any longer -- and given his history I think that might be a wise decision.
Eddie
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (16 February 2013):
 Strange that in the entire e-mail he didn't once mention his abusive ways or how sorry he was for making your marriage so bad that you were forced to end it...hmmmm
He also contradicts himself several times and doesn't mention that he loves and misses you...basically it's all about him and what he wants and what he thinks he deserves.
Abusive men do not change over night and certainly not without an extensive period of therapy and rebuilding.
His e-mail appears to be a shallow and last ditch attempt to make you go back to him....probably because no other womwn would want to be with him because he's an abuser.
Don't fall for it, you are a young woman and you deserve to be with a kind gentle loving man and there are plenty out there who would treat you with more respect.
Don't answer the e-mail, get on with your new life away from all the abuse.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy +, writes (16 February 2013):
 HI
His trying to lure you with promises of a great future, and paradise love. let him move on you don't need or want an abusive man back in your life. you got out, stay away from it now. If he is soooooo loving life and paradise why is he trying to make you jealous?? don't fall for it. ignore him and move on with your life.
Mandy x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): To me, it almost sounds like he's saying you won't find anyone else. And he's making promises he may not be able to keep. But maybe that's just what it sounds like to me.
By all means, follow your heart. If something about this email seems wrong, then be careful. You can consider it if you want. Maybe talk to him more and see if anything from the past seems raise its head again. Maybe he changed though. Don't go diving back into this unless you're sure its different this time.
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