A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is 18 years older than me. We both love sex very much and whenever we're together we do it more than once. However, he recently started to complain that his back is hurting very much after sex. He keeps writhing in bed, telling me how badly it hurts as if it's broken. He says it's that missionary position that makes it worse. He refuses to see a doctor nor take any medications. The only thing he asks me to massage his back. I do, but I don't think it helps him completely. It's only after many hours of sleep that he gets better, then again we have sex and again his back hurts, and so on in an endlessly vicious circle. It makes me feel bad about myself and guilty that I encourage him we sleep together, though we both enjoy it very much. Sometimes I wonder if it's having a deeper psychological effect on him, making him feel that he's aging or losing his sexual potency and verility. It breaks my heart to know that being with me hurts him that much. I don't know what to do to make him feel better physically and psychologically, or what to say to him as a kind of support to reduce the pain. I love him but I'm quite lost how to act or react when he's in such agony. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (4 October 2014):
 ignoring it will not make it go away. he needs to see a back doctor. there are lots of treatments that don't involve surgery.
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (3 October 2014):
 Yeah, what can you do if he won't see a doctor?!
There are 99 other ways to have sex with someone. It doesn't have to be missionary, like SVC said. It doesn't even have to be intercourse either. Oral, hands, toys, different techniques, tantric and karezza, all it takes is a bit of creativity to achieve even better sexual relief than jackhammering.
He could be dealing with arthritis, slipped disk, he should see a doctor because that stuff, like SVC says, can be degenerative, especially if it isn't dealt with. Pain stresses out the blood pressure and the heart as well, so he really does need to be checked out. Pain also can mean something a lot worse. I don't want to scare you, but my best friend's mom's cancer initially presented as really bad back pain.
I think he's scared, to be honest.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondear A female reader, So_Very_Confused, thanks for your reply. What if it is a disc disease indeed? He himself suspects it's disc. He strongly refuses seeing a doctor, he hates medicine and hospitals, he's afraid he'd be told to have an operation on his spinal, and what I believe is that he doesn't want someone to be telling him he is becoming too old for sex. What do you think I should do to relieve his pain, joke about it, give him a kiss, divert his attention with nice food, suggest we take a shower together while I massage him?? I get lost when he's in pain. Sometimes I don't want him to get excited so that he doesn't get hurt. Once I cried and he thought I am being too dramatic. If I am always on top, will it reduce his pushing inside and so reduce the pain after??? Sometimes I tell him, "take it easy for your back's sake" and then I regret saying this, knowing it might hurt his feelings, or I am being too rude. I love him deeply.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 October 2014):
it's simple... use woman superior or doggy style and his back won't hurt.
I will tell you that as a chronic pain sufferer due to a bad back that it may be he has either an injury or sadly degenerative disc disease.
my husband slipped a disc in the shower last year washing his feet...
your bf should see a doctor about the pain if it's that severe there may be something that can be done for him.
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