A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Has anyone ever actually had enough courage to leave their girlfriend or fiance because they couldn't cope with her past? I'm stuck between walking away from someone I love for my own sanity, or having a loving loyal wife but having to deal with the horrors of retroactive jealousy for the rest of my life.Has anyone moved on from this and found love with someone who had a past they could handle?
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fiance, her past, jealous Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Pyroshadow +, writes (10 August 2009):
I am thinking about it right now. I look at the first poster, his is nothing compaired to the the girl I am with has done.
Honestly I wish I could tell you it gets betters. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesnt. I dont know if am going to get over it or keep torturing us both or just end it.
A
male
reader, MBaachman +, writes (25 June 2009):
I did. It hurts every day (though less and less) but I can tell you that the pain of not having her is MUCH less than the pain of thinking of her getting pounded by every college dude in the state of Indiana.
Good luck, my friend. Where the hell do we find these girls?
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (27 May 2009):
 Plenty of people have, yes.
You need to recognise that this issue is your issue. If you're jealous of your current partners past, you're likely to be jealous of any future partners pasts, if they have similar pasts that is.
So it partly depends on how severe the issue is. If your current partner has a very sordid past and you feel you'll cope ok with someone with a 'normal' past, then you are potentially better of splitting up. If you can't learn to cope with it.
But, if your current partner actually has a 'normal' past (by that I mean up to 10ish sexual partners, nothing too freaky, etc), then you're just going to run into the same issue again and again. Unless you find a virgin, which is unrealistic and probably misguided. In that case breaking up achieves nothing.
Personally I did end up breaking up with my girlfriend that I had this issue with. But it wasn't because of her past (which I learned to deal with). Rather it was because of some deeper issues, which were both the cause of her past behaviour, but also much more importantly the cause of some current behaviour which in the end I was unable to reconcile.
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A
female
reader, sueannstep +, writes (27 May 2009):
 My boyfriend went through something very similar. Looking through this site, I am actually surprised how common it is. My boyfriend's jealousy lasted almost an entire six months when we were first together. It got to the point wherein I thought I couldn't handle it anymore. Going over details about my past so often, being made to apologize for things I had done. It was torture! I let him know and he gradually, (I'd say, over the next month) let it go... and that was it, and things were so much better. We've been together for four years now.
I assure you, she probably doesn't even think about her sexual past... if that's any consolation. I rarely ever think about my sexual past, almost never. If she says she loves you, I can guarantee that things she did in the past pale in comparison to what she has with you. I know it seems difficult to stop obsessing about it, but if you love her, really try. Don't ask questions, and whenever a thought like that comes into your head, push it out. Also, there is no guarantee that you will find someone that has a past you're ok with... and what would you do then? Just run through good relationships because you were the one who couldn't cope?
I wish you and your girlfriend the best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2009): Without knowing just what her past is, it's hard to give you good advice.
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and tell you that it depends upon your own level of emotional maturity.
I started dating the gal I'm married to when I was 20 and she was 18. She told me she was a virgin, which at the time was important to me, but of course she'd had boyfriends. Once in those early years, while working a long night-shift, in the dark quiet hours, I started to imagine things she might have done with those b/fs before me. I worked myself into a tizzy, couldn't handle the ideas that were going through my head. In a very rare bit of wisdom, I put those thoughts aside.
It's now 25 years later; she's an amazing mother, and a woman I respect unreservedly. In the years we've been together, she's never once done anything to make me less than proud.
If when she was 16 she gave a guy a bj, well fine. It honestly doesn't bother me a bit. I'm glad that I've grown up enough to say that, and sorry that it took me as long as it did to do so.
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