A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Is a relationship where you have lied, and cannot get yourself to tell the truth, a relationship worth staying in? Will the guilt of lying and of having betrayed someone you love get to be too much? Cannot confess a truth, but don't know if the deception will wind up destroying the relationship..Has anyone had experience keeping something from someone, and NOT had the lying destroy the relatinship? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2011): It depends on the degree of the deception. My ex's confession turned my love for her to hate. The weird thing is I now feel guilty, because I'm grateful that she turned me against her. Take one guess why. I can't stop grinning.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): perhaps you also have to ask yourself if you are that good a liar...
In very specific occasions, like if you know in your heart that it's never ever going to happen again and it was a stupid mistake due to circumstances, possibly it would be better to be silent, but then you have to make sure not to be destroyed by guilt and accidentally put even more distance between you and your partner
So, telling the truth releases you but possibly destroys the relationship, keeping the secret (maybe) saves the relationship but might destroy you.. Is there a way to put it so that your partner might be more forgiving?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2011): my brother has been having an affair.he is so fearful, his health has taken its toil, he has to always watch his movements and his back. he is basically living a lie and it showes with his health and worries.i think the same will happen to you. the guilt, the SECRET will eat at you, make you lose sleep, you will become a walking nightmare.all of this can be oversome if only the truth is told.......or else welcome to the nightmare.LoveGirl
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2011): It is just not lying that could destroy the relationship sometimes telling the truth could do the same thing. It depends; my friend ruined her relationship over telling about her past! And I heard her fiancé was so upset and told her that why she should tell it to him while there was no need to. He said I wish you never told me that! This is an experience of many years and seeing many people relationships that I have seen. DON’T SAY something that there no need to say it, or you THINK you will feel good about saying it because it is the truth! I am not saying lie to people, just don’t say something that you don’t have to. I give you some examples 1- don’t talk about your past if there is something that is not harmful but it creates some judgmental problems and will affect your relationship 2-for instance you are married and have a child and made a mistake but you are 100% sure it won’t happen again and you really regret what you have done, if you tell what you have done to your spouse you will get divorce and your child future will be ruined so don’t say anything just move on don’t make a problem deeper and never repeat the mistake again. By the way I have never done something in my life that I need to cover up but in general I think you should choose the way that is least harmful to people who are involve.
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male
reader, ClearEyes +, writes (29 March 2011):
I may be a horrible person, but I kept a random hookup with a girl at a concert from my girlfriend. Only one of my closest guy friends saw and it hasn't been spoken of since and that was 8 months ago. In some circumstances it can work, but I still feel stung by the guilt every now and again. If I was a weaker person it might actually move me. Don't make doing stuff like this a habit, because thats when it starts to destroy the relationship.
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A
male
reader, Moonknight  +, writes (28 March 2011):
 This is a very good question and requires a complex answer.There are many things to take in consideration here, such as circumstances of one's relationship and surroundings, these can make a lie be very normal and not worthy of confessing therefore having no bearing on a relationship.In a normal... world, there are often some complicated personalities for a person who would be in a situation like this.There are some people who may lie/cheat/ do something very wrong and want to confess, and clear it all, then there are those who want to confess to see how far they can push the relationship, then... those who confess to stress test the relationship/ their partner in the sense that if their partner stays... they will forever be honest, as that gives them something to believe and trust in.This takes no considering to the victims emotions and in return leaves room for the victim to later play the "you cheated on me card" This opens room for abuse, for the victim to become the abuser. It all changes everything forever, and really depends on the situation. So to answer your question, yes it's very much possible to do something wrong and live with it or confess and not destroy the relationship
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (28 March 2011):
 Honesty in a relationship is like the foundation of a house. A lie is like the crack in that foundation. No matter how much you try to pretend it's not there, the crack will continue to grow and spread until the foundation of the house is no longer stable, and the house is destroyed entirely. If you have a lie that you're keeping from your partner, it's inevitable that one day the lie will be found out. The thing is, though, if you admit to it sooner (when the crack is small), it's much easier to move past and work on. However, if you try to ignore that crack and let time pass, the lie (crack) becomes much larger until it might be impossible to repair. Do yourself and the person you're involved with a favor and tell the truth. Your relationship isn't real otherwise. It'll be based on manipulation and dishonesty, which is something that no one deserves.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2011): No, it's not worth staying if you feel you have to keep stuff from your partner. I guess look at at this way, would you rather lie to your partner and have her love you for someone you're not, or tell her the truth and have her love you for who you are? (flaws and all). I could probably answer this question better if I knew what it is you're lying to her about and why you feel the need to lie about it? Is she a judgmental person so you feel obligated to lie? Would like if you would explain... Anyway, back to what I was saying. No one is perfect, and if she expects you to be then that is just unfair on her part. We all do things we're not proud of, but lying about them just makes it worse. And what if she were to find out you're lying from someone other than you? That would just make her even angrier at you than if you just confess.
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female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (28 March 2011):
 I'm sure there are many people who lie and manipulate the people around them to get what they want out of life. These people are sociopaths, pathalogical liars, narcissists or have some other personality disorder. I'm sure there may be some "normal" people who hold secrets from loved ones. But they will essentially be living a lie, which is not really a normal, healthy life or relationship. Everyone has the right to live how they choose(so long as no one is harmed and no laws are broken, of course), but if you forever have to pretend to be someone you are not, is that a good life? The truth will set you free, so someone said...
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reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (28 March 2011):
 For a relationship to work you need to be honest with yourself and also to your partner. It will only continue to eat you up and destroy your relationship in the end anyway as you will feel guilty and you will feel like a bad person for lying. No matter how hard it is to tell the truth it is the best thing to do.
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