A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 26 (male) and my best friend (same age, female) who I've known since school days suffers from low self esteem. There's too many details to go into, but basically her family are split up and she says she never felt wanted and no one ever cared about her. She went through a phase of sleeping around just to feel wanted, which she now regrets. She has suffered from very bad depression and is currently on strong antidepressnts. (I had no idea about all of this; one night we had the chat when i told her I loved her and she opened up her heart about all this stuff). She is the loveliest person you could wish to meet but she has it in her head she's ugly, she says she hates herself and I think she thinks why would I want to date her! It was three months ago (after 10 years of friendship) when I admitted that I loved her and she was fine about it, no awkwardness but she half suspected I was just saying it to cheer her up (as she can't accept compliments), but she said she doesn't want to date anyone at the moment and wants to concetrate on sorting her life out and getting well. (I believe this as she has changed her facebook profile to just looking for friendship as opposed to dating). I continued with the compliments and treated her a lot at Xmas and we have been getting closer. I have told her I treat her as if she was my girlfriend and since then we have become more affectionate with each other. She has told me I am one of the reasons why she feels she is starting to come out of her depression. We have walked holding hands, hugged, walked with my arm round her etc (we were never physical like this before, not at all). It is hard sometimes to be affectionate with her because of the way she feels about herself but it can be acheived! We text each other several times a day and meet as often as we can, maybe 3-4 times a week, sometimes just to chat, don't necessarily do anything exciting but it's a good sign that we are comfortable just sitting doing nothing with each other. It made me smile that one night she had a bad dream and she text me in the middle of the night, I know its a little thing but its the fact she thought of me and it was me out of everyone she knows that she wanted to text. I'm just wondering if anyone else has been in this position and what happened or what they think. Because what I would love is for us eventually to become a couple. She knows this and has not said it would never be but people who have low self esteem I am told can find it hard to accept people would want to date them. She has said she loves me very much etc and I know she means it. To me the only two reasons we couldn't be together would be if she saw me as a brother figure or if the physical aspect of it would be a problem to her, but she has a brother and we are like chalk and cheese so I don't think that would be the case and she did admit to me when I said were my looks a problem that she would never be so shallow (not that my looks are a problem, but I had to ask!) She has said I will always be the closest person to her and after 10 years of best friendship (and 6 months of intense friendship) to be honest i just can't see either of us starting a new relationship with anyone else. Thanks in advance for any replies or comments.
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best friend, facebook, self esteem, split up, text Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2010): My boyfriend is my bestfriend even before we was dating. Things are wonderful. Go for it (: Maybe you should just give her time, keep being there for her and she will keep falling for you each day you're there. Hope you the best!
A
male
reader, TheDarkDoc  +, writes (6 January 2010):
 I was very close friend to my fiance for 6 years before we start dating, honestly that was the best thing ever !! I've been through relationships but none of them felt like this one, wish you good luck and belive me being in love with a friend is the best thing ever !!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2010): thats what its like for me and my boyfriend now and we're greatgo for itwe were best mates before getting togetherits good cos u know what they lke and dont etc
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2010): I just want to add, let things happen naturally, but whatever you do don't expect anything more from her or you'll feel used, right now it might not happen, but as long as you don't force the issue then in the future the door will still be open.
Be patient and give her time to rediscover her happy self.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2010): I was best friends with my now husband for 15 years before we became a couple. We used to text all the time and talk on the phone 4/5 x a day. I got divorced and he was there for me to cry upon night after night and eventually I realised when he started dating someone else how I felt about him. It is a good relationship and we know everything about each other and how each other tick. I do think friendship can turn to love and these are often the strongest of all relationships. I think timing and often jealousy can bring out the true feelings for each other.
I wouldn't be unduly worried about her being supposedly dependent on you or her low self esteem issues as she sounds very loving and sensitive and obviously loves and cares for you a great deal. I feel sure this will work out long term for both of you and being supportive and loving of each others needs is very important. You can also grow to 'fancy' someone if the feeling isn't there immediately as this was the case for me. My husband is a red head and I used to hate that but after a while things change and you see them differently. Now I find red headed men very attractive! Personality, kindness and compatability are much more important long term.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2010): I've never really seen it happen to be honest, thats not to say it's impossible, just that I know of no one that has happened with.
One thing I can say though, is with a girl in her mental condition you can't take her recent more affectionate behaviour as a sign of interest in taking this to the next level. She wants to feel closeness without the complications of romance and all the feelings that has attached to it and you're perfect for that because she already knows you are a gentleman that would never try to take advantage of her in that way, whereas if she were to try and get that with another guy there'd be added pressure to be more intimate and she's clearly not ready for anything like that.
She's feeling vulnerable and alone at the moment and you are her emotional crutch, it's very unlikely that she wants to make things complicated between you because you seem to be the only concrete thing in her life at the moment and moving to the next level is a risk she probably doesn't want to take, not now anyway.
There's very little she can do now that would push you away because you're so close as friends but should that friendship change into a more intimate relationship the amount of things that can go wrong rises exponentially.
I'm a hopeless romantic at heart and I'd love to say that it will develop into something more than it is, but right now thinking logically I really don't think she'll risk the only good thing in her life at the moment.
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A
female
reader, sonia_06 +, writes (6 January 2010):
well my similar situation was i was down on men and on a dating site 2 years ago but this guy who wasnt my type started giving me compliments we got chatting he was honest genuine and i started to feel something stupid me told him as i could never hold back but he didnt want to be more than pals although he said it werent he didnt like me and we rang each other annd went on cam but hey thats that the way it goes so i would say to you hang in there she will come round my case is differnt as i got a man now though noy my normal type and although not unhappy i am not head on heels
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