| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: hi all, please help me, i am so afraid that my husband will find out about a fling i had with a man a few months back.I love my husband with all my heart and am so upset, because i made a stupid, stupid mistake and i just cant forgive myself for what i have done. My husband is a wonderful man and i hate myself for what i have done on him. At the time i had the fling i was depressed and confused and was not myself, i still know that is no excuse.I deserve to be punished, i know, but i wish with all my heart and soul that i could take it back now, but i cant. i am crying as i write this because i dont know how to fix this, is there nothing i can do now? Honestly, i cant tell him, so please dont tell me its better to tell him as i know this will ruin everything we have build up and i am afraid he will leave me and please dont tell him our relationship is based on a lie...everthing is not always that black and white..I have never cheated in my life and did not think i was capable of doing such a thing, so i suppose i dont know myself as much as i though i did.Has anyone ever been in the same situation as this and what did you do??
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (18 May 2008):
 Don't be too judgmental or harsh on yourself.
Learn to forgive yourself and let it go.
Confess your sins to God and He will forgive you.
To tell or not to tell him.
Every man is unique and you can never know how he reacts to the news.
No two man will react the same.
What he does not know will not hurt him.
Whatever happens , it is your cross to bear.
When you tell him , you only pass your guilt to him .
If your conscience does not trouble you ,
then you carry on with your normal life .
God has forgiven you and you should trust in God and believe Him.
As Jesus said to the woman , 'Your sins are forgiven ,go and sin no more!'
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): Sorry you feel a bit abused here. Don't say anything to anyone. Deny everything should it surface. I don't regret my affair at all. My wife was cheating on me for who knows how long with how many men? When I gave up on her, she realized she was losing not only me, our kids and home were at stake so she asked for forgivness. I do love her but knowing the pain of a cheating spouse is like grieving a death, and the chances of you keeping marriage are not good if he finds out. If you want your marriage then don't cheat anymore. Put it all behind you and work on the reasons that led you into another mans sex life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): Original poster:
Thanks for all your answers, as i said before things are not all that black and white
My husband had packed his bags and walked out on me for a few months no explanation given. I was so down, could not work, lost all interest in everthing. When i got married, it was with the view that if we ever had a problem then we could sort it out by talking, he just walked, we did not have a problem, we were not arguing, he just left me.
Thats the reason i was depressed, i had the support of a man i knew, i was weak i know and gave in to that weakness at the time. I dont for one minute say it was correct to do so and would never do it again.
We have since got back together with my husband and trying to make a go of it.
I asked for the opinion of people who had been through something similar, but the most i got was from people who judged me and ready to knock someone when they are down.
I realise i was wrong, i broke the vows of my marriage.
I agree with what people say its wrong and i know it is, but stop being so aggressive, there is no need, i did not come on here looking for a way out. I am guilty, i know i am.
Those of you without sin, cast the first stone.
Thanks
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): Youve made one mistake, lying to your husband will be mistake number two. and so it goes on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): I am a woman & I am not for deceiving the husband. I think it is terrible and that she needs to face the consequences of her actions. By not telling him, you aren't giving him a choice. A choice that he deserves to have wether he wants to forgive you, or leave you. You exchanged vows and I think when you break those vows in this way it should not be kept a secret. it's horrible how ppl. are telling you "you made a mistake, it is in the passed, leave it there. Just learn from the experience" That is totally unfair. They aren't putting themselve's in the shoes of the man that was deceived. I think you need to put yourself in your husband's shoes, and then decide what you're going to do. I hope some people still believe in the sanctity of marriage.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): Its interesting to see so many women are all for deceiving your husband. I'm almost crying for him myself.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): I have done this and understand the remorse. I suggest you sit quietly and write down all the ways in which you can do new and happy things with your hubby. Put this down to experience and build from it. You have suffered enough and some things are for you to learn from. Do not feel it necessary to punish yourself. I have seen relationships become more intense and more committed after a fling. You CAN turn this around.
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A
female
reader, Confused4  +, writes (12 May 2008):
Well i just want you to know that you are not alone.. I had this happen just this weekend. I could not believe that i did this either. It was a kiss and messing around..I however did tell my husband, and to my surprise not an explosion. I suggested that he have relations with another woman. Couldn't you offer to your husband to spice things up for him to find a girl..? Then maybe your guilt will go away. just understand that you are not the only one out there.. rent the movie Unfaithful and see his reaction. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): I wouldn't advise becoming a scheming person, you got a long time to live with it. How will you get emotionally close to your husband?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): I will pray your husband finds out your deceitful ways. You say you love him and youre on line trying to find out ways of not getting caught out.
He deserves to know the truth.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): Whats done is done, there is no point in torturing yourself, I think you realise now how important your relationship with your husband is to you and from what you write I would say that you are extreemly regretful and on this occassion I would say to just forget about it and move on. Its a lesson learnt if nothing else.
What you do need to be sure of is that this information is not going to get beck to your husband from any other source, if there is even the slightest chance of this then you need to come clean as it will be better coming from you. I hope in your case that Only you and the other party knows about whatever happened and that you can guarentee it will stay that way.
I have been in your situation, I wasn't the one in a relationship though, I was the outsider and in my experience there are very few men that can keep such information to themselves.
From now put whatever efforts you can into your husband and if you do have to tell him, you are going to have to work very hard to make it work. I wish you luck. x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): If you don't tell him, then I think you're still taking something more from him every day until you do.
It's his life. Right now he is being tricked into believing that he has an honest & faithful relationship with his wife. This is not true. By not telling him about the affair, you are also not allowing him the chance to even try to understand and deal with the relationship problems that drove you to cheating in the first place.
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A
female
reader, Isabella1974  +, writes (12 May 2008):
 Hi there, everyone makes mistakes.
Twist of faith, i believe the poster realises that she is responsible for her actions, i think she has proved that in her question, so stop being so judgemental and sacastic!!
OK poster all i can say to you is leave the past in the past where it belongs, you have learnt from your mistake and go from there, you know know what effect your actions can have, so move on and try to accept that you made a mistake as alot of people do and love you husband and treat him well from now on, live in the here and now.
Take care
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): Stop beating yourself up. Sounds as though you adore this guy and for some daft reason (there but for the grace of god!) the circumstances meant that you wanted to feel loved, sexy, wanted etc. Don't tell him what has happened, why make him miserable. Instead concentrate on making him a happy man every day and put you mistake down to one of lifes experiences. If anybody tries to judge you with their answers, they have not lived a normal life. You sound like a smashing person - continue to be that way!
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A
male
reader, TCHP  +, writes (12 May 2008):
 Well yes, I too have done the bad, bad thing. And trust me, keeping it secret is dumb. Really dumb. Firstly I told my best friend and it spread, almost ruining all my friendships. When it eventually did come out to her months later. It wasn't pretty. Sure we got back together, but it wasn't worth. The relationship was hate-filled, painful and hollow. And it just fizzled, the beast was finally layed to rest. And just imagine how terrible you will feel, all those lies, deceit, running around and denial. Trust me, it ain't healthy.Yes, I hope that answers ones question, good luck, I just hope it ends up better then it did for little ol' me.
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