A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Before we got married, my wife had a relationship with another GUY whom she wouldn't quite call a boyfriend. According to her, she liked the GUY as a friend and loved to spent time with him because he was very romantic in nature. She never had sex with him but few times they had been a bit intimate. She told me that she never fell in love with him.We came to USA some eight years ago right after we got married. We have been more or less a happy couple with 3 children. My wife had contact with GUY over pone and emails. I had no problem with that. Cuz she was pretty much open to me about it. I had talked to GUY once in a while too.A couple of years ago GUY got immigration to USA and asked us for our advice as what would be a good city for him to come. Btw, he had got married a year earlier and also had a baby. Me and my wife had couple of cities in our mind. I gave it an honest thought and figured that the city that we live in will be most favorable for him. One of the reason was that we could help him in coping with the new place. He followed that advice. After they came here, both me and my wife helped him a lot to get settled in here. He has been taken into our local friend circle. Now here is what happened very recently. Me and my wife both know the password of each other's email account. She had ordered something online for me and had forwarded the receipt email to me. Later I wanted to check if there was further email about shipping I logged into her account. Not seeing any more email from the seller I wanted to look into the email that she had forwarded to me. So I got into her Sent box. Once there I saw some emails that she had sent to GUY. I know she talks with him over phone every now and then so I was kind of curious why she has been mailing him. I opened that email and I found that she was meeting with him and in that email she has sent him the direction to the place where they were to meet. Looking into few other emails it seemed to me it was probably not for the first time they were meeting.I am not sure why she is doing this. I mean, if she wants to meet him I am not going to resist her. Just a few days ago, I had asked her how she was doing. She told me that other than the usual familial and economical blues she was doing fine and she was full with my love. I believed her. Still now, looking at her face when she talks to me, I don't see anything wrong there. So, I am not sure what to do. I can tell her that I know what she has been doing. But not sure how she is going to response.
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male
reader, StoicNot +, writes (23 January 2010):
Honest Answer,
Thanks for your reply!
1. I AM trying to look for signs. So far I haven't find any. I do find her absentminded. Last night I asked her about it and she told me that she is just worried about household things. And I cannot deny that there are things going on to worry about.
2. Actually there is this other thing that gave it a little bit of context. Couple of weeks ago I took a day off from my work in a short notice, since I was not sure about my work pressure on that day. In one of her mails that she sent out to him after I had decided on the day off, she wrote GUY that she could not do it (not sure what she meant by "it", but I am assuming it was about a meeting) on that day because I was going to be at home. What struck me most is that, she started that small mail with the words "bad news!". I know I am probably being sensitive, but that she described to him my being at home as a "bad news" was saddening to me.
3. I know I shouldn't have read her email. Thing is that we both know that we both read each other's email since we have different membership accounts attached to our email addresses. Which was why I opened his Sent box in the first place. But I admit openning her mail to GUY was not a right thing to do.
4. I know what you mean. But here is the thing. There was no evidence in the Inbox of their email transaction that involved their meeting. She still kept GUY's other mails those were apparently innocent. She always deleted the special mails right after she read them. But her mail was being saved in her Send box. So I am not sure if she was really not intent to be secretive or just that it slipped her.
I don't want to be intrusive but I feel the urge to do something about it, lest it gets worse. May be there is nothing to worry about and if I can be sure that there IS nothing to worry about, I really don't mind her meeting him in some restaurants, if she enjoys her time that way.
A
male
reader, Honest Answer +, writes (22 January 2010):
 This is a tough one. So, I placed myself in your shoes and reread your question. If I were you, I would not confront my wife. Here are my reasons:
1. You say that the relationship is great. Cheaters tend to show many outward signs. Comming home late. Dissatisfied with sex. A suddend want for more sex. New sex positions. Changing the way they dress. What I am saying is they will be signs.
2. You don't really know the context of the email you read.
3. You shouldn't have read your wifes personal email. Even though she gave you her password, her email is her business. I know some will disagree, but thats ok.
4. She knows that you know her email password. Why would she leave incriminating evidence on her computer? Face it, women are smarter than men. Too me this was really important to my decision.
You seem like you have a great thing going with you and your wife. If you interject, and are wrong, this could shatter the trust you wife has for you. I am not saying sit back and watch another man steal your wife. Be proactive but not intrusive.
Good Luck!
Jeff
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A
male
reader, StoicNot +, writes (22 January 2010):
CaringGuy,
Thanks for your reply! As I told in my first post, we do socialize a lot and it is not even a question whether she talks to him or not. Time to time to she will brief me what they had talked about. I myself talk to him quite a bit too. Only that, now I know, she probably talks more than I am aware of.
Here is an example. In her last sent mail to GUY, she told him that our baby was sick (which she really was) so she could not make it to their rendezvous that day. In his reply he had consoled her and asked to take good care of the baby (My wife was prompt to delete that mail, since that had her earlier mail quoted. But it was still in the delete box). Then that night my wife let me know that GUY called her to ask how the baby was doing. So, simply asking her about GUY won't give me any clue.
Btw, I did not mention before, GUY's wife is currently visiting her parents, so he has been by himself for last couple of months.
I am not even sure how to snoop. Because they do talk over phone and there is nothing secret about it. So, may be what I have got from the emails is just the tip of the iceberg.
I am not ready to suspect her on anything. She might be talking to him about completely innocent stuffs. Not sure if that sounds too dumb and wishful. Naturally I am feeling restless but I cannot bring myself to ask about her meeting him. Not sure how she is going to response to my snooping into her Sent box.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2010): CaringGuy,
Thanks for your reply! As I told in my first post, we do socialize a lot and it is not even a question whether she talks to him or not. Time to time to she will brief me what they had talked about. I myself talk to him quite a bit too. Only that, now I know, she probably talks more than I am aware of.
Here is an example. In her last sent mail to GUY, she told him that our baby was sick (which she really was) so she could not make it to their rendezvous that day. In his reply he had consoled her and asked to take good care of the baby (My wife was prompt to delete that mail, since that had her earlier mail quoted. But it was still in the delete box). Then that night my wife let me know that GUY called her to ask how the baby was doing. So, simply asking her about GUY won't give me any clue.
Btw, I did not mention before, GUY's wife is currently visiting her parents, so he has been by himself for last couple of months.
I am not even sure how to snoop. Because they do talk over phone and there is nothing secret about it. So, may be what I have got from the emails is just the tip of the iceberg.
I am not ready to suspect her on anything. She might be talking to him about completely innocent stuffs. Not sure if that sounds too dumb and wishful. Naturally I am feeling restless but I cannot bring myself to ask about her meeting him. Not sure how she is going to response to my snooping into her Sent box.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (22 January 2010):
You need to know more before you can confront her. I would suggest just asking her about how he is and if she knows anything or has heard or seen him in a while. She might admit to having met him. If she doesn't, then you might need to dig a bit deeper. Yes, this is snooping, but it's always a bit weird when someone meets another person and says nothing. It might be totally innocent. You need to know a bit more before we can tell you what is going on.
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