A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been happily married for nearly six years and have two wonderful children (one from a previous relationship; and one with my husband). A couple of months ago, I made friends with a young couple through friends and over time I fell in love with the young lad. I told him how I felt and he said he felt the same way but told his girlfriend who then told my husband. We almost split but we are fine now. We cut the young couple out of our lives but now it turns out that the young lad I cheated on (only kissed) could be my younger half brother from my father.I love my husband dearly and don't want to loose him or ruin the kids lives (they were really upset when we nearly split over this before) but I desperately want to be with this young lad, even if he's my brother. My husband is nearly 40 and his family's health starts going down hill in their early 40s and I would like to have a backup in case my husband becomes so ill that I have to look after him. My children are still very young and I find it hard to cope with them sometimes so don't want to have to look after my husband too. But I'm afraid that if I tell this lad, though he's now single, he may tell somebody who will then tell my husband.Any advice is much appreciated.
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female
reader, BunnyTee  +, writes (3 May 2010):
 Umm..ok..wow. I'm afraid I have to echo Midge, there. Girl, you seriously need to get your head and your ass wired together. How selfish can you be? A back up plan? Do you have a back up plan for your kids, too? Because if you're already contemplating bailing on your husband before his health goes down the proverbial tubes, what's not to say the kids get to be too much and you bail on them, too? Your half brother?? C'mon, adding incest to the mix. I begin to wonder if this is a sincere seeking of advice, now. This is colossal dysfunction! You need a headshrinker, methinks. You're a dangerous breed of Narcissist. Get some help before you destroy yourself and everyone around you. With a wife/mother like you who needs enemies?
A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (2 May 2010):
 No offence, but are you serious? Do you have any concept of family and marriage?
If you get married, you take the good with the bad, remember in sickness and in health??? You say you dont want to look after your husband and the kids. Seriously, you need to get your priorities straight! Marriage is for life. When hes sick, you look after him, because I am pretty sure he would do the same for you.
My father passed away in July, and my mum took extended leave from work for 6 months to look after my dad, and I was working 80-100 hours a week, then going to my parents house to look after my dad while my mom had a sleep, then when she got up, went home and had a couple hours sleep before going back to work. I worked 7 days a week! My point is that we dropped everything to look after my dad because he was ill.
Now, you say you want to leave him for a younger man who could be your half brother? Besides the issue that he could be "family", you have not given your husband the respect of actually sitting down and discussing this. That is what marriage is all about. You discuss issues and problems together and see if there is a solution! You also said that the kids took the almost split very badly, well if you dont speak to your husband for his sake, try sort it out and come to a resolution for their sake!
You seem to be very confused about what is right for the sake of the kids, and also what love and marriage is all about. If I were you, I would take a long hard look at what I was doing. This decision is not something you should take lightly because if you do leave your husband, the chance of him taking you back when this younger guy gets tired of you, is slim!
Sorry if this seems blunt, but from what you write, its what I see, and a spade is a spade!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 May 2010):
 Your husband is not his parents and there is no guarantee his health would go downhill right now. With the right diet, exercise and good habits one can not blame being unhealthy on genes. In marriage vows there are no back up plans and I am sure your half brother would prefer having younger girls with no baggage than be his sister's back up. There is only one room for one person and we are all supposed to try our best to be the all-in-one person (spouse, friend, sex partner, domestic partner) for the rest of our lives. We all get old we can't escape that. Your husband can really benefit from your loyalty and devotion. Married husbands live longer than single males. If you go with your half brother, you lose your family, your reputation, and your husband who supports you and loves you. The gamble is not worth it. It's true you are still in your late twenties you want to have as much fun as you can before thinking about aging and death. You married him and it's too late to undo that. People can date as much as they want but in the end they still have to face someone dying. Aging can be graceful, it gives you wisdom and people respect you. He's only 40 by the way.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (2 May 2010):
 In reading this. I really feel sorry for your husband and your kids, that they don't have a more committed individual in their life. Let me tell you why. If I take everything you wrote, and put it only in the context of the message that comes across, it'd be just as effective to say, "I don't care who I hurt as long as I get what I want." Would that be a fair assumption. If not, re-read what you wrote, and see how I came up to that assumption.
Why did you get married? Just something to do, without much meaning? Did you marry out of love, or just convenience? I feel sorry for your kids, because "having a backup" will teach them that relationships are like having an automobile. If someone becomes ill, it's okay to trade up for a newer model.
Your marriage, holding together may seem fine, but really can't be as long as you're thinking about the other guy. I also think you're confused about what love is. You can't "fall in love" because love is not a falling. Love is a choice. People choose to love or chose not to love. This is because love is what it as and nothing other than, therefore does not have varying degrees.
You need to decide what you're going to do. I'd recommend, if you left, because of the knowledge you have of what that would do to your kids, that the child you have with your husband, be allowed to remain and be raised by him. This is for stability, and if you're one that after being with the other may repeat such behavior all over again, it's to protect your child from having to endure the pain inflicted by your decision from affecting them again.
You said it, "ruin the kids lives (they were really upset when we nearly split over this before)", so are you going to put yourself before your kids, or put your kids first?
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