A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I wonder if anyone can help me? I have just broken up with a man I was having an affair with. He has a partner and I'm a married woman. We did fall in love but I felt that we couldn't keep seeing each other because it wasn't fair on our partners and the guilt was killing me.Trouble is, he begging me not to end it, saying that he cares for me and he is wearing me down.It is difficult when I'm still in love with him because I didn't really want to end it but I couldn't have my cake and eat it. I'm trying really hard not to give in, but it's torture. What shall I do? Why won't he accept it?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2005): This man is doing an interesting piece of work here, on you. He wants to keep you just where he wants you, meeting his desires and needs.He is emotionally involved with you and he likely does care deeply. Like you said-he's simply not ready to call it quits-he cannot accept it. He knows your pain of guilt, he knows you are feeling tortured and sad, yet he still pursues you, knowing full well, the further anquish and pain this is causing you. Based on his behavior, what is that telling you? Dear, he doesn't respect your wishes and that he is going to continue chasing you until he gets you back in his bed. Get rid of him because his idea of love is skewed, hun. Love and respect go hand in hand-it's sacrifice and caring for who the other person is and what they want. Everything else flows from that one, basic foundation (respect). Regardless of which it is, he doesn't care about you as a person, in the healthy sense, or he'd stop chasing you romantically, against your will. This is got to be on HIS terms and to me that is a sure sign of a man who could be selfish and has thoughts of 'only what he wants'. He knows you are hurting, feeling guilt-he knows you are waffling and yet, he still is taking full advantage of your pain, your vulnerabilities. I don't call this love...this is pure manipulation and disrespect. You need to cut off all contact with him..no e-mails, no text messaging, no phone calls. Change your phone number, e-mail addresses-do what it takes or this situation will get way beyond your control and you may end up regretting the day you met this man. Be firm-be strong. Despite both you and your lover's selfishness, let's not forget another important player in this and that is your husband. Get into marriage counselling with your husband and see if your marriage will work and what you can do to rebuild. You owe it to your husband and your family to at least try. Start living a good, solid, happy life that makes you feel good about yourself. Divorce should be an absolutely last resort, because it will leave lasting marks on all of you, for the rest of your lives. Good luck dear and please, no more fooling around. take care and good luck.
A
female
reader, mommyofthree +, writes (17 November 2005):
 Because you were both cheating, I am left to assume that the affair was filling voids left from your current partners. With that in mind I can only guess that your affair was a source of gratification much like a drug for you both. He may find it hard to give you up because he feels he needs that and without it he may even experience some symptoms of withdrawal. If you wish to remain with your husband then you must stop all contact with your lover, or your not being fair to the marriage. Your lover will hurt and it may seem mean to you but it is the only way to salvage your current relationship. As with all heart ache it will heal in time.
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