A
male
age
36-40,
*olidus
writes:I dated my first love for almost a year. From the moment I met her we just had this instantaneous connection. Everything just fell into place. However, there were aspects of her personality that drove us apart. IE her selfishness and self centered ways. During the course of our relationship we broke up twice. The second and final time was my doing because I refused to let myself be treated less than what I was worth. A few weeks later she called me and we started communicating as friends. It went on this way for about a year with her visiting me periodically. We had a heated discussion about her and other guys which she said she can and will do whatever she wants. It's true if she does do anything sexual with anybody else I don't have the right to question or criticize her. However, why tell me that you love me every other day? She does this especially when she's under the influence or drunk IE "I love you more than life. I really do love you and I'm not just saying this because I'm drunk." Then after our argument about three weeks ago she came to see me and we had sex. It was the first time we had done anything like that for a year. Now I just spoke to her a few minutes ago and she told me some guy tried to have sex with her a few nights ago. I started to ask her about it and she didn't want to elaborate because I'm "Me" and it would make me upset. And she's right. It would make me upset. A few minutes after this she says "I love you. We still getting married?" She has numerous undesirable quirks...she's rude, crass, smokes marijuana, and indulges excessively in alcohol, but try as I might I just can't erase her from my heart. I think about her every other minute of every single day and the idea of some other guy touching her breaks my heart and turns my stomach. She's hanging out with the dude who wants to have sex with her right now. No doubt smoking weed and drinking. I'm about to go work out and get my mind off of it. It's all I can think about because I know how easy it is for someone especially a guy to take advantage of her while she's under the influence. she says she loves me practically everyday, has sex with me, and yet she puts herself in these situations and feels compelled to tell me about them just enough to make me curious then doesn't elaborate. Doesn't she know how that makes me feel? My mother says that she's immature and my best friend says that she doesn't know what she wants. I don't know what to do. My heart is really confused. Does she really love me as much as she claims? Am I stupid for holding onto this incessant hope that one day she'll find her way back to me? Does anyone out there have any similar experiences or advice about how I can erase her from my heart? I need a way to stop feeling sad whenever I think about her with someone else. I don't understand what we are. Are we friends, friends with benefits, or what? Do I have the right to care? Should I stop caring? Love Sucks. Can anyone help me out?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): OK, stay strong, you can have a conversation that you would like her to never call you again, that you need to move on with your life and would appreciate it if she respected your wishes to stop all contact with you for at least several months. Take care.
A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (1 July 2008):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the question I feel stupid. I was doing a pretty good job of ignoring her. Then she just called and asked why I sent her a text message that said "Goodbye". I feel like a person who was one day sober and then relapsed.
I sent her a another text saying bye and this time I will most definitely no longer answer her phone calls.
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (29 June 2008):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just read her away message on AIM:"What have I done????????(I aint mad though);-)" and another that went "what the FUck did i do last nite???"I've come to the difficult decision to cut all ties with her effective immediately. I'm not even going to answer her phone calls anymore.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008): You know if this is not the girl for you, the best thing for BOTH of you is to cut all contact for at least several months or for as long as it takes for you to get her out of your memory and system.....people are creatures of habit, we form attachments to the familiar and to the comfortable but it does not mean that these attachments are good or are healthy for us. You don't owe her friendship or to keep her around as a spare. You would be showing her more respect by not stringing her along and letting her get on with it.
Once you stop obsessing about her and the PAST you can move towards your future. Living in the past is no life at all.
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A
male
reader, Solidus +, writes (29 June 2008):
Solidus is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow, you all gave really good answers that will genuinely help me get my head in the right place. Especially rhythmandblues2, I felt what you had to say the most.
"If you want her, you have to start setting boundaries and tell her what you will and will not accept if you are going to be sleeping with her....ask her to be your girlfriend and see if she lives up to that role satisfactorily to you. I think you have not done this because you don't want her to be exclusive with you, you see things about her you don't trust and you don't like."
The above paragraph stuck with me the most because you're absolutely right. There are things about her that I don't trust or don't like. Her substance abuse and constant alcohol consumption being most prevalent. And yes, my mother has spent extensive time with her and once commented that "She's not happy" in response to her excessive drinking. All her quirks even lead me to believe she may have a sort of mild mental disorder which she of course denies viamently.
"Love is just a word they throw around like so much kleenex because it is a household word that means affection and even possession, as in I possess you as my friend...."
Yeah, sometimes I wonder about that. If she just uses the word "Love" as a tether to keep me connected to her. If she truly understands the sentiment and the concept. Because when you love someone you treat them better. As I've said we've broken up twice in the past so although I miss what we had I find it hard to trust her with my heart anymore. And I can't really see her face to face that often because she 3 hours away at University.
Sometimes I feel as though I should just cut her out of my life completely cold turkey. I was on the verge of doing that when we slept together. Then I start thinking about all the times we've made love and all the laughs we've shared and the thought of never speaking to her again is equally sad.
It hurts but maybe that's what I need to do...not talk to her at all.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008): Hi, yes love does suck when the one your heart desires is not really worthy of your love and cannot make a commitment.
Only you can answer these questions for yourself, but here is something that you might try doing. Use your logical thinking brain to decide what you really want from this relationship, and more importantly what are the qualities the "character" of the woman that would make you happy and whom you would want to settle down with or be in a serious relationship with. What are your three non negotiables? What are the things that you will not live without in this woman and what are the three things you will never accept or put up with or do without? Now that you have made your list, if you find a woman who meets 80% of that list then you have found a great woman for YOU.
From how you describe things here, I kind of get the feeling that you are the back up guy, the one she can count on to keep her from being lonely when she is not hooking up with some other guy or out partying with some of her fair weather friends.
She does sound really quite immature and a lot of women say I love you every day because it is so easy for them to say to people, they even say it to their female coworkers for example. Love is just a word they throw around like so much kleenex because it is a household word that means affection and even posession, as in I possess you as my friend....
I would not take this as a serious sign of her feelings. I think your gut is telling you something is not right, and her behavior is what you have to pay attention to. At least right now, you are not in a relationship with this woman other than a friendship that teeters on romance and is mostly one-sided on your part.
If you want her, you have to start setting boundaries and tell her what you will and will not accept if you are going to be sleeping with her....ask her to be your girlfriend and see if she lives up to that role satisfactorily to you. I think you have not done this because you don't want her to be exclusive with you, you see things about her you don't trust and you don't like.
I agree that getting your family involved is usually a bad move because they can be pretty destructive with their criticism, but on the other hand, if they have met her, seen how she behaves and have seen your hurt and disappointment, then they knowing you like they do, could probably peg this one as a really bad idea, and they could probably pick someone for you better than you could...but it would be hard for them to get the physical chemistry and attraction just right..... but sometimes that does not jump out and bite you until you get to know someone a little bit...
Think about it, do you want to stay stuck in loser's ville, or do you want to cut your ties with this soul sucking girl and go out and find someone with a whole lot more going for her, like not having a drug and alchohol problem at the very least.
You take care, and you can figure this one out...put some pen to paper and THINK.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2008): No I don't see it as fwb's. There really is no name for what you guys have. Cause with fwb's usually there isn't much feelings involved beyond those of friendship. Or in some cases, one person wants the other but the other just wants to hook up. I've had fwb's, just because I didn't want anything serious at the time, but there was no past and probably there would be no future. But it is totally different from actually being in love and crazy about somebody, where you actually want to see them and be with them all the time.
But in your case, you both actually have real feelings for each other, and not only that but you were seriously involved with each other prior to this "friendship."
I don't know if you should stop caring. I mean if you would like to give it another go, then she has told you how she feels, so it might not be impossible to date her again. But with all of her quirks and your past issues, you have to weigh your options and find out if you think she's worth it or not.
And if you do genuinely want to get over her, then the ONLY way to get over someone is to cut them out of your life, cold turkey. That means NO contact, whatsoever, for several months, at least. That's really the only way. And eventually, once you are over it, you can be friends again, if you want. But since your break up, you have never had the time to move on and get over her. You have both been in contact since. To get over someone you need to forget them for a while, go out with your friends, meet other girls, and just forget them for a period of time. You'll still be thinking of her, but the more and more time passes, somehow little by little you'll move on, without you realising it. Its up to you.
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A
female
reader, scorpion queen +, writes (29 June 2008):
First of all is she nuts? no seriously I can't say she really doesn't love you but if she did why is she haning with someone else and not you? Then ask yourself why she is always drinking and smoking pot? Because if she has a problem maybe she needs the attention of a male figure but knows you will judge her and the other guys won't because you care and love her they don't. My advice is to ask her to lunch or to come over to your house and really talk about your feelings and tell her to tell you her true feelings. At least this way she will be sober and you won't have to doubt her answers. Then tell her you refuse to have sex with her if she is drunk or high, and second tell her you don't give a shit about her other guys so stop telling you about them. The last thing is don't get your mom involved she only wants what is best for you but her advice could be damaging. Also if you and your ex do get back together your mom may have a strong opionion about it because of wehat you told her.
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