A
male
age
41-50,
*ude
writes:Ok agony aunts i need your help in the worst way! Heres my problem. My wife and i have been going thru some major issues that have been causing a rift between us. Just know that regardless of my actions i do love her and i do regret what ive done in the midst of all this. The major problem that i have is shes not very nice to me. I gave up family and friends to be with her, ive done everything i could to make her happy, i work full time, i cook i clean, i tend to her needs and im always there for her. Im not perfect in any means, as u will see yet i feel that up until these last two months ive done the best i can. My biggest problem is that im very lonely. I have no friends or family out here other than hers. I have no one to talk to and no one to hang out with. My wife and i have nothing in common other than our son. My life is boring yet filled with anxiety and heartache. i feel stuck sad and alone. Unfortunately this has caused me to stray...i wasnt looking for it but it just happened. The problem is that the person it was with is the perfect match for me. My wife, i was never really attracted to physically but i was to her personality and verve for life. Now thats gone too.But this girl i met im atttacted to in every way. We have the same interests in music movies activities even the odd things which i wont go into detail because its too long. Shes beautiful and funny and i fell in love with her and her with me. She knows im married but it didnt matter ay first. But we both knew we couldnt keep going so we broke it off even knowing that we are perfect for each other. Shes made me feel like more complete and content than ive ever felt let alone alive again. I know its the adventure of the affair yadda yadda yadda but ive never felt this way for my wife. Ever. So heres where i am now...i wish i could feel that way for my wife that i could take one look at her and feel that click that heart racing feeling that makes u want to grab her up and hold her through the night. But instead i look at her with resentment and no attraction... even before the affair. What do i do? I mean i see the other woman every day at work and we are still friendly and cant seem to keep our eyes or our smiles to ourselves... Even today i know shes on a blind date and its killing me the envy i feel for the guy shes seeing. I cant get over her or even know if i should or will...Im trying to work on things with my wife but the thought of anything intimate disgusts me and i feel horrible for that. Its been like this for two years now. Shes getting help for her anxiety and anger and shes trying to lose weight and look better but the damage is done and i dont know how to fix this...
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female
reader, svf  +, writes (28 June 2011):
 I don't often say this, but I think you should end the marriage. You are not happy and you won't find the love that has been missing from your life if you stay in this relationship. Sometimes pure willpower isn't enough to make something work that wasn't great to begin with. I admire your dedication in sticking this out, but I think on this one, go with your heart. The new lady sounds perfect for you, and if it doesn't work out, at least you know you tried. People with anger issues very rarely are able to change to the point that they are completely 'calm' and their tempers rise up at the most unexpected of times. If it's been years of this, it sounds like it will be very hard for your wife to change her habits. But only you could know that as you live with her.
I wish you all the best x.
A
female
reader, RainyJune  +, writes (28 June 2011):
You dont sound happy at all in your relationship, and to be honest you dont sound like you are ever going to be happy in which case its only fair to you AND your wife to leave. She might not be perfect for you but she is perfect for someone out there and its only fair that you let her have the opertunity to find a person who does think the world of her.
despite the fact you have strayed its always positive when you can see your own wrong doing. You want to be happy, sitting hoping your wife will have a personality change is not a way to do this. Leave her, give both of you a chance to be in happy relationships.
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A
male
reader, bude +, writes (28 June 2011):
bude is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat's just it though. If it was just the weight I wouldn't have a problem. Its the fact that for four years she's essentially cut me down and cut me off from any way of know ing who I really am. I have no identity no passion because every time I do it takes away from time with her, even if it's an hour she makes me feel guilty. I couldn't even go to a concert with my best friend back home without being told I was selfish...I can't remember the last time I ever did anything for myself. I usually hold it in because I used to have a really bad temper and got violent so I refrain from getting upset...that's why I can't see her in that way anymore...but now she's working on those things but it just feels too late and I don't want it to be. I'm not attracted to her, in any way...and that's why it's so bad
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): I admire that you knew you were doing something wrong and are doing something about it. Your problem here is not so much that you had an affair...it is the fact that you can't appreciate people as they are. You chose to love your wife in good times and bad, sickness and health. Obesity can be considered a sickness. You can be a good husband and seek to help your wife become the woman SHE is trying to work on. She NEEDS you. You are looking at your needs only, and while yo may find temporary happiness in the thrill of the chase, you will experience an even greater joy in having helped your wife in HER time of need. You do that...and she will look up to you in ways that will make you fall in love with her all over again if you just open your heart and mind to her. I promise you.
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A
male
reader, bude +, writes (28 June 2011):
bude is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here...
First off let me apologize for any difficulties in reading my original post...I have a new smartphone I'm trying to figure out...on my comp now tho...
Ok, so my wife was always on the bigger side, not obese but chunky which is ok. And she's always been outspoken in her life but her anger and temper have turned into a bash fest on me, and at times my family which is a completely other story. Problem is that I don't feel connected to her anymore because of this though I would like to. And I would love to be free from my desire to be with the other woman, but I'm not and that's where I need the help.
As far as therapy yeah it'd be nice to talk to someone but I don't have that kind of money or time as I work 50 hrs a week and am a full time dad. Sometimes I feel that the only reason I haven't peaced out yet is because of him. And its that love for him and my desire to fix what's broken if it can be. And to feel for my wife what I feel for the other woman, though I'm tired of looking at my life and seeing it slip by while I'm unhappy and unfulfilled. I mean we have nothing in common that can carry us on...we like opposite movies I hate country and r and b and she's hates rock, though she can only listen to her music so I usually suffer through it.
And yeah, here's where I'm shallow and I'll admit it....I never went into this affair because this other girl is hot...she is but it's not the reason...it's because we connected and just get one another in a way I never thought possible. She knows things about me that I felt so comfortable in telling her, and her like wise, that no one else knows. And yes she is beautiful and sexy as he'll, so yeah I might be a pig, but I didn't start out as one in this...but now I'm lost
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A
male
reader, DeadEyeDick +, writes (28 June 2011):
 What are you waiting for, leave your wife, and go with this person your a match with, but remember the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side, what are you gonna do when you get down the line and realize shit is not as great as you thought it would be with this new chick? now you lost your family and your kid on top of that will never have his dad in his everyday life, if there's any chance at working out with your sons mom do it, if it's a loss, cut your losses and go, but remember your not the only one who suffers the pain from this complicated issue, the most important is your son, if you absolutely are at a loss with his mom, then it would be unhealthy for you to stay, and him to see his parents hate each other!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2011): You might consider some therapy yourself. As helpful and supportive as people here may be I think you need someone you can talk to in more depth and on an ongoing basis. You did say you had no friends or family nearby you could talk to.
I don't recommend therapy as a way of life, but a few session might give you some new perspective and direction.
As fond as you are of this lady friend of yours, I believe you may be relying on her or some relationship in the future to give you what you're not getting now. What you're not getting from life, I mean, not from wife. If you took control of your life and began exploring other possibilities (besides the romantic ones) I think you would be so much happier.
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