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female
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anonymous
writes:Advice mainly from men please!I have always felt pretty liberal over porn where women choose to display themselves or have sex as some like to it, but you 'normal' guys out there, where do you draw the line between normal and abnormal?My husband has never been able to have sex normally. He cannot get a full erection and is rarely hard enough to get or stay in me in over 20 years of marriage. In spite of this he has often made a semi effort in trying to pin me down even though he could not do anything. He is obsessed with making me cum and seems to get off on this even when he cannot ejaculate himself. I am leaving him for many reasons of which sex is only a part of our problems, but on the face of it he is a 'nice man'. Gentle, kind, generous, BUT I did ONCE catch him touching my daughter when she was age 2 and he denied realising it was her as she was in bed between us. Anyway, what has spurred me to write is since we are splitting up I had a look in his 'history' on the Internet and have found he regularly visits sites to do with rape, attacking women when they are drunk and cannot put up a fight, and previously found sites with animals involved. I used to recite sexually explicit details to my first husband as he liked it so I am not a prude, but I am really bothered about the 'dark side' of what is happening here. He is physically incapable of putting any of this stuff into action and would not harm a fly, there are no implications to paedofilia except what I previously mentioned with my daughter. No comments please on why I am still with him as I gave him the benefit of the doubt on one occasion and had nowhere to go anyway with 3 kids in tow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank-you Carebear. You have some good points. I did say my husband can have sex but it has never been 'normal'. I have been married before and he was very young, but more playful than perverted. He liked 'soft' porn but never anything to do with force issues. We had no children. This daughter thing HAS been bothering me for years, but it is one part of many issues that go through a mind when a relationship is looking for reasons to break.I really cannot get my head round if I am seeing straight on whether I did the right thing staying, though I felt I had no choice at the time as I have never had reason to believe my children have been in danger. The main reason for the break-up is financial, responsibility issues, lack of fulfillment, lonliness, and when people suggest marriage guidance, for some reason I do not want to repair anything. I have stayed I think partly becasue what I had was better than the unknown, and now I have no vision of anything less lonly either. I cannot go out because everything costs these days and I am paying debts I have built up trying to keep a feckless husband with delusions of grandeur in a self employment that just did not have resources to provide for all of us. It is only as we split things up and go through things that I have discovered this 'other', more sinister porn thing and I have a mental block on whether I am making more of it than there should be. I have no intentions of using it for divorce or making it public for the sake of my children's relationship with their father. I just need to get my head straight on this issue among everything else.
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female
reader, carebear +, writes (23 April 2006):
 Hi
can i add i think this thing with your daughter has been festering away at you for yrs you & your husband have 3 children so he must have been able to do 3 times, as for the porn issue some men expecially if they watch porn want to try these things thinking they are normal you were with your husband for 20 yrs thats a long time and you prob know the answers to what you are asking but just can't admit them to yourself. You mention a first husband did he act like this and I also wonder if it is not this why are you leaving him now
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (22 April 2006):
 This thing with your daughter obviously still has implications in what is going on now or you would have not mentioned it in your letter. You must have felt so alone when this happened with lack of finnacial werewithall to escape and young kids, not to mention a loveless marriage. So were do you go from here?
At 50 your life is not over and nor have you watsed it. From the sound of things you ahve been a good Mum to your children and a good wife to your husband. But if you are unhappy do you not think it is now time for you? What is stopping you making the break now? Why are you frightened of striking out on your own?
Give it a go. I think your first port of call might just be to your GP. Have a chat with him/her and see if they can arrabge counselling for you. You do sound down and maybe even depressed, and who could blame you with what you ahve been through? Ask for some help there and maybe that will help you see things more clearly.
Then look at a means to leave and go for it. It is always better to regret doing something than not doing it. Do you want to be on your deathbed at 80, 90, 100 thinking I wish I had DONE something whilst I had the chance.
Please go talk to your Gp and ask for some help, it may help you cope with the pressure a little better. Dont be to hard on your husband tho, if you leave him make sure it is because you want to. But dont stay with him because you cant see any other way either.
Keep us posted and good luck.
xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionResponse mainly to anonymous 22/4/2006, non gender. No, I didn't come in the last tide, nor is this question a wind up. The incident with my 2 yr old was 18 years ago and I agonised over when a man is lying there, next to me, obviously turned on, and not touching me, would he definately have known the difference. Well, there is denial I guess. I said I had nowhere to go, my parents finances were tied up in his business, there are lots of complications I did not know how to deal with. Also, since then, there has been no reason to make me suspect anything else has happened. He does not ogle children, or have any children related porn interest. I was not in love with him when I married, and that incident tainted it further. I am a forgiving, non judgemental person and I am finding the whole thing of leaving him and tearing apart my home very difficult. I dread being alone at age 50 and sometimes it has seemed easier to stay with the devil you know ... until now that is. being judgemental on why I stayed is not productive in helping me now. I am just confused how a 'nice guy' on the surface, apparrently caring and loving otherwise, can have such a dark side, and that is why I hoped some men could give me their honest psychological view on whether a normal man does have such adverse sexual thoughts. I do know some 'nice' men who seem to have perverted tendencies, yet do not seem a threat to those around them. It is just that I feel cold to my husband sexually, yet he does not seem to think such extreme porn sites are abnormal. He didn't flinch when I told him I knew today. All the years he had had sex with me, he grimaces and stuffs his head the other way, he also can only maintain an erection if he penerates me from behind (not anal). I am just so sick that I have waited so long to do anything, I feel my life has wasted away, but until recently my life was occupied with grown children still at home, and now they have gone, I feel I have nothing.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2006): OMG. He couldn't tell the difference between a 2 year old and a grown woman? And you believed him????C'mon, what tide d'ya think we came in on.......
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2006): Your husband is perverse. You have put up with his sexual crap for far too long now. The children are grown and you have to do something about this, it's not normal. Feel pity for him,just be grateful your children did not get hurt by him, If you know what I mean. Deep down you know you have to leave hime eventually. 20 years is a long time to live with a pervert, why did you put up with something like this for so long and still be there living under the same roof with your children and yourself?I am sorry but I have more questions than answers.I just don't understand you but I have the respect for you for having to write this and make me aware there are alot of sick people (Your husband) out there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2006): My mother's second husband had a thing for porn and me at 11 years old. When I came forward to tell my mom, he tried to blame me too. Go with your gut, you can't get back a child's innocence once it is taken.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2006): If I were you, I'd get some professional opinions about your husband's porn selections. This is too serious a matter for a blog alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn trying to keep my problem short I may have not made it clear that the children are now grown up and not in any danger. He would not harm anyone, but as my marriage breaks apart I am looking for why I never felt I could be close to him, why I felt repelled rather than wanting to be nearer, always something there that turned me off rather than on. Yes, he seems to be visiting these sites daily since we started sleeping apart some months ago.
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female
reader, MissMo +, writes (21 April 2006):
The incident with your 2 year old obviously bothers you and makes you question your husband, otherwise you would not mention it. It sounds like your husband has some perverse fantasies. A couple of porno files dealing with animals or "rape" might be understandable, because i know guys that look at them out of sheer curiosity. But if he regularly visits these kinds of sites, then he sounds like he's sexually deviant. It doesn't sound like it's safe to have him in the same house with your children. Living under the same roof is putting all of you in danger.
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