A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've always been a shy person and I have this problem where I have a hard time showing my personality to people. I act extra nice and polite (perhaps boringly sweet/predictable?) until I really feel comfortable. Recently I've been on four dates with a guy and it has gone pretty far sexually, but I'm worried that he's starting to lose interest because I'm so shy and quiet- I mostly let him do the talking and I don't really tell him many stories about myself. In the past guys have lost interest for this very reason because I don't show them who I am, and I feel powerless to stop it. I have a sexual connection with this guy and I really want to see where it would lead if I did start opening up. Should I somehow tell this guy that I'm hard to get to know or slow to open up? Do you think he would be more patient in that scenario? How do I say that? He has been texting me less (though it could just be that he's busy) and I don't want to appear desperate or too issue-filled.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2014): As a shyer guy, I can completely relate. Practice is the best thing to improve your conversation skills. When all else fails, ask questions about the person you're talking to. People love talking about themselves. Sometimes the best conversation catalysts I use when a conversation is stalling are "What have you been up to lately?" and "Do you have any plans for the weekend?"
From there, you may be able to relate to something they said, or be reminded of something that happened to you.
You don't have to be talking about anything major, deep, or super meaningful to enjoy a conversation.
A
male
reader, Mark1978  +, writes (6 July 2014):
 Hi
Acute shyness is always an issue in relationships. If he is doing all the talking it will soon make him feel awkward and that he is doing all the work. I've had dates with women who give yes/no answers to questions and sit on mute and its sooo awkward. Even if this guy is a real raconteur, a naturally chatty guy, its hard to think of things to say when the person sat opposite isn't saying much at all.
The trouble with being very shy is that others can sometimes misinterpret that shyness as being aloof or not making much effort. Perception is more important than reality in that instance. I used to be very shy myself. I have got a lot better but will never be the life and soul.
I think you need to make the effort to TALK when you next meet. You must speak to people at work or at college? You talk to your friends and family right? This is just an extension of that. You don't have to talk about anything deep and meaningful, neither do you have to lay your emotions and life story bare in front of him. But you do need to learn to chat and be more confident.
World events, media, a funny tale, something that happened that made you laugh....anything. Don't just sit there, speak! Ask him questions and if he asks you one give a longish answer. Don't just say yes or no. If you can get pretty far sexually with a guy im sure you can bring up a news event or something happening locally.
Your shyness is only an issue if you make it one. Ask him to meet up and go armed with a mental list of questions to ask and topics to discuss...
Does he drive? Ask him what his dream car would be and why. Has he always lived in that area? Ask him about his previous neighbourhood or if he would like to move somewhere else. Travel - has he been abroad recently? If so what was it like, would he go again, if he has never been abroad where would he like to go. What's his favourite film? Now tell him yours and explain why you enjoy it so much. What do his parents do for a living? What do you do in terms of hobbies or interests that you could tell him about?
Mark
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