A
female
age
26-29,
*etUp
writes:One of my friends keep telling me not to talk to boys the way I do, and he says that I "don't know what I do to other guys." I've tried asking him what he meant, but he shrugged it off. I'm almost certain that he's talking about flirting, but I don't even know how! So I asked the previous guy I was talking with and he thought I WAS flirting with him! I was so baffled!So my question is, what exactly is flirting? Is it just having a nice conversation? Is it smiling all cutesy and twirling your hair and whatnot? Is it playing footsies under the table? Because I swear I don't do things like that. I just... joke around and talk. This is such a foreign field to me. I really don't want to lead on a boy that I don't want to date. That's just cruel. But I don't want to stop talking to them either.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 January 2012):
 If it is just a case of you being nice and not actually being flirty then yeah, it is the guys problem and you shouldn't stop being who you are. I guess it is similar with me, that when I am nice to guys they think I am flirting. Guys tend to think that either I am interested in them, or they get interested in me. Hence I don't really have any male friends except for my brother and one other guy who is now married. All the other male friends I've ever had have either made a pass at me or thought I was interested in them. But I am just being me.
However I have a friend who is now married, but in her single days she was a real flirt. She would flirt with anyone, any male there was, no matter age or looks. Maybe she thought she was just being herself, but she was really putting herself out there, almost pressing her boobs in their faces and always smiling and laughing at the right times, using seemingly innocent body contact to flirt. And maybe most importantly, when a guy flirted with her she didn't brush it off, she encouraged it and encouraged it.
Maybe you aren't flirting with the guys, but if you learn to notice when they flirt with you you'll know when to back it off a bit rather than encourage it, which could be part of your problem.
A
female
reader, Pooki__11  +, writes (30 January 2012):
Guys often misinterpret a pretty girls friendliness as romantic interest. Its their problem, not yours. Unfortunately often its a case of either acting cold and disinterested and then people will call you a bitch or being your friendly bubbly self and get called a flirt. It is not fair. Ive been in your situation, I just keep acting like myself, if a guy misinterprets it I deal with that when it comes up. As for girls, they only whinge about it because they are jealous.
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A
female
reader, GetUp +, writes (30 January 2012):
GetUp is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks so much for trying to help. But honestly, I treat guys like I do girls. I smile, joke, DON'T twirl my hair, and include minimal touching (I hate touching or hugging except for with my family). This is how I establish friendships. I'm not overtly outgoing or talkative either, and I never make any sexual jokes or anything. I'm just really... natural. I'm not sure if that's the right way to put it.
I also never thought about what chigirl mentioned about the context, situation, and stuff like that. So to let you know, the only times I talk with guys are in classroom settings, so I think it's perfectly normal for me to act approachable as a friend, right? I just wish they'd stop interpreting it as more. Although I didn't want to resort to this, the last thing I need is to get mixed up in pointless misconceptions, so I guess I'll just stop talking to them so much.
Another thanks to everyone who replied.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (29 January 2012):
Well step one is looking at what you actually DO, not the things you don't do. You know now from more than one person that what you do IS flirting. Now you need to figure out exactly what about the things you do would be more flirtatious, and stop doing those things. Joking with someone can be flirting, depending on the joke. Talking and smiling and laughing can be flirting, depending on how much time you spend with the person, how well you know them and what the chemistry is like between you. Smiling IS the ultimate form of flirtation. That's what I tell all the people who come on here and ask how to flirt, I tell them to smile and look the other person in the eye. Because that is ultimately the best flirting technique. You shouldn't stop smiling, but maybe you need to not joke so much with people you don't know too well, when you aren't sure how they'll interpret it. Don't smile so much, or don't be too intense. Don't lean towards a guy, don't show him a lot of skin. Don't touch them. The list is endless, but for most part flirting is subtle. It is hard to take one thing and say "this is flirting" because it depends on the context, the situation, the chemistry and relationship you have with this person etc. Of course, all the things you already mention is flirting too, but flirting is more often than not very subtle. Then again, most guys DON'T pick up on the subtle signs, so if the guys think you are flirting then my guess is you aren't being that subtle, but more "out there", doing something obvious that equals playing with your hair. Maybe you're offering too much of yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2012): Like flirting is when you twirl your hair, make a lot of eye contact and try to be funny. Look it up on google for more information
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A
male
reader, Relationship.Chef  +, writes (29 January 2012):
 Learn what it is you're doing, and, examine what effect it is having.
Forget about your friends saying "This is flirting". They may not know themselves.
NEVER go by public opinion. At best, it is flawed, at worst, it is going to hurt you.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (29 January 2012):
 A lot of guys will read flirting or being interested into absolutely any friendly gesture from a pretty girl, they could be doing that.
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