A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i have a really large frustration and would love some input and suggestions. i'm gay and have a great, happy relationship with my girlfriend. we've been together for two years now. she's beautiful. she's got a gorgeous face, sexy figure. she's extremely feminine and attractive. basically in a nutshell, guys love it and don't stop hitting on her.as for me, i'm a more casual kind of girl. i like a pair of jeans, a tshirt, and sandals. if i get hit on, it's mostly by women, not men. anyway, my problem is this: when we go out to bars or clubs, even if we hold hands, kiss, etc, guys still come up to her and flirt with her right in front of my face. they touch her inappropriately, say inappropriate things, try to buy her drinks, get her number, etc. there's even been a time a random drunk guy grabbed her by the face and tried to kiss her. she socked him in the chest.anyway, my point in saying all of this is that i never know how to handle it. straight couples don't go through this because i assure you, if a guy was in a bar with his girlfriend and another guy came up and was touching all over his girl, that guy would kick his ass. so that doesn't happen. but for some reason, guys never respect our relationship. and it really pisses me off to the point where i almost snap, and also to the point where it practically ruins my night because it's no longer fun for me to be out, as i sit and watch guys oogle over my girlfriend with no regard for me. my girlfriend never puts up with it and always turns them down but it still bothers me so much. her point of view is to tell me to just laugh it off since they don't stand a chance, and that she's all mine. but it's not that simple for me. easier said than done. it's just a respect issue and it's really frustrating not to be taken seriously in my relationship. she really just doesn't understand my point of view and why it upsets me so much. anyway, what's the best way for me to deal with this situation? please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks everyone for your responses. a lot of good points about if i don't enjoy it, i shouldn't go. or if we do, maybe find a different place with a different atmosphere. then again, on the other hand, anywhere we go it happens, in all honesty. lol. and another good point was that guys aren't able to distinguish between if we're just looking for attention or if we're an actual couple. i can see that.to the male anonymous reader. i can see where you're coming from in your point about her inviting it, but in all actuality, she's definitely not inviting this behavior. the guy that grabbed her face to kiss her literally came out of nowhere. it was like an attack. haha. we hadn't even seen him in the bar all night until he had her by the face. that aside, we will be in the middle of a conversation, and guys will interrupt and begin chatting. at that point she tolerates them. she's not rude. but then she always eventually tastefully finds a way to end the convo. but as far as eye contact and suggestive actions, most definitely not. unless not being rude and telling them to go away constitutes suggestive behavior? if that were the case, though, and she were inviting it, i would notice, and i most definitely would then take the blame off these guys and placed it on her.thanks everyone. it's much appreciated.
A
female
reader, Soconfusedanymore +, writes (29 May 2011):
 I can understand your point of view...but you must realize you or her cannot control what other people say or do. Case in point, Jealousy can and will ruin a relationship if you let it, as I have before. It seems as you should have no worries, as she rejects these men. If she is beautiful, of course men and even women will hit on her. I know it can be frustrating, and people should respect the fact she is in a relationship, but the reality is.. A lot of people won't. Maybe switch the places you guys go, try to go to new bars, new places. Maybe that will resolve some of the issue. I am sorry you are going through this, and I really am sorry she is. It is disgusting people think they can grope her and in all reality.. It is extremely inappropriate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): Chigirl is right OP, this is something you have either accept or not go to the places where these guys are.
Guys ogling and chatting her up is always going to happen if she's pretty, they do that to my girlfriend all the time, regardless if they see me with her or not. I don't have an issue with it because she has no interest in them and the guys who do cross a line get taught a lesson.
My question to you is why don't you step in when this stuff happens? If some guy tried to grab my girl I'd knock him on his ass, if some guy does that to yours why don't you push him off and tell him to fuck off?
Besides as a guy I can tell you it's very hard to tell if 2 women are together in a relationship or whether they're just friends. Straight girls kiss each, hold each others hands, do pretty much everything like they're a couple anyway so it's impossible to tell unless they say they are. I've tried chatting up girls only to be told the girl that's sitting beside them is their partner and I've also seen straight girls kiss passionately and feel each others boobs thinking they were lesbian.
The way it works as a guy is you just never assume, if you like a girl go try it on, otherwise we'd live our lives alone because women don't really make the first move. It's just a result of the dating game. If you're all dressed up in a club or a bar with a tonne of single guys in there, then what do you expect? A pretty girl like yours to never be approached? That's not realistic OP. If you go to places like that then don't complain that stuff happens because drunken sleazy guys go to clubs for that very reason, just as most women go to those clubs to get that kind of attention. I don't make the rules but that's what they are.
Look I see it as a compliment, it can be annoying sometimes if the guys are too persistent but that's why I'm there and besides my girl is used to dealing with this kind of guy and can in an instant get rid of them. She'll talk to a guy for a while but she quickly mentions me from the outset, she knows chats in clubs and pubs from random guys are chat ups, so she lets them know straight away she's spoken for, most guys leave and the guys who keep trying anyway she walks away from.
It's not about respect at all OP, they don't know you, they don't know you're in a relationship together, how can they possibly know that? Simple fact is they can't, straight girls act more like lesbians than you probably do on nights out. We're used to straight girls acting that way to get male attention so how could they possibly know that you're not one of them?
Quick question OP, why are you even those places if all you're doing is sitting down watching your girl being chatted up? Doesn't seem to me like you have a lot of fun in those places, so why go? There's a club in town where I'm from that my girlfriend loves to go to, it's a nice place for a dance etc but I hate the place. I don't really dance and it's filled with drunken and high idiots. I go there I end up sitting down or outside in the smoking area for the night, which is boring so I don't go. My girlfriend goes with her friends now instead and we to places we both like when we go out.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 May 2011):
 Unfortunately, it's not so much that they don't respect your relationship, as it is that they don't respect her. Imagine if she went out on town without you. Guy's would still do the same to her. So, it's not a problem with respecting the relationship... it's worse. They don't respect HER.
She needs to stand up for herself in a firm way. If this doesn't help, you need to stop hanging out at places where these creeps are. That's the only solution. Drunk sleazy guys will be drunk sleazy guys, whether you are a lesbian or just not interested.
I understand you are frustrated that your relationship is not being taken seriously. But again, like I said, I don't think it's so much about your relationship. It's more about drunk sleazy guys being idiots, period. Straight women have as much of an issue with these guys as hot lesbians do, even if they are also in a relationship. The only difference being if a woman has her boyfriend by her side, the boyfriend looks more intimidating than you.
You could always gain 10 kg, go skinhead and wear a bikerjacket, then pierce your face and look scary... that could work to keep the guys off. But, hardly worth it.
You can't do much to change this, so you need to learn to accept it, or remove yourself from these situations. Stop going out, or stop going to these exact places.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2011): I have to wonder how much of this your gf is egging on. It's not typical for men to be this aggressive unless there is some eye contact and suggestive actions coming from her. Although it's common for men to ogle...touching and being so aggressive suggests she is encouraging things. Maybe it is your gf who is not ultimately respecting your relationship.
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A
female
reader, AuntyAlexxmo  +, writes (29 May 2011):
 Sorry but your girlfriend really is right, you need to get yourself into the mind set that they are daft idiots and it is you that get to go home with her and nobody else. There is no way you are going to be able to force the men of the bar scences to take you seriously, sorry but they are idiots.
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